Jokes Thread 2

[panais]

Best Answer

This is thankfully not from this forum.

"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"

Best Answer - Chosen by......

"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"

 

[Hopalong X]

This is thankfully not from this forum.

"How do i check my computer's memory usage?"
"I have a dell laptop and I want to check the memory usage on it. Any help?"

Best Answer - Chosen by......

"Check you hardisk. Go to my computer and see your hardisk then it you find one of your hardisk. Click right click and then you will see a list and then choose properties. For me my hardisk is in local disk c"

:shock:

Must have been a Dell Applesauce.

Maybe a Dell OSsux.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A blind man walks into a bar. Sits down and orders a drink. He then asks if anyone wants to hear a blond joke. The bartender says before you tell your joke you need to know that I am a blond and a female weight lifter, the girl on your right is blond and a professional wrestler and the girl on your left is blond and a professional boxer. Now do you really want to tell a blond joke? He thinks a minuet and replies, never mind I don't want to explain the joke 3 times.

Jim

WTG Jim.. that's a good one.. lol...:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Wee Button

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly?
I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says, "My God, what happened to
ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."

 

[seavixen32]

A man was given a parrot as a birthday gift. Unfortunately, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word screeched by the parrot was rude, obnoxious and laced with swearwords.

The man tried everything he could to stop the parrot from swearing too much, but he finally lost patience and yelled at the parrot to shut up. The parrott swore even more profusely, which made the man haul it out of its cage and shake it furiously, but the more the parrot was shook the angrier it became.

In desperation, the man grabbed the parrot and threw it in the freezer and closed the lid. For a few minutes the parrot kicked and squawked, but then there was total silence.

Fearing he'd gone too far, the man quickly opened the freezer lid. The parrot very calmly stepped out of the freezer and stood on the man's outstretched hands and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm very sorry for all the trouble I've caused you and I intend to do anything I can to correct my obnoxious behaviour."

The man was absolutely stunned at this contrite reaction by the parrot, but as he was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change in attitude, the bird spoke, very softly.

"If it's not too much trouble, may I ask what the chicken did?"

 

[A Guy]

Lol, a repeat, but still good

A Guy

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job, given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."

 

[dreamer]

Due to a power outage, The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Ring Ringrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
**'Hello?'**


**'Hi, Honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**



**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**


**'But Honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**



**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**



**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, Honey?' **



'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**



**'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**



**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

last week to clean it.**



**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**



*****Long Pause*****






*****Longer Pause*****





*****Even Longer Pause*****





**Then Daddy says,**



**'Swimming pool'? ............**


**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

 

[seavixen32]

An old Les Dawson joke or two about his mother-in-law.

My mother-in-law lay at death's door, but I said to the wife: "Don't worry, I'll pull her through."

When my mother-in-law visits, the mice jump on the traps.

I always keep a picture of the mother-in-law hanging over the fireplace. Well, it keeps the kids away from the fire.

When the mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I thought: "Good Lord, I didn't think they worked!"

 

[beauparc]

From a Home Economics textbook printed in the '60s​

...Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom. Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply facecream or hairproducts, wait until he is asleep, as this can be quite shocking to a man last thing at night.​

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations, it is important to remember your marriage vows and your commitment to obey him. Should your husband suggest congress, then accede humbly, all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had.​

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, you should be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then promptly fall asleep so, adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your nightime face and hair products.​

 

[seavixen32]

Jeez, was that the 1860s or the 1960s?

I just showed it to my wife and she's threatened me with divorce if I initiate conjugal rights without her say so!!

 

[beauparc]

The Italian who went to Malta​

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two piss. She say go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later, I go eat at bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock onna the table. She say you better not fock onna table you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to checkout and man on desk say "peace on you". I say "piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy"!

​

 

[beauparc]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******."

 

[beauparc]

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday. She was a bit lonely.
She thought... "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills, flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places; thick wavy hair; long powerful legs; a dazzling smile; and six-pack abs. She felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.

She figured: What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am. How may I help you?"

Oh, my, he sounded sooooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in:

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said... "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

[Phone Man]

A guy checked into a hotel. After he got settled he was being bothered by a bunch of flies. After repeated calls to the front desk with no relief he fixed the problem himself. The next morning when checking out the desk clerk asked about the fly problem. The guy stated he took care of the problem by bunching them in he corner. The clerk ask what he had done to bunch them, He stated "I took a shit in the corner"

Jim

 

[BrightBlessings]

Clintonvhp

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders............
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

 

[pebbly]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'f**k or drown'."

 

[pebbly]

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and screw."

The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"

 

[Layback Bear]

They loved it.

A guy checked into a hotel. After he got settled he was being bothered by a bunch of flies. After repeated calls to the front desk with no relief he fixed the problem himself. The next morning when checking out the desk clerk asked about the fly problem. The guy stated he took care of the problem by bunching them in he corner. The clerk ask what he had done to bunch them, He stated "I took a shit in the corner"

Jim

They loved it at the V.F.W.