Jokes Thread 2

[The Howling Wolves]

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds.Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.

 

[arkhi]

• They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
• Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

I know it's a joke, but some people would regard the mentioned statements as facts. The physical part are meant for morale, cohesion, and physical readiness -.-. It was especially on the Korean war that the Army realized that running is a big deal when soldiers would die because they run out of energy quick because they can't take cover fast enough.

Also, I've had a 42 year old woman in basic, and my god we hated her because she had the mindset of an adult. You know, being older than our 30 year old drill sgt and all. "It's all about rank, not age" our DS would say. Yet she's still stubborn. The constant smoking doesn't really help either but it was fun

 

[arkhi]

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John." the new seaman replied.

"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"

"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye. Aye Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."

 

[Layback Bear]

Howling Wolves great post # 1821. I'm also a long range varmint hunter; their has to be a need for two legged varmint hunters. See my Sig, not a lot of running going on there either.

 

[panais]

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John." the new seaman replied.

"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"

"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye. Aye Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."

Good one!

 

[simmo]

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIAAugust 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home inKarratha, Western Australia.Now this is a town that knows how to live!Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditionedcar.What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into asun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!
!September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lotsof palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, butI love it here. It's Paradise!
October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windythough. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than weexpected.
October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before Ileft for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to theupholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned mylesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant ****ing blowdryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink andthe repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to orderparts from ****ing Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven'tarrived for the ****ing air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all beensleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and wecan't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makesit feel about 35. Stupid repairman. ****ing thief.November 8 - If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'mgoing to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, thecar radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet andI smell like baked cat. ****ing place is the end of the Earth.
November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat onthe black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my ****ing arse was onfire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and offmy ****ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and bakedcat.****. ****.. ****.
November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hotand sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes!It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weathermansays it might really warm up next week. ****!
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Waterrestrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up andblow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****inghell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear ofswallowing half a dozen of the little *******s!
November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now theair conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ingarse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out ofjail for assaulting the stupid prick.****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want tolive here!
December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kiddingme!cheers

 

[wilywombat]

An Englishman recently moved to the Scottish Highlands

'OUR FIRST WINTER IN SCOTLAND'.....


DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars £500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - £2000 . Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush . That b....rd snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th More ****ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f..ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th ****ing b.....d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr..ks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch that f..kpig that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b.....d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'f...ing' Schumacher and buries the f...ing driveway again.

JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of f...ing snow and f...ing ice and f...ing sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
Can't move my f...ing toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun for 5 b....rd weeks. Minus 20 and more f...ing snow forecast

BOLLOCKS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !!

 

[periboob]

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIAAugust 31 - ...

Good story, but I prefer the Kipling version
Poems - Pagett, M.P.

 

[djl47]

Good story, but I prefer the Kipling version
Poems - Pagett, M.P.

Love Kipling but I'll need the Cliff's Notes to understand all of the idioms and metaphors in that one. Thanks for the link.

 

[pebbly]

guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.




YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?

GOTCHA!
Now it's your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great week!

 

[arkhi]

NEW WEDDING STYLE

PRIEST: Do you agree to change your facebook status from single to married?

BOY AND GIRL: I Do!

PRIEST: I now pronounce you as Husband and Wife. Congratulations, you may now upload your wedding pictures and don't forget to tag me.

 

[strollin]

25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope.

 

[pebbly]

Christmas Golf Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."

 

[pebbly]

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"

The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.

The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.

The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"

 

[pebbly]

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU F***ERS!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"

The ranks separate a bit.

The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

 

[pebbly]

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.

One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"

Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."

Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"

Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"

In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?

"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.

"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?

"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"

 

[Hopalong X]

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......

a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.

 

[Dwarf]

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
...presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
What is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not .......

a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.

A Parliament of owls because they look so wise? Now, that's a paradox in itself. Especially when you consider the collective term for our politicians here in the UK - yep, it's a Parliament.

I sometimes think that, both here in the UK and over in the US (and probably elsewhere in the world), we'd be better served by a Congress of baboons!

 

[djl47]

... consider a group of Baboons.
a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington D.C.

:roflmao::roflmao: Is there an icon for snorting Bombay Sapphire out my nose?


PS: You forgot a covey of quail.