Jokes Thread 2

[jfar]

You'll definitely be banned now for that one, just tell them that you were under the afflence of inkachol, or the gas from the dentist was still in the system.:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

You'll definitely be banned now for that one, just tell them that you were under the afflence of inkachol, or the gas from the dentist was still in the system.:roflmao:

I did put a warning and yes I am (that's my excuse and I'm staying by it) :roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

If you are standing then you will be banned...If you are slouched in a chair you are excused for your misconduct.
Are you sure he wasn't having a seizure or Parkinson's attack?

 

[pebbly]

If you are standing then you will be banned...If you are slouched in a chair you are excused for your misconduct.
Are you sure he wasn't having a seizure or Parkinson's attack?

I'm slouched in my chair with a very fat face ( at least my wrinkles have gone) Still feeling a little "high"

That joke was told to me by the dental nurse ( very straight laced slip of a girl) as she was "prepping " me

 

[The Howling Wolves]

If you are standing then you will be banned...If you are slouched in a chair you are excused for your misconduct.
Are you sure he wasn't having a seizure or Parkinson's attack?

I'm slouched in my chair with a very fat face ( at least my wrinkles have gone) Still feeling a little "high"

Can we join you in getting high with a little help from my friends?

 

[pebbly]

If you are standing then you will be banned...If you are slouched in a chair you are excused for your misconduct.
Are you sure he wasn't having a seizure or Parkinson's attack?

I'm slouched in my chair with a very fat face ( at least my wrinkles have gone) Still feeling a little "high"

Can we join you in getting high with a little help from my friends?

Of course you can, You're all my friends

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Texas Safeway Store :




A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added … “and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”




The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.



Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada” the manager asked?



The boy said, “Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really” said the manager? “My wife is from Canada.”

“No s***” replied the boy? “Who'd she play for?”

 

[Hopalong X]

LPt

:busted::busted::busted::busted::busted: :roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

Warning..... This is a very naughty joke ,If you are under 16 or of a nervous disposition, leave the forum now

Two old ladys meet in the park one says to the other "did you come on the bus" the other says "yeah but I made it look like an Asthma attack"

:roflmao:

Texas Safeway Store :




A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added … “and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”




The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.



Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada” the manager asked?



The boy said, “Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really” said the manager? “My wife is from Canada.”

“No s***” replied the boy? “Who'd she play for?”

Fast thinker! :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I can't type for laughing , till I've cried.. you and MIKE kill me with the stuff you post..
Pebbly isn't far behind..:roflmao: :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[A Guy]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

A Guy

 

[Tews]

The one wish genie

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold 'a genie' appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what will it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that map again..."

 

[boogieboy]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Kari]

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

:roflmao:

Same gentlemen, another day.

"Do you remember how they put something in our food in army during the second world war to decrease our sex needs?"

"Yes, I believe I do."

"I think it's starting to work."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.



As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

 

[jfar]

Disgraceful. that's all I can say.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

jfar,
You must be the one with the minivan!

 

[jfar]

You ride around on this horse long enough and see if you don't have two flat tyres as well.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

You and Hoppy should carry a spare at all times.