Jokes Thread 2

[BrightBlessings]

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.. ...The doctor said,
'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way
to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He
wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt
like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like
a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'


Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure...'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.


Joe laughed, 'Aha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old...'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache.'

New suit,shirt and undies and several ounces lighter.

 

[WindowsStar]

...The one I have seen is much longer and includes a wife, how bad he feels, and how she tries to keep him happy.

It'd be a little late for that, eh?

She is making him happy before the change Wish I could find the long version

 

[A Guy]

...The one I have seen is much longer and includes a wife, how bad he feels, and how she tries to keep him happy.

It'd be a little late for that, eh?

She is making him happy before the change Wish I could find the long version

I've seen it end in:

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6



Second Opinion - PRICELESS!

A Guy

 

[fishnbanjo]

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.


To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raised their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raised their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raised their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raised their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Allen raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The farming student from TN replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Allen, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Allen replied,
"Ghost? From way back there I thought you said Goat."

 

[jfar]

Nice one, I hope Kari doesn't see this one, he seems to think they are all Reindeer, what can I say.

 

[Kari]

RE: http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/133053-reputation-badges-5-a-9.html#post1166660

 

[The Howling Wolves]

> > Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women...
> >
>
> >
> >
> > And here we go...
> >
> >
> > #10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
> >
> > #9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
> >
> > #8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
> >
> > #7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
> >
> > #6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
> >
> > #5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
> >
> > #4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
> >
> > #3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
> >
> > #2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
> >
> > And the Number One reason
> >
> > Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women.....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > #1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

 

[jfar]

I like it , You can buy a silencer.

 

[Hopalong X]

jfar stole my Sig.

He couldn't even get the sig applied right.

At least he didn't steal my horse.


He must have fell off his horsegoat again!

Jfar thinks that goat he rides is a Unicorn. He can't count too well!

 

[DocBrown]

jfar stole my Sig.

He couldn't even get the sig applied right.

At least he didn't steal my horse.


He must have fell off his horsegoat again!

Jfar thinks that goat he rides is a Unicorn. He can't count to well!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

All right boys.........time for your night time meds!
View attachment 129458

jfar you are first so bend over honey....
Doc your next and then Mike!

 

[jfar]

I got a new jacket for Christmas, you can't keep me out of it.

 

[profdlp]

If you tied me up in the straightjacket with the girl that's in there now I probably wouldn't mind dropping trou' for the gal with the needle.

Not that I'm weird or anything...

 

[jfar]

Stay away from my jacket, it's my jacket, mine I tell you.

 

[DocBrown]

Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"

He answered, "I hunt unicorns."
The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"
The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."





:ar:



:ar:



The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

 

[profdlp]

Stay away from my jacket, it's my jacket, mine I tell you.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Stay away from my jacket, it's my jacket, mine I tell you.

Maybe your jacket but the lining is all mine!!!
Jacket is made out of goat skin anyway!

 

[WindowsStar]

John just finished making love to his girlfriend for the first time. While they lay in bed enjoying what they have shared John turns to her and says, “I am I really only the 3rd man to make love to you?” she replies, “Of course you are. I am very selective with whom I sleep with.” John feeling very good thinks for a minute and then says, “I am I really the best lover you have ever had?” she replies, “I must say you are wonderful very tender when needed and aggressive just at the right moments. You have mastered many techniques and you know so many different positions just like a pro. You are the best I have ever had.” John just beside himself and feeling on top of the world says, “And….am I really the biggest you ever had?” she replies, “Absolutely! Now go to sleep and stop asking so many questions….<sigh>….you men all ask the same questions!”

 

[Kari]

> > #1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

That's a good one Here's a similar, true story.

My father was an alcoholic gambler. No reason to deny that. He and my mother divorced in 1982, and father died two years later in 1984, at the age of 48.

After the divorce he lived a short period with me, then married with my wife #1. I remember one time with him, when we were both quite intoxicated, I asked him why they had divorced. Father told me that mother finally found out about his other girlfriends, or if she had known already, finally got enough of it.

I was in my early 20's, really in love with my equally young wife, expecting our second son; first had born in 1981 when we both were only 22 years old. I could not understand how my father could not be happy with the woman he had married out of love.

My father told me this. I can still remember the full story, as I can see my father in my eyes telling it, his voice and his always present mixed smell of Old Spice after shave, brandy and cigar smoke:

You like reading, Kari? Think this: as a young man, you find a book you like very much. You have difficulties to let the book out of your hands before you have read it from cover to cover. You keep it on your nightstand, to read again and again. Sometimes you read a few chapters, sometimes only a few words, sometimes you wake up in the morning book still on your hands. Day after day, month after month, year after year.

Then the day comes you realize you get nothing more out of that book. You have found every possible hidden twist in it, you know all the characters as if they were your close friends. You start thinking about other books, and then one day you find yourself from a library and suddenly realize it's a whole new world. Books of every type. Short stories, poems, novels, biographies, everything. You can just show your library card, get the book, read it, return it the very next day or keep a bit longer. Read once or twice or ten times but finally return it. And your favorite book, the one you love, stays home and is always available when you want to read it.

It seems your mother was happy as long as I only read short stories. When I went to Dickens and Dostoevsky, needing more and more time to finish a book, she couldn't take it anymore.

As I mentioned, this is a true story. I find it very sad, although the same happened to me in my first three short marriages. Only after finding my sweet, dear Angie have I no longer "visited the library".

Kari

 

[BrightBlessings]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The cop asked,
"What's he like? "The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big
tits. "
-------------------------

Father: Godfather my boy is a good boy but he can't get a job because
he's a deaf mute.
Godfather: I will give him a job as a bag man. He will pick up the
money from my bookies and bring it back here. he doesn't have to talk
to anybody. Two weeks go by and the Father is grabbed off the street
brought to the
Godfathers office. His Son is sitting in a chair all beat up.
Godfather: $50,000.00 is missing, ask your Son where it is. The
Father: turns to the boy and in sign language says...."What did you
do? Where is the money? they are going to kill you!
Son: (in sign language) I don't know anything about the money
Father: Godfather my Son is a good boy. He says he didn't steal any
money
Godfather: Pulls a gun from his drawer and lays it on the desk and
says..."ask him again" The Father: (in sign language) This guy is
serious, he's going to kill you! where is the money?
Son: (in sign language) I honestly dad I don't have any money
Father: Godfather my Son says he doesn't have your money, Please
believe him.
Godfather: Puts the gun to the boys head, pulls the hammer back, and
says..."ask him one last time" The Father: (in sign language) He's
going to kill you for sure, for you mother's sake please, WHERE IS THE
MONEY?
Son: (in sign language) all right, all right its in a shoe box in the
attic under moms wedding dress!
Father: Godfather my Son says GO TO HELL!