Jokes Thread 2

[Hopalong X]

BAD Food :

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."

Amen! Pass the plate Sister LPt.

 

[simmo]

Reminds me of an old baby joke:

Whats worse than 10 babies in one mailbox?
One baby in 10 mailboxes...

​

Whats a dingo call a baby in a pram?

Meals on wheels.

 

[pebbly]

"Hello?" the child says on the phone.

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy," says the little girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with
Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later,
the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."

"What happened, honey?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all."

"Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic.

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to
clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

There's a long pause on the phone.

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

 

[johnwillyums]

"Hunting Rabbi's With Dogs-The Place of Typing Errors in Modern Anti-Semitism"

PS. Could this joke be a shibboleth?

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Observations on Growing Older


~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names.... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed. It's called their "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem....
were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now 'wisdom' spots.

~Everybody whispers.


~Now that your spouse has retired ...
you'd give anything if he/she would find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

 

[seavixen32]

My friend joined Asda's (Walmart) on-line dating agency.

I asked him how he'd got on and he replied "Great, I got a bag for life!"

 

[jfar]

SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

 

[johnwillyums]

My friend joined Asda's (Walmart) on-line dating agency.

I asked him how he'd got on and he replied "Great, I got a bag for life!"

My friend did the same. She got a date with George and he turned up in combat shorts and a fluffy dressing gown

 

[seavixen32]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure .

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'​

 

[Hopalong X]

Engineer Husband

A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

 

[Hopalong X]

A blonde was weed-a-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat,
who was hiding in the grass.​

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART! ​

Why WAL-MART??​

HELLOOOOOOOOO!​

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
​

 

[omi08]

PINOY SALESMAN IN AMERICA

The Boss asks: 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The Pinoy says: 'Sir, I was a salesman back home in Manila.'
Well, the boss liked the Pinoy chappie so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'
Pinoy boy says: 'Sir, Just ONE sale.'
The boss says: 'Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?'
Pinoy boy says: ' $101 237. 64'
Boss says: '$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?'
Pinoy boy says:'Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper Camper Tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: 'You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?'
Pinoy boy says: 'No Sir, actually he came in to buy Tylenol for his headache and I said:
'Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind!'

 

[omi08]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'

'No, what?'

'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'

'No, what?' replied the man.

'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.

'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'

 

[profdlp]

Good ones!

And now, a little poetry:

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

[Hopalong X]

LPt

Excellent!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Why thank you Mike.. I liked it also..
I sure hope it isn't as hot there as it's been down here the past 2 weeks.. no rain in sight yet.
I think the farmer will have fried green tomatoes on the vine.. an early death to the crop this year,
sure is sad for them again this year.

 

[simmo]

How to Bathe a Cat in 8 Easy Steps

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

THE DOG

cheers

 

[simmo]

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, feminists can't change anything.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
1001, one to hold the bulb and 1000 to screw the house onto it.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, let the bitch cook in the dark.

--------------------------------------

How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a red elephant?
Choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a green elephant?
Enrage it 'til it turns red, then choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a purple elephant?
Don't be stupid, there's no such thing.

--------------------------------------

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead too.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
It got hit by the first two.

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
Peer Pressure.

 

[xarden]

Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.