Jokes Thread [3]

[BlackSparrow]

Romantic yet not so romantic... :roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Funeral Procession
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery
black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind
the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so
sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's.", answered the man.
"What happened to her?", the curious man asked.
The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[Trucidation]

Okay, that one was decidedly not romantic Let's get back to Paddy & friends

-
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"Holy Mary," exclaims Paddy, "I been flying more than 10 years but that's the shortest fookin' runway I ever seen."

"You're not fookin' kiddin, Paddy," replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

"You're not fookin' kiddin, Paddy," replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse," said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away," said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already," replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, all was silent for a while until Paddy looked out the front window. "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin' runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied, "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin' wide it is".

-
:shock:

Best. Pilots. Ever.

 

[gladson1976]

That was fookin' hilarious

 

[Hopalong X]

You are right Trucidation. Now this is romantic
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Romantic Funeral Procession
from the ladies point of view

A woman was leaving a Starbucks with her morning double shot Cappuccino with a triple twist whipped cream when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman dressed in a black Vera Wang dress carrying a Gucci handbag with a tea cup chihuahua delightfully peering out.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The Starbucks sipping woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the apparently grieving woman and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's.", answered the grieving widow.

"What happened to him?", the curious woman asked.

The grieving widow replied, "He yelled at me and my chihuahua Lulu attacked and killed him."

She inquired further after taking a sip of her Starbucks, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The grieving widow answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of sisterhood and silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?" asked the saddened Starbucks sipper.

The grieving widow replied, "Get in line."


Now that is as romantic as Romeo and Juliet.

...and if you don't agree the next package you receive may be Lulu.

Mrs. Hopalong

 

[gladson1976]

A little Little Johnny joke

Teacher: 'I killed a man'. Convert this sentence to future tense.
Johnny: The future tense is 'You will go to jail'.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

DO NOT read this before breakfast...

~ A Cup of Tea ~


One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

 

[gladson1976]

Another Little Johnny joke

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity.

She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outta here."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You may go."

Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go."

Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had answered first.

Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" and the teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. you may go."

Now Johnny was furious!

The teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

FYI

The year was 1947.

Have A LAUGH!
The year was 1947.
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 64 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:
Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden
This is the consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses. I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It certainly did for me.
And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.

 

[Trucidation]

This is the consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses. I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It certainly did for me.

I knew it!!


Nun Other

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.

The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."

"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun.

They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."

"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."

Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."

Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

 

[F5ing]

FYI

The year was 1947.

Well, well, well. That, finally, clears it all up!

 

[Layback Bear]

Thank you Howling Wolves for the research. I believe you are correct or very close to it. I think some of them lied about their DOB just to fool us.
I would also include Janet Reno in the group, lying about her age. After all they do get the illegal alien votes every election. Keeping in the family as they say.

 

[F5ing]

Nun Other

How 'bout that. A cold hot nun!

 

[Trucidation]

Hee hee... Ok here's another Paddy Special before I kick loose for the weekend.

Maximum Occupancy

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

A stunned silence descends on the heretofore jovial Scotsmen, and they look at each other in disbelief. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver finally retorts. He grabs a bundle of papers from the glove compartment and proffers them to the officer. "Here, look at the specs: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies officer Paddy firmly, refusing to even glance at the papers. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car - and you are therefore breaking the law."

The burliest Scotsman, sitting in the passenger seat beside the driver, leans over and says replies angrily, "Sir, you are an idiot. Please call your supervisor over. We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, straightening up and pointing over at another car stopped a little way ahead. "Officer Murphy is busy with those 2 guys in that Fiat Uno."

:roflmao:

 

[DustSailor]

I forget the real names but here goes:

Juan and Julio were out hunting when suddenly they came upon a long white fence. In surprise, they look down and notice Juan's big toe sticking out of the brush. Mistaking it for a snake, the two quickly reach for their guns when suddenly Julio lets off an ear shattering shot right at the thing. With a scream, Juan yells over at Julio, "Quick, shoot it again, it bit me!"

 

[BugMeister]

Ninety gaffes in ninety years - Home News - UK - The Independent

:roflmao:

 

[derekimo]

Ninety gaffes in ninety years - Home News - UK - The Independent

:roflmao:

49. Philip: "Who are you?"
Simon Kelner: "I'm the editor-in-chief of The Independent, Sir."
Philip: "What are you doing here?"
Kelner: "You invited me."
Philip: "Well, you didn't have to come!"
An exchange at a press reception to mark the Golden Jubilee in 2002.

He speaks his mind doesn't he. Good stuff.

 

[M1GU31]

Pretty cheesy and sure someone probably used something similar before but here I go.

A duck goes in a store and buys some merchandise.The store clerk says would you like to pay with your credit card?The duck says no just put it on my bill.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A Blonde in the Church
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

THE JEWISH MISTRESS

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says,
"Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband,
"she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.