Jokes Thread 2

[boohbah]

An old lady walks into a butchers shop an asks for a Milwaukee chicken, the butcher looks at her scratches his head and puts a chicken on the counter,

the old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says that's not a Milwaukee chicken that's a Rhodes island red.

this continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken , "that one will do she says" ,

whilst the butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says "you are new here aren't you ,where are you from".

The butcher drops his trousers bends over and says "you tell me!"

 

[derekimo]

An old lady walks into a butchers shop an asks for a Milwaukee chicken, the butcher looks at her scratches his head and puts a chicken on the counter,

the old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says that's not a Milwaukee chicken that's a Rhodes island red.

this continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken , "that one will do she says" ,

whilst the butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says "you are new here aren't you ,where are you from".

The butcher drops his trousers bends over and says "you tell me!"

:roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

:roflmao::roflmao:Thanks, Steve; I needed that today.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

.


.
New business is booming


A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
.




.

I like this one!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

This is a group of guys doing Lady Gaga's song.. Acapella.. Enjoy !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcBaFTK85RQ&feature=related

 

[Borg 386]

Rules for Bank Robbers

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up.

Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.

Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

 

[Borg 386]

Crazy world ain't it?

 

[xarden]

And if you look reeeeally hard, you'll notice a pink thing trailing behind...

 

[profdlp]

This is a group of guys doing Lady Gaga's song.. Acapella.. Enjoy !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcBaFTK85RQ&feature=related

That was awesome!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

pro hi.. thanks, I enjoyed it as well.. they were so together.. must have really
practiced it a lot.

 

[BugMeister]

 

[Borg 386]

TOP SIGNS he/she IS GETTING BORED HAVING SEX WITH YOU

After you request sex he/she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
Last time he/she screamed during sex was the first time he/she won at solitaire.
Only moans during commercial breaks.
Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. (Just can't let go of that "Bill Clinton" thing!)
You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
Beginning to think he/she is only "playing" dead.
During the act, he/she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
Moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file playing on the portable music player.
Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, he/she wants to leave her pants on too.
Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
Boredom? So that's why he/she keeps deflating....
Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold so you can "hurry it along."
Asks to be on top so he/she can balance her checkbook better.
he/she yells out her own name.
Bangs head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

 

[smsff7]

Monkey Business
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

 

[BrightBlessings]

25-Hospital Bloopers--writings from hospital charts: --


1)The patient refused autopsy. --

2)The patient has no previous history of suicides. --

3)Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. --

4)She has no rigors or shaking chills,but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. --

5)Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a yr. -

-6)on the 2nd day the knee was better,+on the 3rd day it disappeared. --

7)The patient is tearful+crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. --

8)The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in1993. --

9)Discharge status:Alive but without permission --

10)Healthy appearing decrepit 69-yr old male, mentally alert but forgetful. --

11)Patient had waffles for breakfast+anorexia for lunch. --

12)She is numb from her toes down. --

13)While in ER,she was examined,x-rated+sent home. --

14)The skin was moist+dry. -

-15)Occasional,constant infrequent headaches. --

16)Patient was alert+unresponsive. --

7)Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid( ??? ouch) --

18)She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,until she got a divorce. --

19)I saw your patient today,who is still under our car for physical therapy. -

-20)Both breasts are equal+reactive to light+accommodation. --

21)Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.( O.K..) --Huuuumm --

22)The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. --

23)Skin:somewhat pale but present. --

24)The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. --

25)Patient has 2 teenage children,but no other abnormalities.

 

[steve-pressman]

Computers

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............

 

[CarlTR6]

25-Hospital Bloopers--writings from hospital charts: --

Hilarious! I needed that. My wife's nurse enjoyed them, too.

 

[BrightBlessings]

25-Hospital Bloopers--writings from hospital charts: --

Hilarious! I needed that. My wife's nurse enjoyed them, too.

Sometimes laughter is indeed the best...............

Bright Blessings
To your wife and yourself

 

[smsff7]

Marriage
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."​

 

[JohnUnderscore]

An Irishman at the Pearly Gates


So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention.
"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan... you're a member of the Irish Republican Army".

"Yeh, that'd be me", replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London"!

"Yeah".

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland".

"Yeh, that's all me work", comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here"!

"Let me in, Hell"! says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out"!


An Irishman at the Pearly Gates

 

[steve-pressman]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".

And here I am.

Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist.