Jokes Thread 2

[BrightBlessings]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget...
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No...
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[smsff7]

Samurai
Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials:

...a Japanese Samurai

...a Chinese Samurai

...and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! Went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on theground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "This is impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his great flashing sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed in awe, "That is really VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! but the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display said, "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

 

[nithig]

The Doctor habitually closed his inner city practice at 4p.m. then he'd go downstairs to the little
bar at street level. There, Richard the barman, would have an almond daquiri ready and the Dr. would
realax and enjoy his favourite drink.

One day the bar ran out of almonds and delivery wasn't for another day. The barman called the kitchen
and asked cook if he had any. He didn't but he did have some hickory nuts which he had roasted so the kitchen staff could taste what they were like. Cook told the bar-man to use them ground up.

Just after 4p.m. the Doctor came in, sat at his usual seat, picked up his daquiri and tasted.
After a brief pause he asked,
"Is this an almond daquiri Dick?" to which the barman replied,
"No, it's a hickory daquiry Doc."

 

[Joan Archer]

Just picked this lot up from another forum.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

These actually appeared in church bulletins, and are absolutely hilarious!

-- Ushers will eat latecomers.

-- She sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving much pleasure to the congregation.

-- Sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. Sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

-- A letter to the men’s fellowship reads: "All members are requested to bring their wives and one other covered dish to the annual banquet."

-- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

-- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

-- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

-- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.....It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

-- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

-- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

-- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

-- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

-- Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

-- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

-- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

-- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

-- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

-- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

-- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

-- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

-- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

-- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

-- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

-- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

-- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

-- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

-- Don’t let depression kill you; let the church help.

-- Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Subject: There I was



There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about
me,
how's your day going?"

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...

Hilarious and I needed a good, laugh. Thanks.

 

[nithig]

Who Is Jack Schitt?

You Don't Know Jack Schitt...

For some time many of us have wondered just who Jack Schitt is ?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
a knowledgeable manner.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the heiress to Nee-deep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe
Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because
her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt- Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other
six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens twins in a
dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,
Byrd, and Horse.

Just to close the loop, Bull Schitt the prodigal son who left home to
tour the world, recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,
Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you may feel free
to correct them.


Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

 

[nithig]

The Zen of Sarcasm.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

 

[Dwarf]

:roflmao:

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

I'm keeping schtum.

 

[profdlp]

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Corollary to #10: Give a fish a man and he'll eat for weeks.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Secret Code


After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president

Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the
media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come
up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled
President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked
him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ....you're holding it upside down!

 

[derekimo]

That was great Dennis! :roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

​

 

[CarlTR6]

Secret Code


After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president

Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the
media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come
up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled
President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked
him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ....you're holding it upside down!

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[BrightBlessings]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.
"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor".

 

[Borg 386]

Loved it (Secret Code)

We had a local Chinese restaurant, but they went out of business....do you think it could have been because of the spelling? (G and H on the menu)

 

[profdlp]

...We had a local Chinese restaurant, but they went out of business....do you think it could have been because of the spelling? (G and H on the menu)

"G" is forgivable, but "H"...

I wish I had kept one, but an old Chinese restaurant I liked back in Virgina had misspellings and bad grammar all over the place. The best part was a section where the printer apparently had some trouble and left himself a note in the description for one dish saying "can't read", which ended up being printed verbatim right in the middle of the blurb for Lemon Chicken.

 

[BrightBlessings]

I love this doctor


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - glass of port in one hand - cigarette in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

 

[derekimo]

That's great BB! :roflmao: