Jokes Thread 2

[BrightBlessings]

Ah, Computers!
We've all seen the Bill Gates line*, "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
*though he denies saying it.

"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." --Joseph Campbell

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Ratliffe

"A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs." --Solomon Short

"All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer." --IBM maintenance manual, 1925

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." --Pablo Picasso

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf." --Sam Ewing

"Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins." --Robert Heinlein (in The Moon is a Harsh Mistress)

"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." --Jeff Pesis

"It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods." --Geraldine Ferraro

"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." --Wernher von Braun

"No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either." --Marvin Minsky

"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse." --Jack Handey

"There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer." --J.H. Goldfuss

"They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction." --Janet Reno

"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." --Nathaniel Borenstein

"To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so." --Robert Orben

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." --Gene Spafford

"Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now!" --Homer Simpson

 

[CarlTR6]

> A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
>
> Passenger: “Who?”
>
> Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
>
> Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
>
> Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
>
> Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
>
> Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
>
> Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
>
> Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
>
> Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
>
> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frigin wife.”

:roflmao::roflmao: I had heard this before and it is still hilarious!!

Good ones, BrightBlessings!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."




The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."



Simper Fi

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

View attachment 106004

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."




The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."



Simper Fi

​

 

[MattRainier]

View attachment 106004

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."




The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."



Semper Fi

Semper Fi, soldier!

 

[BrightBlessings]

This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and
Is from North Africa.







So if you
Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
Yourself, remember:
It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
With buck teeth.

 

[arkhi]

Aww. But Kim's Rufus looked so cute!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and
Is from North Africa.


View attachment 106035

View attachment 106036


So if you
Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
Yourself, remember:
It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
With buck teeth.

​

 

[Kirsch]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "may I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

 

[Kirsch]

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

 

[Kirsch]

A rich businessman was playing golf on a field very close to his house. He noticed a strange man with a large briefcase, and introduced himself due to his curiosity. The businessman discovered the strange man was a hitman, and inside his briefcase was an impressively large sniper rifle.
The businessman asked the hitman about his rates, and the hitman informed him that each shot would cost him $1000.
"Excellent," the businessman said, "I am aware of the fact that my wife regularly cheats on me with my neighbor, so I want you to shoot her in the head. Also, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, so he could never have sex again."
The hitman got out his sniper, and the businessman pointed to his house, which was visible from the golf field. The hitman aimed at a window, and stood there for a long time. The businessman grew impatient and said, "hurry up, take the shot!"
The hitman replied, "hold on, I'm trying to save you a grand here!"

 

[Kirsch]

A little girl is walking down the street when suddenly a little boy jumps out of the bushes holding his junk. He shouts "YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE! YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE!!"
The little girl runs home crying.
The next day the same girl is walking down the street when suddenly the same little boy jumps out of the bushes holding his junk and shouting "YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE! YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE!!"
The little girl pulls up her dress and says "My Mommy says as long as I have one of THESE, I can get as many of THOSE as I want."

 

[BrightBlessings]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
Station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
Good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
Station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
Good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."

:roflmao:
​

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Here, here.. to anyone who has expereinced this ...:roflmao:

 

[BugMeister]

I went a pretty poor zoo recently..
it wasn't much good, they only had one dog..



- it was a Shih-Tzu..

 

[Techymike]

The royal guards of Tibet!

 

[xarden]

Dogmop!

 

[BrightBlessings]

cows …..

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?







"The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"

 

[lorddenis]

cows …..

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?







"The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"

:roflmao::roflmao: