Jokes Thread [3]

[Joan Archer]

Brilliant, thanks Bill, that Death one made me chuckle.

 

[boogieboy]

In England, a barber shop had a customer who was a soldier..

After haircut when he gave money, the barber refused & said:
You fight 4 the people of the country, I wont take money from you'..

Next day he found some flowers & sweets outside his shop ..

Then a doctor came, again the barber didn't take money & said:
'You help the ill people of my country, I wont take money from you' ..

Next day he found an expensive clothing outside his shop!!

Then a Pakistani came, barber didn't take the money from him too & said:
"You are our visitor, I wont take money from you" ..

Next day ...

There were 10 Pakistanis waiting in a line outside his shop!!!

 

[BugMeister]

What do you call a wriggly robot..??

A worminator..!!

 

[Trevers1987]

What do you call a wriggly robot..??

A worminator..!!

thats terrible lol
here's my go

What did the grape do when it got trod on?.........
Let out a little Wine!!:roflmao:

 

[Hopalong X]

What do you call a wriggly robot..??

A worminator..!!

A BugEnator?

 

[A Guy]

How do you get out of an elephant? Run around until you get pooped out

Remember that from my childhood. A Guy

 

[BugMeister]

- genuine 1960's UK TV ad..

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A New Truck


One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw
his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to
him with a wide grin.


"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"


"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya? "I know'd she wiz kinda sweet on ya, but a
new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6,in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel
drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got
out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take
whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

 

[Britton30]

In England, a barber shop had a customer who was a soldier..

After haircut when he gave money, the barber refused & said:
You fight 4 the people of the country, I wont take money from you'..

Next day he found some flowers & sweets outside his shop ..

Then a doctor came, again the barber didn't take money & said:
'You help the ill people of my country, I wont take money from you' ..

Next day he found an expensive clothing outside his shop!!

Then a Pakistani came, barber didn't take the money from him too & said:
"You are our visitor, I wont take money from you" ..

Next day ...

There were 10 Pakistanis waiting in a line outside his shop!!!

Funny and shows we can laugh at ourselves.

"Pakistani " could be substituted with a lot of things too. Democrat comes to mind.

 

[Borg 386]

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like.

"You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them.

Dad wasn't sold: "Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it."

 

[Trevers1987]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband


P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

 

[Layback Bear]

Trevers some have all the luck. He get Carla and Carl all in one package and it only cost him 10 million.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Idle Thoughts Of A
Retiree's Wandering Mind:

********************

I had amnesia
once---or twice
********************



I went to San
Francisco .
I found someone's heart. Now what?


********************

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************



All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
happy
********************

If the world were
a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.


********************

What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
********************



They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.


********************

Teach a child to be
polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up,
he'll
never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.


********************

Experience is the thing
you have left
when everything else is gone.


********************

One nice thing about
egotists:
they don't talk about other people.


********************

My weight is perfect
for my height--
which varies.
********************



I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.


********************

How can there be
self-help "groups"?
********************

If
swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?


********************

Show me a man with both
feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get
his pants off.
********************

Is it me
--or
do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************

"If I wasn't so darn modest I'd be perfect!"

 

[kf10]

one person used to work on 12th floor

one day a person came and said gul zaman

your daughter has ran away with some boy

on hearing this person jumped from 12th floor

when he reached 8th floor, he remember that he dont have a daughter

when he reached 4th floor, he remember that he is not married

when he reached 1st floor, his name is not gul zaman

 

[Phone Man]

When you get old you loose three of you faculties.

The first is Memory.

I don't remember the other two.

Jim

 

[BlackSparrow]

When you get old you loose three of you faculties.

The first is Memory.

I don't remember the other two.

Jim

Nice one xD

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Psychology or Law ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** **** **** A guy asked a girl in a library:* "Do you mind if I sit beside you?''* The girl replied in a loud voice:* "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"** * All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:* "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?''** * The guy responded with a loud voice: *'$'500 FOR ONE NIGHT THAT'S TOO MUCH!!''** * All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears:* "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty....!"*****

 

[A Guy]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Psychology or Law ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** **** **** A guy asked a girl in a library:* "Do you mind if I sit beside you?''* The girl replied in a loud voice:* "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"** * All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:* "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?''** * The guy responded with a loud voice: *'$'500 FOR ONE NIGHT THAT'S TOO MUCH!!''** * All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears:* "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty....!"*****

I swear...I was never in that library!

Good one M'Lady

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

OHHHH great A Guy.. sure glad that wasn't you......lol....:roflmao:

 

[pincushion]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Psychology or Law ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** **** **** A guy asked a girl in a library:* "Do you mind if I sit beside you?''* The girl replied in a loud voice:* "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"** * All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:* "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?''** * The guy responded with a loud voice: *'$'500 FOR ONE NIGHT THAT'S TOO MUCH!!''** * All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears:* "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty....!"*****

:roflmao: