Jokes Thread 2

[Hopalong X]

Sorry Dennis. I didn't mean to make you cry! :roflmao:

 

[profdlp]

Hee Haw!...

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Yes Mike, all relatives......kissin kuzzins!
Who knows ...we may be related.(d)(d)

 

[Hopalong X]

Sorry Dennis I couldn't resist! :devil:

 

[pebbly]

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

 

[Shadowjk]

How the internet was invented! Brilliant!!

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having
to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates,
who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.


Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!!


Josh

 

[Hopalong X]

iMAC Attack

Man attacked by iTeedOffWife.

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came so for my wife’s birthday, I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started....
What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I am in recovery now and am predicted to be out of the hospital in 3 to 4 weeks...iHurt

 

[Borg 386]

Needed app when dating....

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

[Borg 386]

.........

 

[pebbly]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and as they are - THE - seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......."Dopey
screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

 

[lorddenis]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and as they are - THE - seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......."Dopey
screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

:haha::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: Olmost feel of my chair

 

[DreemWarrior]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him
out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.

It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to
testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is..

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says,
"Ask him again !"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win ! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say ?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

[xarden]

There were 7 dwarves in a room feeling happy.

So Happy left.

 

[profdlp]

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a
10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets
weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat
with his best friend, Al.

Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for
the duration of the cruise. John told Al, "Just feed the cat three
meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning
cat!" And with that, he left.

The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are
things?" To which Al responded, "Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Mom's fine."

"How's the cat?"

"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up.


Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.

"How are things?"

"Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Mom's fine."

"How's the cat?"

"The cat's DEAD."

"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die?
It was my prize cat!"

"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see
it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof,
fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road,
and got run over."

John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you
have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it
bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on
the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and
broke its leg', see what I'm saying."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."

"Ok... bye." John hung up.

The next day, John phoned Al again.

"How are things?"

"Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."

 

[profdlp]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to
do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117
and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home
early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it
go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

[Borg 386]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a hamburger?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken ..

He declines again . .. . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

 

[pebbly]

A 7-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?," says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we
start swearing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say hell, and you say
ass, ok?" "Ok." the 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Aw, hell, mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4-year old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it wont be Cheerios."

 

[profdlp]

A 7-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?," says the 7-year old, "I think it's about time we
start swearing...

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Hopalong X]

"but you can bet your ass it wont be Cheerios."

:roflmao:

That is just tooo funny.

I had to send that to my brother, sister and cousin. LOL