Jokes Thread 2

[Dwarf]

I guess you might be right there, Dennis. On the other hand, they are memory pills. Perhaps you've forgotten where you've put them?

 

[The Howling Wolves]

I guess you might be right there, Dennis. On the other hand, they are memory pills. Perhaps you've forgotten where you've put them?

Dwarf.................
Put What?

 

[Dwarf]

I can't remember.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Dwarf,
We are in deep do do!
Maybe some nice looking lady will come along and help us.................ah help us with what?

 

[Dwarf]

 

[The Howling Wolves]

So that's where my black lace panties are....................
I've been looking all over the place for them.

 

[Borg 386]

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of the world a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

 

[seavixen32]

When she was 65 my mother was advised by her doctor to take up walking to keep her arthritis at bay.

She's 85 now and we haven't a clue where she is.

 

[A Guy]

Lol, posted this once before

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
~Ellen DeGeneres

A Guy

 

[seavixen32]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed – I never knew they worked.
~ Les Dawson

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Southern Medical Dictionary

Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her
Colic...............................A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................. To live long
Enema............................Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates.......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... ****** near killed him
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao::roflmao:Love it.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because, there is :

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,

you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!

 

[pebbly]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where the **ck do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a **ckin' cat at home!!!

 

[profdlp]

:roflmao:

And if you take 2 rabbits + 2 rabbits + 2 rabbits you end up with 2,785,362 of them...

 

[spinifex]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But
then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, her service
.45 cal. automatic pistol, and a survival knife."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of
bullets, killed four more with the
knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her
bare
hands."
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

[spinifex]

Two bats are hanging in their cave.
One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says,
"Well, it’s a bit late, Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"

Well, I didn't."

 

[A Guy]

Punchline: Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child

Ooops, that not a joke :shock:

A Guy

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Arnold told the maid..................."I'll be back................again!"

 

[Hopalong X]

Arnold told the maid..................."I'll be back................again!"

Maria told him "Terminator: Judgement Day" or "Mrs. Conan will Destroyer" and it will be your "End of Days".


By the way Arnie wants to run for Prez. Does the EU need a new one?

I heard France is looking for one.
Libya may need one soon.

Got to get him set up for interviews since he will need a new job now.
Alimony and child support is a real pain in the pocket book.
:roflmao: