Jokes Thread 2

[andsome]

Brilliant

 

[pebbly]

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet, Biscuit - the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a*** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

They won't let me shop there anymore.

 

[CarlTR6]

I love it!!

 

[Kari]

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a*** and a car hit us both.

I never learn, always coming to this thread drinking coffee...

Kathryn, would you prefer to wash my trousers, or pay the dry cleaners?

 

[pebbly]

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a*** and a car hit us both.

I never learn, always coming to this thread drinking coffee...

Kathryn, would you prefer to wash my trousers, or pay the dry cleaners?

Just send the bill Kari

 

[jfar]

Be careful there Kari, she may decide to lick it off.

 

[pebbly]

Be careful there Kari, she may decide to lick it off.

sigh , It's been a long time since I've said this but....... jfar naughty step now !

 

[pebbly]

Kari , move away from the coffee cup !


Englishman Irishman Scotsman and Welshman take their sons to meet each other one night when they have a pint together..

The Englishman introduces his first: "This is my son George, he was born on St. George's day"

The Scotsman then makes his introduction: "This is my son Andrew, he was born on St. Andrew's day"

The Welshman then introduces his son: "This is my son David, he was born on St. David's day"

They all look at the Irishman expectantly, who goes red in the face. The Irishman takes his son's hand and says "This is feckin' embarrassing, c'mon Pancake, we're leaving!"

 

[jfar]

Very Good, I nearly fell off the naughty step there, I'd say he was born on a Tuesday.

 

[pebbly]

Very Good, I nearly fell off the naughty step there, I'd say he was born on a Tuesday.

Alright jfar you can get off the step now

 

[profdlp]

...They all look at the Irishman expectantly, who goes red in the face. The Irishman takes his son's hand and says "This is feckin' embarrassing, c'mon Pancake, we're leaving!"

Maybe I'm just dense, but is this something that needs to be translated into American before I get the joke?

 

[pebbly]

...They all look at the Irishman expectantly, who goes red in the face. The Irishman takes his son's hand and says "This is feckin' embarrassing, c'mon Pancake, we're leaving!"

Maybe I'm just dense, but is this something that needs to be translated into American before I get the joke?

This may explain it for you profdlp Shrove Tuesday - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[profdlp]

...This may explain it for you profdlp Shrove Tuesday - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Thanks - now it's safe for me to laugh.

In the United States, the term Shrove Tuesday is less widely known... Mardi Gras has become more familiar as the designation for that day.

I did know a guy named Marty once.

 

[jfar]

Did he smoke gras.

 

[profdlp]

Did he smoke gras.

Judging from the way he acted, my guess would be that he did. :roflmao:

 

[Dwarf]

Did he smoke gras.

Judging from the way he acted, my guess would be that he did. :roflmao:

And here's the proof.

 

[Graemzy]

Santa says to his elf, "im gettin pissed off with this. Every year i put this stupid red outfit on, do all the work and end up with f**k all"

The elf replies "now ya know how Steven Gearrard feels"

 

[Hopalong X]

Steven Gearrard

He only plays soccer one day a year? Good job he has.

 

[Graemzy]

The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

 

[Graemzy]

Q. What ship never docks at Liverpool?


A. The Premiership.