Jokes Thread 2

[Joan Archer]

Don't know if this has been shown here, just got it today.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"

God replied, "Shit! I didn't recognise you."


[FONT=Times New
Roman][/FONT]

​

 

[Kari]

:roflmao:

A good one, Joan!

Kari

 

[mickey megabyte]

it's the way you tell them, joan! :roflmao:

 

[kronckew]

whot? no st. patrick's day jokes?

to remedy:

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland .’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from St. John’s , I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.’

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian ?’

Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

 

[nithig]

That is a corker!
Remind me of this one:

A fella goes up to King's Cross asking the working girls where Sheila the Irish one is.
He finds her, asks for the rates the hands over $150.
Well he does this every night for ages.
After almost 20 visits Sheila can't hold her curiosity any more.
'Well" she says, "I can hear from y' accent that yr Irish, where are y' from?"

"Oh" says he, "I'm from north Dublin"
"so am I" she says, "what street?"
"John Delaney Avenue" he says.
"I never" she replies, "so am I, what number?"
"Number 15" he says.
"Well that's right across the road from where m'folks live."
"I know" he says, "they gave me this $3000 to give to yr."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared
and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by
their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

 

[Joan Archer]

Just seen this in one of my newsgroups, thought you all might find it amusing.

Political Truth




Political spin at its best.



No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is
FUNNY!


It just all depends on how you look at some things..

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in
southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree..
She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was
hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy
and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing
on the gallows in Montana territory:







On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research
is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial
Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by
Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information
about their great-great uncle.


Harry Reid:





Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the
following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory .
His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883,
he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking
leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player
in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In
1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor
when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL
SPIN

 

[jfar]

Yeee haaaaaw Hang Em High.

 

[pebbly]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."[/FONT]

 

[pebbly]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...
"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist." [/FONT]

 

[pebbly]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."
The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..." [/FONT]

 

[jfar]

Nice Pebbly, and clean for once, lol

 

[pebbly]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"[/FONT]

 

[Layback Bear]

A Amish father and son go to a Mall for the first time. Just walking around and looking at so many things that they have never seen before. They were astonished at all the new things they were seeing and could understand most. They were stumped on one such thing. A huge piece of metal against the wall that had a shine to it. Not enough shine to be a mirror. Still puzzled and starring at these shinny big pieces of metal in the wall when a old lady in a wheel chair came up and pushed a button. The two pieces of metal slid out of sight, one to the left and one to the right. They seen a small room; now they were really confused. The old lady went into the small room and the pieces of metal closed the whole in the wall and little light blinked in a numbered way up. The son asked the father what happened. I don't know said the father. Now noticing the numbered light were coming down and the two large metal door like objects sliding again to the open position to the small room there was a beautiful young woman standing there. They were both staring when the father told the son; go get your mother and tell her to hurry.

 

[spinifex]

The Darwin awards

The Darwins are out!!!!





Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are

bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.



Here is the glorious winner:



1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim

during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did

something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried

the trigger again. This time it worked.



And now, the honorable mentions:



2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting

machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his

insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men

to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a

finger..

The chef's claim was approved.



3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during

a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the

space. Understandably, he shot her.



4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver

found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from

Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the

driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free

ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the

staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre

fantasies..

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head

wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the

injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he

could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.



6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,

and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled

a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly

provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20

bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...

$15.

[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]



7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that

he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some

booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head

at

the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the

head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of

Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...



8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed

her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able

to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the

police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to

the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there

for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's

the lady I stole the purse from."



9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a

Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash

register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]



10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a

Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained

for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to

a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man

admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into

the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined

to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.



In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and

family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant

relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and

hope they remain lost.



*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce.

 

[spinifex]

A Amish father and son go to a Mall for the first time. Just walking around and looking at so many things that they have never seen before. They were astonished at all the new things they were seeing and could understand most. They were stumped on one such thing. A huge piece of metal against the wall that had a shine to it. Not enough shine to be a mirror. Still puzzled and starring at these shinny big pieces of metal in the wall when a old lady in a wheel chair came up and pushed a button. The two pieces of metal slid out of sight, one to the left and one to the right. They seen a small room; now they were really confused. The old lady went into the small room and the pieces of metal closed the whole in the wall and little light blinked in a numbered way up. The son asked the father what happened. I don't know said the father. Now noticing the numbered light were coming down and the two large metal door like objects sliding again to the open position to the small room there was a beautiful young woman standing there. They were both staring when the father told the son; go get your mother and tell her to hurry.

Just had this sent in an email, about the same time the above joke was posted.
Guess this is the same with pics.
(No insult intended to anyone in the pics)

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

​

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

​

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

​

​

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

​

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....


'Go get your Mother'

​

 

[BrightBlessings]

Two Crocodiles were sitting on the edge of the harbour in Sydney ......
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'What have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Up in the parking lot by Parliament House.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch 'em?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

 

[Golden]

Hahaha graet Bright Blesings, and so very true too.

 

[Hopalong X]

Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.​

Finally , the guys' side of the story. ​

We always hear " the rules"​

From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side. ​

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE! ​

1. Men are NOT mind readers. ​

(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)​

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. ​

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. ​

We need it up, you need it down. ​

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. ​

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon ​

or the changing of the tides. ​

Let it be. ​

1. Crying is blackmail. ​

1. Ask for what you want. ​

Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! ​

Strong hints do not work! ​

Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it! ​

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.. ​

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. ​

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. ​

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. ​

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. ​

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us. ​

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ​

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. ​

If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself. ​

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. ​

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. ​

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.​

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that. ​

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. ​

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.. ​

1.. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. ​

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . ​

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Shooting Guns, Muscle Cars, Football or Hockey. ​

1. You have enough clothes. ​

1. You have too many shoes. ​

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! ​

1. Thank you for reading this. ​

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. ​

​

 

[profdlp]

Been nice knowing you, Hopalong.