Jokes Thread 2

[pebbly]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the
young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"

 

[boogieboy]

LOL

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the
young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"

Whistle while you work
Hiitler was a jerk
Mussilini bit his wheenie
now it doesn't work!

 

[Dwarf]

I take it you're still in residence on the naughty step? Well, move over. Dennis wants to join you!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

I take it you're still in residence on the naughty step? Well, move over. Dennis wants to join you!

She (Pebbly) won't let me join her naughty group so I am headed out in back to mow the lawn!
First time we have seen the sun in many days. Will need to mow it twice as it is so high that it will clog mower up!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Jeannine is watching from the kitchen window.

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

[profdlp]

...'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

TACO Bell :

It could happen to any of us...Yes YOU!
This is so funny; I hope you enjoy it.

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupified. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a woman elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandmother does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my husband met me halfway down the hall. I handed him a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

 

[pebbly]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A Legal Question :
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.



Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"




Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"




Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".




Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"




Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"




The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.




The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"




To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.




"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

 

[boogieboy]

LPt :roflmao: hahahaha great one...

Pebbly.... I'll be carefull with Evil Women:roflmao:

 

[smsff7]

A Legal Question :
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.



Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"




Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"




Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".




Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"




Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"




The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.




The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"




To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.




"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

LMAO that was a good one

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The very first Original sin was.......................


Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.:roflmao:

 

[DreemWarrior]

Not so much a joke as a funny news story.

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back, the in jury did not appear to be severe.
After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.

 

[pebbly]

The very first Original sin was.......................
View attachment 146573

Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.:roflmao:

I think we should go and sit on the naughty step THW and deeply think about your actions :shock:

 

[Hopalong X]

Pebbly


Good idea.
I've been on the naughty step for a week now.
Someone elses turn.


Mike

 

[pebbly]

Pebbly


Good idea.
I've been on the naughty step for a week now.
Someone elses turn.


Mike

Ooops I'd forgot you were still there Hoppy , sorry, you can get off it now

 

[DreemWarrior]

LMAO

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The very first Original sin was.......................
View attachment 146573

Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.:roflmao:

I think we should go and sit on the naughty step THW and deeply think about your actions :shock:

Pebbly,
I am waiting for you so we can deeply think about............hehehehe


My actions!

 

[pebbly]

The very first Original sin was.......................
View attachment 146573

Sorry Pebbly!
I couldn't resist posting this one for you.:roflmao:

I think we should go and sit on the naughty step THW and deeply think about your actions :shock:

Pebbly,
I am waiting for you so we can deeply think about............hehehehe
View attachment 146688

My actions!

:roflmao::devil2: