Jokes Thread 2

[Devux]

The World According to Palin

Paul Revere was really a British spy. A member of MI-1.0 predecessor of the famous MI-6.
Paul's famous ride was actually to warn the British the Americans were coming.

Aaron Burr was framed by Paul Revere for treason. That was a secret until you know who posted on Wikileaks.

More to come as soon as the astrologer consultation is over. :shock:

Rumor is that Betsy Ross was a KGB agent.

Sarah Palin fans try to rewrite history on Wikipedia - Computerworld

They will have to post it elsewhere.
Uncyclopedia

 

[Hopalong X]

6 June 2011

Sarah Palin takes no responsibility for his thingy.


SEABROOK, New Hampshire -- Sarah Palin said Sunday she didn't mean to step on Mitt Romney's "thingy".

UnNewsalin: I didn't mean to step on Romney's "thingy" - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

I hope she didn't step on Paul Reveres "thingy".

 

[omi08]

Late one night, Jack took a short cut through a graveyard.
Hearing a tapping sound, he felt a little scared, but kept going. As the tapping grew louder, he became more frightened.
Finally, he found a man chiseling a gravestone.
"Thank goodness", Jack said to the man with relief. "You gave me quite a fright. What are you doing?"
"They spelled my name wrong", replied the man.

 

[A Guy]

Welcome to Seven Forums omi08. A Guy

 

[omi08]

Welcome to Seven Forums omi08. A Guy

Thanks A Guy! Appreciate your warm welcome buddy.. I'm totally enjoying this thread, starter for the day at the office..

 

[Borg 386]

Sex and good grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was there for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say “1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,” he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she casually asked:

"What’s the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[BugMeister]

Husband gets home from work and says to his wife, "Our milkman has just told me that he's made love to every woman in this street, bar one.."

His wife replies, "I bet it's that stuck-up woman at number 54.."




- courtesy of Max Miller..

 

[Layback Bear]

Thank you Borg, I need the laugh this mourning. I wonder if that shaman has a potion that works every sunrise instead of every full moon.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Bartender :
Guy goes in a bar, asks bartender for a "Bin Laden".
Barkeep says "what’s that?"
Dude says "two shots and a splash of water!"

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Bartender :
Guy goes in a bar, asks bartender for a "Bin Laden".
Barkeep says "what’s that?"
Dude says "two shots and a splash of water!"

​

 

[2010MegaScooter]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

They found parts of him in the state of 10,000 Lakes!!!

 

[Hopalong X]

A piece for every lake!

 

[Thorsen]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

They found parts of him in the state of 10,000 Lakes!!!

A piece for every lake!

You could say he lived up to his name a thousand times over....

 

[xarden]

Reminds me of an old baby joke:

Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...

 

[Thorsen]

Reminds me of an old baby joke:

Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...

:shock:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Reminds me of an old baby joke:

Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...

​

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

BAD Food :

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant
There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

(Call me in the morning....LOL)

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant
There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

(Call me in the morning....LOL)

LPt,
You are now on my tomorrow's people to call list.