Jokes Thread 2

[The Howling Wolves]

Hey Doc,

When are the funeral services for this poor chap?

 

[CarlTR6]

Doc, that is hilarious!!!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Doc, that is hilarious!!!

LMAO Doc!

 

[beauparc]

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door last night and asked if I had any old clothing.

"Yes," I said, "But what do I get in return?"

"You can play with my breasts if you want" she offered.

I thought that's fair...."tit for tat"

 

[andsome]

The black bra

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)​

​

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the doorwearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels andmask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(You'll love this) ............................ scroll down





















"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

This was a nice gesture from the GB quarterback offering to pay for Cutler's new uniform!
View attachment 134696

Wanted to know if they had one with sequences on it!
"LOSER'S"

 

[derekimo]

This was a nice gesture from the GB quarterback offering to pay for Cutler's new uniform!
View attachment 134696

Wanted to know if they had one with sequences on it!
"LOSER'S"

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... .doesn't matter, you're all alike.
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ....nomattah...all same!

 

[pebbly]

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released – New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir", says the young man behind the counter. "If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I’m sorry Sir", says the young assistant, "If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don’t understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognise any of those!"
"I’m terribly sorry, Sir", says the young man, "perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant... ... ...

"I’ve just realised I was playing you the bee side."

 

[Hopalong X]

Pebbly, Pebbly.
Sigh!

What are we going to do with you?

 

[pebbly]

Pebbly, Pebbly.
Sigh!

What are we going to do with you?

I'll find some more for you Hoppy :roflmao:

 

[Hopalong X]

:roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Pebbly, Pebbly.
Sigh!

What are we going to do with you?

I'll find some more for you Hoppy :roflmao:

Pebbly,
Please don't provide anymore. Just Bee happy and fly away!:roflmao::warn:

 

[pebbly]

Pebbly, Pebbly.
Sigh!

What are we going to do with you?

I'll find some more for you Hoppy :roflmao:

Pebbly,
Please don't provide anymore. Just Bee happy and fly away!:roflmao::warn:

It's very nice to bee appreciated

 

[pebbly]

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

 

[Hopalong X]

Redemption my child! :roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples,Florida .

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[Kari]

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

:roflmao::roflmao:

A young nun asks to see the Mother Superior of her abbey.

Mother Superior: What do you want to tell me, sister Mary?
Sister Mary: I can not live with this secret of mine anymore. I need to tell it to you
MS: Shared burden is easier to carry. Tell me.
SM: Before I joined the sisterhood, I was a prostitute...

Mother Superior fells to the floor, fainting in a split second. Sister Mary, clever girl as she is, calls help, and they get Mother Superior to hospital. In two days Mother Superior feels good enough to have visitors and asks nurse to call abbey and ask Sister Mary to come to visit her.

Sister Mary arrives, pale and anxious to apologize that her bad news caused Mother Superior to have a mild stroke.

MS: No need to apologize. By joining the Holy Catholic Church and joining our sisterhood, even the most horrible acts and past life can be forgiven.
SM: I'm sorry, Mother Superior, I do not understand? I've always been catholic.
MS: But didn't you tell me you were a protestant before?
SM: No, Mother. I said I was a prostitute!

Mother Superior starts laughing. "Blessed be the Mother of God! What a relief! I thought you said protestant, that was such a shock! But prostitute, there's nothing to be ashamed. I was a brothel madame before joining the sisterhood and half of our sisters worked for me already then!"

Kari

 

[pebbly]

Very good Kari :roflmao:

 

[Kari]

That's one of the few jokes I can remember my dad telling me. He left this world already in 1984, only 48 years old, but his last years we had some fun together, for instance he dating the mother and me her daughter at the same time.

The difficult thing is to translate; I know these stories of my father only in Finnish... Jokes are difficult to translate.