Jokes Thread

[DocBrown]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,





"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."





Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apollogy.





Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,





"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.





"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."





"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."





He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."





"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.





And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."








:roflmao:

 

[kucing13]

a blonde, --- "that's not a porch, it's a ferrari."

Oh NO !!

MY FERRARI!!!

 

[derekimo]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,





"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."





Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apollogy.





Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,





"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.





"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."





"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."





He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."





"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.





And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."








:roflmao:

Good one Doc!:roflmao:

 

[MWRed]

lmao........that's good.

 

[kucing13]

ADVANTAGES OF BEING A WOMAN

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

 

[ryo]

 

[Paarkhi]

Sorry if posted already

 

[kucing13]

Elephant?

 

[MattRainier]

ADVANTAGES OF BEING A GUY:

1. We get all the best toys by default. Guns, explosives, knives, etc.

2. We don't have to search 20 minutes through our purse to find the car keys. First off, we don't have a purse, and even if we did, it wouldn't have 50 billion small, confusing items in it.

3. We can actually use logic and apply it in any given situation.

4. When we get married, we actually get to marry someone who's nicer to look at than we are.

5. Our "hope chests" contain tools. And we call them "toolboxes", not some fool name like "hope chest". For cryin' out loud, you can't put hope in a chest.

6. Hormone-affected mood swings need not apply.

7. We actually have the ability to stay on topic during a conversation.

8. Life is less stressful for us.

9. We can say that childbirth can't be all that painful - and the worst that can happen is our wives roll their eyes at us.

10. We get to flirt with the girls that call for tech support.

11. Bodily noises don't bother us. Remember what I said about reduced stress? Come on - if our body does it, it's not our fault. Get over it.

12. Our weight is our weight, not something to be obsessed with.

13. We understand the concepts of 'time' and 'punctuality'.

14. It doesn't take us 30 minutes to go to the restroom.

15. Do our hair? Our hair is just fine as it is.

16. We don't have to ask our friends how we look after getting dressed. Because we don't care - we all know it's not the clothes that matter. BEING clothed matters.

17. We'll spend two dollars for a one-dollar item that is necessary. Women will spend one dollar for a two-dollar item that isn't.

18. We don't hold a grudge for five years over something that took five seconds to happen - unless that something was our widescreen HDTV being broken.

19. We understand that Braveheart beats Pride and Prejudice any day.

20. We can be concise.

 

[Jonathan_King]

ADVANTAGES OF BEING A WOMAN

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

ADVANTAGES OF BEING A GUY:

1. We get all the best toys by default. Guns, explosives, knives, etc.

2. We don't have to search 20 minutes through our purse to find the car keys. First off, we don't have a purse, and even if we did, it wouldn't have 50 billion small, confusing items in it.

3. We can actually use logic and apply it in any given situation.

4. When we get married, we actually get to marry someone who's nicer to look at than we are.

5. Our "hope chests" contain tools. And we call them "toolboxes", not some fool name like "hope chest". For cryin' out loud, you can't put hope in a chest.

6. Hormone-affected mood swings need not apply.

7. We actually have the ability to stay on topic during a conversation.

8. Life is less stressful for us.

9. We can say that childbirth can't be all that painful - and the worst that can happen is our wives roll their eyes at us.

10. We get to flirt with the girls that call for tech support.

11. Bodily noises don't bother us. Remember what I said about reduced stress? Come on - if our body does it, it's not our fault. Get over it.

12. Our weight is our weight, not something to be obsessed with.

13. We understand the concepts of 'time' and 'punctuality'.

14. It doesn't take us 30 minutes to go to the restroom.

15. Do our hair? Our hair is just fine as it is.

16. We don't have to ask our friends how we look after getting dressed. Because we don't care - we all know it's not the clothes that matter. BEING clothed matters.

17. We'll spend two dollars for a one-dollar item that is necessary. Women will spend one dollar for a two-dollar item that isn't.

18. We don't hold a grudge for five years over something that took five seconds to happen - unless that something was our widescreen HDTV being broken.

19. We understand that Braveheart beats Pride and Prejudice any day.

20. We can be concise.

 

[kucing13]

Is Windows a Virus No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

 

[CarlTR6]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apollogy.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."


:roflmao:

Good one Doc!:roflmao:

Hilarious, Doc! Very good.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Hello Doc, I like that one!

 

[kucing13]

Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

 

[MattRainier]

Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

LOLAROFL, that made my day right there.

 

[kucing13]

hahahah. me myself also ROFLMAO :roflmao:

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Think Twice Before Saving a Beautiful Girl


​

 

[kucing13]

LMAO, gud one capt jack
if i get a beautiful wife, i will "finish her first" before i do the same like in the comic

 

[steve-pressman]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."













The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Miaow!"

 

[Dwarf]

:roflmao: