Jokes Thread 2

[pebbly]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!" [/FONT]

 

[pebbly]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"[/FONT]

 

[boogieboy]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Nope." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Nope."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"[/FONT]

:roflmao:

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The blonde shouts, "fire!!" [/FONT]

Hahahaha good one too

 

[pebbly]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could." [/FONT]

 

[profdlp]

If pulling on it did any good there would be a lot less of a market for certain items sold from the back of men's magazines.

 

[Hopalong X]

NEW 2012 NASCAR line up.

Today NASCAR has announced that they will do their part to reduce fuel consumption and emissions from their race cars.

Here is a peek at their 2012 line up of new race cars.

BEEP! BEEP!

 

[Dwarf]

Are you sure? I've found this, complete with one of their test drivers.

 

[Hopalong X]

Dwarf

Fischer-Price will be a new manufacturer in NASCAR in 2012.

 

[johnnya]

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese!

Past, Present and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go ahead. I'll hang around.

Why did the farmer kick the chickens out of his farm?
Because they used fowl language!

What's brown and runs around your garden?
A fence!

​

 

[mgorman87]

What did the snail that was riding on a turtles back say?

"Wheeeeeee!"

 

[boogieboy]

On the Highway a Police Officer stopped a Car and told the Driver that it's "Safe Driving Week" and your Driving properly on track, proper speed and wearing seat belt so you just have won $1000 for this. The Police Officer than asked the Driver what are you going to do with this $1000 prize... The Driver replied "I will get my License with this prize money"... Driver's mother quickly said to the officer "Don't believe him, He's Drunk"... suddenly Driver's Father just woke up who was sleeping on the back seat and said "God Dammit, I knew we wont get much far in a stolen car"... just after few seconds a voice was heard coming from the Trunk of the car "Sir have we reached the Border?".

 

[nithig]

i love it when that little 'you've got mail' beep comes through and it's not spam,
it's a link to the jokes threads here. that lets me sit catch up on all the good laughs
which have been added since my last visit. yet try as I may I just can't think of any
new jokes myself. so thanks those posting ...

 

[Hopalong X]

I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

 

[Hopalong X]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

" Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber Rivercalled Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f--ked up your hair?"

 

[BrightBlessings]

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years
old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good
wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old
secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years
old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like
to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has
an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are both in the same
situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times
than 54 goes into 18.


Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

 

[xarden]

Right. Time to study to become an assistant tennis coach.

 

[profdlp]

That's the trouble with the world today. All the women my age are chasing after eighteen-year-old assistant tennis coaches...

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:


As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math ...

That's a good one!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

View attachment 143820

 

[Kari]

and so true...