Jokes Thread

[TruskyMX]

A little old lady wins the lottery in poland and becomes mega rich. Everyone around her asks what she is going to do with the money.

She instantly replies " The Nazi party", everyone is shocked.







I have to they are the ones who gave me my numbers

[I know is a bit of a horrible one]

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A little old lady wins the lottery in poland and becomes mega rich. Everyone around her asks what she is going to do with the money.

She instantly replies " The Nazi party", everyone is shocked.







I have to they are the ones who gave me my numbers

[I know is a bit of a horrible one]

Sick
But all is forgiven!

 

[WindowsStar]

I got us a new doormat ... my wife doesn't think it's funny

I love it! You wife has no sense of humor. :y114:

Neither does mine: We were on vacation (holiday) and she wanted to go to a mall; I did not want to go and I asked why we would go to the Mall on vacation???. She said that she needed something from a store that our stores do not carry. Needless to say we went to the mall. While at the Mall I was wandering around and found a kiosk that made one-off bumper stickers. I figured why not, I asked the guy if he could make up 10, he said yes and I was off. When we got home I put one on her car and mine. The bumper sticker reads:

“Sleep with a computer technician and stay virus free”

I love the play on words. She was NOT happy and I had to remove the bumper stickers. UGH!

 

[Dinesh]

Dinesh I think I've talked to that same guy when I've needed tech support
from my DSL company...lol

The guy you spoke with must be from Philippines or India.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

I got us a new doormat ... my wife doesn't think it's funny

I love it! You wife has no sense of humor. :y114:

Neither does mine: We were on vacation (holiday) and she wanted to go to a mall; I did not want to go and I asked why we would go to the Mall on vacation???. She said that she needed something from a store that our stores do not carry. Needless to say we went to the mall. While at the Mall I was wandering around and found a kiosk that made one-off bumper stickers. I figured why not, I asked the guy if he could make up 10, he said yes and I was off. When we got home I put one on her car and mine. The bumper sticker reads:

“Sleep with a computer technician and stay virus free”

I love the play on words. She was NOT happy and I had to remove the bumper stickers. UGH!

I like it though, that a good one.

 

[Dinesh]

A little old lady wins the lottery in poland and becomes mega rich. Everyone around her asks what she is going to do with the money.

She instantly replies " The Nazi party", everyone is shocked.







I have to they are the ones who gave me my numbers

[I know is a bit of a horrible one]

The old lady must be an active participant in WW2.

 

[Joan Archer]

Neither does mine: We were on vacation (holiday) and she wanted to go to a mall; I did not want to go and I asked why we would go to the Mall on vacation???. She said that she needed something from a store that our stores do not carry. Needless to say we went to the mall. While at the Mall I was wandering around and found a kiosk that made one-off bumper stickers. I figured why not, I asked the guy if he could make up 10, he said yes and I was off. When we got home I put one on her car and mine. The bumper sticker reads:

“Sleep with a computer technician and stay virus free”

I love the play on words. She was NOT happy and I had to remove the bumper stickers. UGH!

I think my daughter would appreciate that one as she's married to one.

 

[fishnbanjo]

The Best Story of the Year:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.


Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.


She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

[steve-pressman]

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

[bjrichus]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
{/QUOTE]

Yup... That's my situation... I'm my wife's SECOND husband...

 

[DocBrown]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
{/QUOTE]

Yup... That's my situation... I'm my wife's SECOND husband...

:roflmao:A lot of us can relate to that ! :roflmao:

 

[WindowsStar]

Neither does mine: We were on vacation (holiday) and she wanted to go to a mall; I did not want to go and I asked why we would go to the Mall on vacation???. She said that she needed something from a store that our stores do not carry. Needless to say we went to the mall. While at the Mall I was wandering around and found a kiosk that made one-off bumper stickers. I figured why not, I asked the guy if he could make up 10, he said yes and I was off. When we got home I put one on her car and mine. The bumper sticker reads:

“Sleep with a computer technician and stay virus free”

I love the play on words. She was NOT happy and I had to remove the bumper stickers. UGH!

I think my daughter would appreciate that one as she's married to one.

Great point, wait isn't my wife married to one as well?

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
{/QUOTE]

Yup... That's my situation... I'm my wife's SECOND husband...

That reminds me of what I told the last lady that asked if I was married ...

I told her, I've been divorced 3 times, would you like to be number 4?

 

[Thorsen]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

Yup... That's my situation... I'm my wife's SECOND husband...

That reminds me of what I told the last lady that asked if I was married ...

I told her, I've been divorced 3 times, would you like to be number 4?

that doesn't sound like a good thing to say at a job interview. btw. did you get that job?

 

[derekimo]

Yup... That's my situation... I'm my wife's SECOND husband...

That reminds me of what I told the last lady that asked if I was married ...

I told her, I've been divorced 3 times, would you like to be number 4?

that doesn't sound like a good thing to say at a job interview. btw. did you get that job?

Job interview?

 

[Dwarf]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
{/QUOTE]

Yup... That's my situation... I'm my wife's SECOND husband...

That reminds me of what I told the last lady that asked if I was married ...

I told her, I've been divorced 3 times, would you like to be number 4?

You don't go by the name of Henry as well, do you Ted? :huh:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

> The Polish Divorce:
>
>
> A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
>
> Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
>
> One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
>
> and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
>
> The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
>
> and asked him the following questions:
>
>
> Have you any grounds?
>
> Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
>
>
> No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
>
> It made of concrete.
>
>
> I don't think you understand.
>
> Does either of you have a real grudge?
>
> No, we have carport, and not need one.
>
>
> I mean what are your relations like?
>
> All my relations still in Poland ...
>
>
> Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
>
> We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
>
>
> Does your wife beat you up?
>
> No, I always up before her.
>
>
> Is your wife a nagger?
>
> No, she white.
>
>
> Why do you want this divorce?
>
> She going to kill me.
>
>
> What makes you think that?
>
> I got proof.
>
>
> What kind of proof?
>
> SHE IS GOING TO POISON ME !!!!
> She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
> I can read English pretty good, and it say:


> Polish Remover

 

[derekimo]

> The Polish Divorce....


> Polish Remover

:roflmao:

 

[Dwarf]

An old one, but still funny. :roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Job interview?

A 'trade for services rendered' by any other name is still a job!

You don't go by the name of Henry as well, do you Ted? :huh:

Sometimes I like to be called Henry the Eight. :shock: