Jokes Thread 2

[beauparc]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION



ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:




1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5.. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

 

[dreamer]

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............

I didn't get this joke

 

[Hopalong X]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the young woman, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over. So now we're going to visit Sea World."

 

[jfar]

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.............

I didn't get this joke

The bloke with the bucket of sand didn't get it either, hhh

 

[Layback Bear]

Caring the bucket of sand is his handy cap I think. Kind of like a stroke in golf.

 

[jfar]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old mates.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'







'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.



'I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'



The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'



She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.





The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think

of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop....but at the pub..you know...they have
frozen glasses...'





He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,





'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'



She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the pub
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'



You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.



'But my sweet honey... At the pub... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'





'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now,

and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'





........and, they lived happily ever after.

 

[pebbly]

The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise...

Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.

He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."

She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?

He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."

She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.

"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"

The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."

Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.

She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."

"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.

The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."

"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."

Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.*.*.K.."

Shocked, they said, "F.*.*.K? What do you mean F.*.*.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.*.*.K.

Foist U Could Knock!

 

[pebbly]

A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?"

The boy says "Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

 

[seavixen32]

I hope I don't get banned for this one.

Traffic police on the M1 in Nottinghamshire clocked a car doing 115 mph.

With great aplomb they pulled him over and asked if he realised he was breaking the speed limit, and then asked to see his driving licence.

Unfortunately, the driver hadn't got his driving licence with him, so the cop asked him who he was.

The driver replied; "My name is William Walter W***ing-Break and I work for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay in Suffolk." And with that he gave the cop his business card.

"Very well, Sir," replied the cop, "you can go now, but you'll be receiving a summons for speeding very soon."

With that, the traffic cop drove back to the police station and when he arrived he thought it best to check whether this William Walter W***king-Break was really who he said he was.

He dialled the number on the business card, and after three rings a girl with a delightful Welsh lilt to her voice said, "Good afternoon. This is the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company of Bungay in Suffolk. How may I help you?"

"Have you got a W***king-Break at your place?" asked the traffic cop.

"W***king break," she replied indignantly. "W***king break? You've got to be bloody joking! Our boss is that mean, we don't even get a tea break!"

 

[Paarkhi]

@seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those *** I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)

 

[A Guy]

Rhymes with Spanking

A Guy

 

[seavixen32]

@seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those *** I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)

See comment 1811 by A Guy.

 

[smarteyeball]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.



And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.



And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Great quotes!
Which goes to show you that SHIT HAPPENS on a daily basis.

 

[djl47]

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

The preceding was derived from a routine performed by the late George Carlin who waxed eloquently on the seven dirty words. Here's some of the original shit: Transcript of "Filthy Words" by George Carlin

objoke
The three quotes used the most by pilots:
1. Why is it doing that?
2. Where are we?
3. Holy shit!

 

[djl47]

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What are looking at old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "When I was in the Navy I got drunk and screwed a parrot. Thought you might be my son."

 

[Dwarf]

Bill and Blanche

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the county fair every year. And every year, Bill would say "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Blanche always replied "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"

One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair and Bill said "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Blanche replied "Bill, that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"

The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you just say one word it's twenty quid."

Bill and Blanche agreed, and so up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manouevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a single word was heard.

Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Bill. He said "By 'eck, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Bill replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out but, you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"

 

[Golden]

Ahahaha. Good one Dwarf.

 

[Borg 386]

Billy is standing in a field looking at an overturned hay wagon with a worried look on his face when the neighbor drives by on his tractor.

"Hey Billy..." yells the neighbor, "why dont'cha hop on & we'll go get us some dinner at my house. Come on, sit a spell & forget your troubles..."

Billy says: "Well, thank you much Mr. Parsons, but I don't reckon Pa would like it very much"

"Nonsense!" says Mr Parsons, "Me & your Pa have been friends for over 20 years, he ain't gonna mind you stopping over for some dinner, now I insist, c'mon along son"

Billy nervously looks at him and says: "Well, OK sir, if you reckon my Pa won't mind..."

At the dinner table, Billy is somewhat quiet, so Mr. Parsons asks: "By the way boy...where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon sir...."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"