Jokes Thread [3]

[gladson1976]

:roflmao:

 

[Trucidation]

I'm on a roll

Helping The Doctor

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Good job Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo! You're alright at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.

Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Easy, I gave her eyedrops."

:roflmao:

 

[BlackSparrow]

:roflmao: god that's a good one! :roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don’t worry – just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile."Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and then you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The bartender noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this act pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin" me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third pub

 

[derekimo]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don’t worry – just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile."Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and then you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The bartender noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this act pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin" me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third pub

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[xxxdannyxxx]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don’t worry – just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile."Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and then you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The bartender noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this act pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin" me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third pub

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Trucidation]

Heh, I remember that sausage one, eww. Here's another Paddy joke.

Taking The Bus Home

Two Irish friends, Sean and Paddy, leave the pub after a long night of drinking. Blearily stumbling to the nearby bus stop, they realise the last bus has long gone.

'Well, that's done it,' says Sean. 'We missed the last bus.'

Paddy nods. 'I know, but we've got no money for a cab, and it's too far to walk. So what do we do now?'

The two drunks put their heads together and try to come up with a plan. After discarding a few schemes they finally settle on the easiest: steal a bus from the depot and drive it home.

In short order they arrive at the bus depot and Paddy goes in while Sean keeps a look-out at the gate.

After shuffling around for ages, Sean hollers to his friend, 'Oi, what's taking so long, Paddy? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91' comes the frustrated reply.

'Oh Jaysus, ye tick sod, just take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.'

 

[BlackSparrow]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don’t worry – just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile."Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and then you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The bartender noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this act pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin" me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third pub

:roflmao::rofmao::roflmao: I would hate to be Shamus! Awesome joke too Miss Pebbly

 

[Dwarf]

Last I heard, Miss Pebbly was going round incognito. Rumour has it that this mystery person answers to the name of Shamus. :shock:

 

[pebbly]

Naughty step Dwarf :roflmao:

 

[Dwarf]

I'm surprised that there's any more room on it whilst you, Dennis, and Mike are still sat there!

 

[Hopalong X]

We have room for you on the naughty step. Ey up!

You can sit 'tween Dennis and Topper.
Dennis still has a wee bit of problem with the mange.

:roflmao:

 

[Dwarf]

There's definitely not enough room if Topper is also sat there!

 

[Hopalong X]

There's definitely not enough room if Topper is also sat there!

Ah, but it is an entire staircase and the three of you get the bottom step.

I'm sitting with Pebbly above and up wind.

 

[boohbah]

topper aint that big

 

[Hopalong X]

Where's my Dwarfy pooh?

Topper

 

[pebbly]

 

[boohbah]

 

[Alsisgevat]

Vampire Bats:

A bat flies back into the cave with his mouth covered in blood, all the other bats are amazed and are asking him non stop where he got the blood, they want that much too!

After a while he gives in and flies out,they all eagerly follow him, about 2 minutes in he says to them all "see that low hanging tree branch up ahead?"

"Yes!!" They all replied.

He says : "Well I didn't". . .

 

[Trucidation]

Haha, ouch. Ok, here's another one:

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.

He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'

Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.

'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'

'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'

'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!' '

-
Isn't that just romantic