Jokes Thread 2

[Bare Foot Kid]

Hello LPt, that's a good one!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Thank you BFK... glad you liked it also..

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Spoon: A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

[Hopalong X]

I will never touch a spoon in a restraunt ever again!

I am glad I never order the soup!


LPt you have now inherited the naughty step from Dennis and Pebbly!

The dungeon stairs at the bottom- now!
In the dark!
:roflmao:

 

[Shadowjk]

Ohh my.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Mike ohhh noo.. I'll try to be better.... that just made me laugh out loud so I had to
bring the joke to the forum.. NO the devil did NOT make me post it.:D

 

[Hopalong X]

Dennis made you do it right???

Blame it on him and he can sit in the dungeon.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

lol.... Mike not this time.. but the dungeon looked a bit frightening ..gimmie a stool and a pointed cap.. that, I can handle.:o

 

[seavixen32]

Bubba spied a letter lying on the doormat. On the envelope was printed "Do Not Bend."

He spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

 

[Layback Bear]

No spoons for me, I'm a fork person.

 

[pebbly]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the Casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men

 

[A Guy]

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

A Guy

 

[rbeldua]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]*Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

*A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

*Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong).

*Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

*Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."[/FONT]

 

[johnwillyums]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the Casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men

Excellent joke. Two laughs for the price of one

 

[The Howling Wolves]

It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.
He told Maria that the house keeper is asking for a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."
Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?

 

[Borg 386]

The History of Medicine
------------------------------------
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1975 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2010 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The Kansas Department of Labor claimed a small soybean
farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent
out to investigate ..

Department of Labor employee :
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

Department of Labor employee :
"That's the guy I want to talk to the mentally challenged one."

Farmer : "That would be me."

 

[profdlp]

The Kansas Department of Labor claimed a small soybean farmer was not paying proper wages...

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Layback Bear]

I can understand that the language problems that Arnold has could have caused the whole problem. I sure that's what he is going to say in divorce court.

 

[Hopalong X]

American History- Sort of???? Maybe???

The World According to Palin

Paul Revere was really a British spy. A member of MI-1.0 predecessor of the famous MI-6.
Paul's famous ride was actually to warn the British the Americans were coming.

Aaron Burr was framed by Paul Revere for treason. That was a secret until you know who posted on Wikileaks.

More to come as soon as the astrologer consultation is over. :shock:

Rumor is that Betsy Ross was a KGB agent.

Sarah Palin fans try to rewrite history on Wikipedia - Computerworld