Jokes Thread 2

[beauparc]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".


Canada doesn't have any alert levels.


New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".

Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain:

"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

[CarlTR6]

I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening....

There was an instant spark between us, and she fell at my feet.

As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself, ''These tasers are well worth the money....''

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
...
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

That is shocking!

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[smarteyeball]

 

[nithig]

keep 'em coming!

 

[spinifex]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".


Canada doesn't have any alert levels.


New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".

Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain:

"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Very clever. I luvvvvvve it.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

SNOW :

Hi all! Just thought I'd let you know it's snowing like crazy here today.

My neighbor says that since it's been snowing, all his wife does is look through the window.

He reckons if it gets much worse he'll have to let her in.





​

 

[lorddenis]

View attachment 127767 View attachment 127769

View attachment 127766 View attachment 127770

View attachment 127771 View attachment 127768

:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

A husband says to wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery ?"

"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won £10 , here's your fiver - bye bye

 

[pebbly]

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

 

[jfar]

The Chicken and the egg are lying in the bed after having the best sex they have ever had, they are both having a smoke and looking very very happy with life. Staring at nothing in particular the Chicken turns around to the egg and says,

Well at least we solved that one.

 

[DocBrown]

This blonde is on main street and she sees this t.v. in the window. So she walks in and says to the man at the counter, "I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Sorry, we don't sale to blondes," replied the dude at the counter. The blonde left, a little sad and puzzled.

She goes home and dyes her hair brown. She went back to the store and says to the same man at the counter: "I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Sorry, still don't sale to blondes." The blonde was getting mad now. 'I'll fix him' she thought to herself.

So she goes home and dyes her hair black this time. "Alright, I'd like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Look, lady, we don't sale to blondes." The blonde stood there for a minute. "How do you keep knowing it was me?"








:ar:
"I know it's you because that in the window is a microwave."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Jfar,

Enough already. Just serve me my scrambled eggs and be on your way! hehehehe

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

View attachment 128616
Dennis hi... I think this wolf is one of the best I've seen , maybe you can do a reverse on it for you and Donna.. it's up to you.

 

[Kari]

A catholic priest, let's call him Father John, was in train travelling cross Europe back home from an international interfaith ecumenical meeting. The whole week of meetings, lectures and seminars was although very giving, also very exhausting.

When Father John finally arrived to his parish and went home, his housekeeper noticed everything was not fine. Father was exhausted, went to bed and could not get up the following morning. Housekeeper called paramedics but before the ambulance arrived, Father John collapsed. He was rushed to St. Mary's hospital, where no reason was found to his condition. Doctors diagnosed Father John as being exhausted from a strong religious experience, devoted and known believer as he was.

Father John was unconscious for five days. Only a few moments before he woke up, a young woman died in the same hospital when giving birth to a baby boy. The mother had told personnel she's all alone in the world, with no living relatives, so nurses and doctors decided to do the human thing and brought newborn baby boy to Father John's bed, thinking that the presence of a child might help Father John to wake up. This worked, and Father John woke up only to find himself holding a new born baby in a hospital bed. Amazed he crossed his hands and said "Thank you, my dear God. Thank you!"

Everything was fine now. Father John had gotten a son, thinking how wonderful things God is capable to do, and the baby got a father and a Christian home. Father John named the boy Arthur. Years went by, Arthur became an adult and was finally leaving home to go to college. Last evening home, Father John finally decided to tell Arthur the truth.

- "Dear Arthur, I know this is going to shock you but I really need to tell you this. I am not your real father."
- "What are you saying, dad?", asked Arthur.
- "Please do not be angry to me but I'm really your mother. I gave birth to you in St. Mary's hospital."
- "Please dad, stop that. That does not make sense!", Arthur said.
- "No Arthur. We have to clear this now. I'm your mother. You were named after your father, archbishop Arthur who I met in an ecumenical meeting..."

 

[jfar]

Nice one Kari, now That's an Ecumenical Matter.

 

[Dwarf]

 

[pebbly]

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.. ...The doctor said,
'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way
to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He
wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt
like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like
a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'


Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure...'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.


Joe laughed, 'Aha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old...'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache.'

 

[fishnbanjo]

This is what I've heard as the ending to this.....

How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure...'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36 boxer shorts.


Joe laughed, 'Aha! I got you! I've worn size 34 Jockey's since I was 18 years old and never wore boxer shorts in my life...'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 let alone Jockey Shorts.
A size 34 Jockey would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache.'

 

[WindowsStar]

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.. ...The doctor said,
'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way
to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He
wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt
like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like
a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'


Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure...'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.


Joe laughed, 'Aha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old...'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache.'

Wow! I have never seen it this way, this one is short. The one I have seen is much longer and includes a wife, how bad he feels, and how she tries to keep him happy.

 

[profdlp]

...The one I have seen is much longer and includes a wife, how bad he feels, and how she tries to keep him happy.

It'd be a little late for that, eh?