Jokes Thread 2

[v0id]

This is jokes thread! Post your best jokes! I will start first!
​

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."



Continuation of:

http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/16836-jokes-thread.html

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

I noticed it was at 200+ pages and was expecting this.

 

[DJROD]

From what i just read above...dirty jokes are allowed?

 

[Airbot]

Just keep the jokes as clean as you can. In other words, don't go out of your way to find and post obscene or insulting jokes. Thanks.

 

[BrightBlessings]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

 

[CarlTR6]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

:roflmao:

 

[xarden]

:roflmao:I dont know whats funnier... the moral, or the accent

 

[smsff7]

Laughing
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

 

[BrightBlessings]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
... Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is *Fiji Islands*

 

[kronckew]

as this is the beginning of a new thread, we must have a chicken joke:

Q. why did the chicken kill itself?
A. to get to the other side.

 

[Dinesh]

Q: What is the height of pressure?
A: A man keeping the laptop on his girlfriend's back and working on both of them simultaneously.

 

[Thorsen]

as this is the beginning of a new thread, we must have a chicken joke:

Q. why did the chicken kill itself?
A. to get to the other side.

Why did the teddy bear cross the road?


It was stapled to the chicken.

 

[Thorsen]

Why did the one armed man cross the road?


To get to the second hand store.

 

[Borg 386]

A Bear and a Rabbit are walking through the woods.

The Bear asks the Rabbit "You ever have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"

The Rabbit says "nope."

They walk a little farther and the Bear says "You sure you don't have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?"

The Rabbit says "no."

The Bear says "Great!", grabs the Rabbit and wipes his rear with him.

 

[periboob]

Could you be more specific? I am pretty hard to offend, and I dont know which term(s) you object to. I like the quote "You always have the right to not be oppressed, you never have the right to not be offended". And it turns out that you could never complete a sentence without offending someone.
Racial Slurs Database

 

[Dinesh]

Nevermind, its been removed.

 

[z3r010]

Could you be more specific? I am pretty hard to offend, and I dont know which term(s) you object to. I like the quote "You always have the right to not be oppressed, you never have the right to not be offended". And it turns out that you could never complete a sentence without offending someone.
Racial Slurs Database

Keep it clean, I dont want to have to remove posts again.

 

[periboob]

I understand, and appreciate your efforts in that direction. I know moderating must be a tough job, particularly in a "Chill-out" room, and in a Jokes thread. But I honestly do not understand what was offensive.

Guess I will just go back to lurking.

 

[Dinesh]

There was nothing offensive. But I m sure you do not speak such language at home. Similarly, this forums has members of every age group and some might not like it.

 

[CarlTR6]

I understand, and appreciate your efforts in that direction. I know moderating must be a tough job, particularly in a "Chill-out" room, and in a Jokes thread. But I honestly do not understand what was offensive.

Guess I will just go back to lurking.

Just keep in mind this is a family forum. G-rated, well maybe PG rated