Jokes Thread 2

[Kari]

Pebbly you are in the mood today! I have coffee once again around my desk, can't stop laughing!

 

[pebbly]

Pebbly you are in the mood today! I have coffee once again around my desk, can't stop laughing!

Not again Kari, Do be careful

 

[The Howling Wolves]

All I can say Members is.........................LOOKOUT!

PEBBLY IS ON A ROLL....again.

 

[pebbly]

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

 

[pebbly]

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just

waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... boobs WAY out to here, Mike. boobs WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,

Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her boobs and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

 

[Orbital Shark]

I accidentally dropped a box of maltesers when I was at weight watchers...

It was like watching real life hungy hungy hippos...

 

[Golden]

I accidentally dropped a box of maltesers when I was at weight watchers...

It was like watching real life hungy hungy hippos...

Aahahahaha :roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

 

[Dwarf]

With apologies to Kathryn, here's a different take on that boats and boobs joke.

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sat in a bar drowning their sorrows. It had seemed a long time since any of them had seen any boobs, let alone had any chance of fondling any.

Last orders soon came, and Paddy turned to Fred and Jock and said "I'll see you down by the harbour tomorrow morning. I have a feeling that if we're cleaning our boats, our luck will change."

The friends agreed, and so the next morning they were down at the harbour cleaning their boats. Whilst they were doing so, who should come by but 3 very buxom girls who were very well endowed on the upper part of their bodies.

The redhead walked upto Paddy and said "Can I have a ride in your boat?" Paddy replied "Sure. Climb aboard."

Next, the blonde went upto Fred and asked the same thing. Again Fred replied "Sure. Climb aboard."

Finally, the brunette approached Jock and once again asked the same question, to which Jock replied in the same way as Paddy and Fred had done previously.

The following day, Paddy and Fred met up again at the bar. Each had a huge smile on their faces. They told each other what had happened when they went out in their boat. "It was like this, we went out for miles and miles and then I killed the engine. I then turned to her and said 'It's either screw or swim!' And then she said 'I can't swim!'"

A short while later, Jock ambled in with an awkward gait. He looked sad, and had tears running down his face. Paddy and Fred told him how they had got on, and then asked him what had happened to him. Jock replied "I took her out in the boat, miles and miles out to sea." Paddy said "Go on, go on." Jock continued "I then killed the engine and said 'It's either screw or swim!'" Fred said "Well, what happened next?" With a tear in his eye, Jock continued "She pulled down her pants and.... She had a pecker, a great BIG pecker.... and I can't swim!"

Fred went over to Jock, put his arms around his shoulders and said "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you'll be feeling better soon."

Jock thanked Fred for his comforting words and then turned to Paddy. "Well, don't you have something to say to comfort me?" he said.

Paddy thought for a moment. Being Irish, it was more of a mo than a moment, but then he said "You shouldn't have been wearing that dress, Jock. You shouldn't have been wearing that dress."

 

[pebbly]

Paddy thought for a moment. Being Irish, it was more of a mo than a moment, but then he said "You shouldn't have been wearing that dress, Jock. You shouldn't have been wearing that dress."


Very good ending Dwarf :roflmao:

 

[Dwarf]

I had to get it down whilst I still had the idea in my mind.

Is there room on your naughty step for both of us?

 

[pebbly]

I had to get it down whilst I still had the idea in my mind.

Is there room on your naughty step for both of us?

Anytime you want Dwarf always plenty of room here

 

[pebbly]

A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.

The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No"

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"​

 

[Kari]

I'll try to join the club. Here's my application:

When I still was both young and hansom (now I'm only and), I was driving around the Finnish countryside with my first girlfriend. Just before dusk I thought if we could find a country hotel I might get lucky, but then I realized I had no condoms.

We came in to a small village and I saw the traditional sign of a drugstore. I stopped and went in, asking an elderly lady behind the counter if I could have some condoms. She gave me a pack of regular ones but I told her I need something bigger. She looked at me, took another pack and showed it to me. "These are extra large", she said. I told her politely that I knew this label to be too small.

"I think it's better you show me the thing, there's no other way I can find a right size for you", said the lady. I thought it's OK, so I pulled my pants down for her to have a look. "Just a moment, I have to talk with my sister", she said and went to back room, returning in a moment with another older lady.

"Do you have something to offer?", I asked.

The ladies whispered a minute or two with each other. Then first of them came closer, looked my manhood one more time, and said:

"5,000 Mark a month, a Mercedes, a company credit card and a four week yearly holiday!"

Kari

 

[pebbly]

I'll try to join the club. Here's my application:

When I still was both young and hansom (now I'm only and), I was driving around the Finnish countryside with my first girlfriend. Just before dusk I thought if we find a country hotel I might get lucky, but then I realized I had no condoms.

We came in to a small village and I saw the traditional sign of a drugstore. I stopped and went in, asking an elderly lady behind the counter if I could have some condoms. She gave me a pack of regular ones but I told her I need something bigger. She looked at me, took another pack and showed it to me. "These are extra large", she said. I told her politely that I knew this label to be too small.

"I think it's better you show me the thing, there's no other way I can find a right size for you", said the lady. I thought it's OK, so I pulled my pants down for her to have a look. "Just a moment, I have to talk with my sister", she said and went to back room, returning in a moment with another older lady.

"Do you have something to offer?", I asked.

The ladies whispered a minute or two with each other. Then first of them came closer, looked my manhood one more time, and said:

"5,000 Mark a month, a Mercedes, a company credit card and a four week yearly holiday!"

Kari

Very good Kari :roflmao:

 

[echrada]

:roflmao:

 

[kronckew]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. .." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.

 

[andsome]

Senior citizens entertainment

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance.
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch."

"It's been in my family for six generations. “He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .


Claude was never invited back to entertain.

 

[xarden]

Deja vu...

 

[Hopalong X]

Deja vu...

all over again!!