Jokes Thread 2

[profdlp]

Oh, my! :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Thank goodness for Duck Tape.

View attachment 121161

 

[Impulse Fire911]

Where does the general keep his "armies"













his "sleevsies"
:33333333333333333333333333

 

[profdlp]

Where does the general keep his "armies"...

Ban him! Ban him! Ban him!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)

 

[Impulse Fire911]

lol wait wat, did someone say the joke already or what?

 

[BrightBlessings]

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe, so here goes:
(Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!)

1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Mistmas

 

[Thorsen]

Ban him! Ban him! Ban him!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)

lol wait wat, did someone say the joke already or what?

No it hadn't been posted before Profdlp is just having some fun with you. We aren't going to ban you just for posting that joke. It was just way to cheesy for him to not comment as such.

 

[Hopalong X]

Where does the general keep his "armies"...

Ban him! Ban him! Ban him!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)

That is for a second offense.

First offense is tar and feathers!!!
For his armies and his sleevsies!

Mike

 

[CarlTR6]

My bank called my wife last week and told her our checking account was overdrawn. She replied, it can't be I have 3 checks left.

Jim

Well, wasn't she right?

 

[profdlp]

Ban him! Ban him! Ban him!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

(Just so you know, when someone my age lets out a horrendous groan, people are liable to drag you off to the hospital...)

lol wait wat, did someone say the joke already or what?

No it hadn't been posted before Profdlp is just having some fun with you. We aren't going to ban you just for posting that joke. It was just way to cheesy for him to not comment as such.

I'm STILL groaning over that joke.

(And can't wait to pull it on someone else.)

 

[Imperfect1]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
"An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.'"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down:

ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little b*stard!

 

[gladson1976]

Heard this from Calvin

What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie ?















A Melon - Collie baby

 

[BrightBlessings]

WORLD RESTAURANT

Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.


Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?


Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?


Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?


Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for his Wales.


Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.


Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.


Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me.
There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!


Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!


Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India?
D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!


Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck.
Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia!


Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan when Zanzibar is open.

 

[CarlTR6]

Heard this from Calvin

What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie ?


A Melon - Collie baby

GROAN! I love it!

 

[andsome]

GROAN!!!!!

 

[Tews]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

 

[Kari]

Nice one, Tom!

 

[Dwarf]

LMAO! You wouldn't happen to know this Chris by any chance?

 

[DreemWarrior]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea! A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both colla pse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself , this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[lorddenis]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea! A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both colla pse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself , this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Dinesh]

Good one DreemWarrior.