Jokes Thread 2

[johnwillyums]

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I was off that day had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Very good THW ,well done

Now you must wear it...
View attachment 133085

 

[boohbah]

first class john , you ought to be on telly

 

[boohbah]

Very good THW ,well done

Now you must wear it...
View attachment 133085

got any naught boy badges dennis, there's a few of them around here!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

first class john , you ought to be on telly

Boo,
You should go to Hollywood.....................the walk would do you good!

 

[pebbly]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's ass.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that"

 

[boohbah]

a man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "what happened to you?"

"well, i was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while i was looking around i noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"i walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's ass.

Still holding the cow's tail up, i yelled to my wife,

"hey, this looks like yours!'"

"i don't remember much after that"

pimpl :d

 

[pebbly]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is
very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be
there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your
way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[CarlTR6]

husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife...

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Hilarious! Good one, Kathryn.

 

[Kari]

Kathryn, you really deserve that badge

 

[pebbly]

Kathryn, you really deserve that badge

I just like to put a smile on you boys faces

 

[pebbly]

Last one for tonight

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[Dwarf]

:roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

Last one for tonight

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger...

:roflmao:

 

[beauparc]

WEE SCOTTISH BLONDE




On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.


They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".


So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.


A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".


The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"


Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

 

[Fluffy]

My neighbour was banging on my front door at 3am this morning. Can you believe that? 3am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

 

[beauparc]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

 

[DreemWarrior]

The wife and I were sitting at home last night watching TV.

I had the remote and was enjoying myself switching back and forth between afishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!"

" You already know how to fish!"

 

[BrightBlessings]

The wife and I were sitting at home last night watching TV.

I had the remote and was enjoying myself switching back and forth between afishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!"

" You already know how to fish!"

:roflmao:

Queenslanders are a tough bunch and we can still have a laugh at our situation.




During our recent flood, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little
boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat
go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went
downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.
They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream,
then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it
comes back again."

"Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum
said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."

 

[CarlTR6]

Woman Mall Fountain While Texting

YouTube - Girl Falls In Mall Fountain While Texting (BuzzFeed.com)



Now she is suing the mall. Texting shopper who fell in mall fountain sues security guards for laughing | Mail Online