Jokes Thread 2

[Hopalong X]

LPT

My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.

Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:


August 8th and 9th sound wonderful!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

LPT

My wife and I are both rolling on the floor laughing about Texas.

Best joke I ever read in 55 years!!!!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:


August 8th and 9th sound wonderful?

Mike,
It took you 55 years to learn how to read?

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Mike WTG.. when I read it.... I just had to share it here.. I too rolled laughing out loud.. just hope no one passing the house could hear me .

 

[Hopalong X]

Eileen was watching TV and I was half watching and reading the joke.

I started laughing so hard and loud Eileen looked at me with that "What the ??? is wrong with you" look.

She had to read it then.
Too funny!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

We all need a great laugh ocassionally.. this was our time.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend..
I so hope we get some much needed rain.. this is getting serious here..along with this awful heat.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

"BAIL'EM OUT!? Heck, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

"What are we thinking"

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

"bail'em out!? Heck, back in 1990, the government seized the mustang ranch brothel in nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

"what are we thinking"
View attachment 166839

​

 

[Hopalong X]

"BAIL'EM OUT!? Heck, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

"What are we thinking"
View attachment 166839

It was too far from Washington D.C. for Congress to make use of it.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A professor at Michigan State University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

 

[wilywombat]

I was talking to a mate the other day. He said that he had just spent a great night making love to his girlfriend and it reminded him of Kim Bassinger and the film nine and a half weeks. I said I made love to my wife once a month and it was like that Bruce Lee film "Enter the Dragon"...

 

[Borg 386]

An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.

The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Dog for Sale!!!!


Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Name is Jethro. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Asian-street-name, Ho Lee Schitt

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

MUSTARD:
Enjoy your lunch.................................

I Love Mustard; (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a
fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,
Gourmet Mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped
by my wife suddenly at my side.

Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said..

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers..

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"

When you stop laughing, pass it on.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

My new Texas rain gauge!
View attachment 167435

 

[The Howling Wolves]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"




Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the oldGerman Shepherd exclaims loudly,




"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.




"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...




"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.


Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

 

[Hopalong X]

MUSTARD:
Enjoy your lunch.................................

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"

Join Pebbly and Dennis on the step!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

MUSTARD:
Enjoy your lunch.................................

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard
"Poupon"

Join Pebbly and Dennis on the step!

Thanks Mike,
Would love to have two beautiful ladies sitting by my side instead of and old
stinking horse with an older wrinkled up cowpoke like yourself.
THW

 

[Hopalong X]

Dennis after Kung Fu Pebbly and LPt open a can of whoop axxx on him.

 

[seavixen32]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver who had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'

Case dismissed.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Raising the Debt Ceiling is
like increasing Blood Alcohol Levels
to solve Drunk Driving!