Jokes Thread [3]

[BlackSparrow]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Psychology or Law ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** **** **** A guy asked a girl in a library:* "Do you mind if I sit beside you?''* The girl replied in a loud voice:* "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"** * All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:* "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?''** * The guy responded with a loud voice: *'$'500 FOR ONE NIGHT THAT'S TOO MUCH!!''** * All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears:* "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty....!"*****

:roflmao::roflmao: Nice one My Lady

 

[Trevers1987]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

 

[BlackSparrow]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Random but funny at the same time xD

 

[A Guy]

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are really pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? The saurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Velcro. What a rip off!

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Random but funny at the same time xD

Clever play on words !!!!!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

~~~Why Grandfathers are different:~~~



Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:



There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.



One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.



When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.



Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single a**hole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's a**, blindba**ard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bi**h anywhere we went!"







Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[Trevers1987]

Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,

"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said,

"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said,

"Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,

"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Women just make it too easy for a guy to strip !!!!!...lol..... that's a cute joke Trevers.

 

[Trevers1987]

Women just make it too easy for a guy to strip !!!!!...lol..... that's a cute joke Trevers.

Not me I'm a classy broads :roflmao:

 

[Trevers1987]

A couple were involved in a very bad automobile accident. The wife's face was horribly scarred. After many months a team of doctors were brought in to assess the situation.

They decided that they could fix her up but it would take a huge amount of skin which could not be taken from the women without leaving more scars and more serious side effects.

Her husband stood up and said, "I have a large backside. You can take the skin from there no one will even notice anyway".

After a series of operations the wife's face was even more beautiful than ever.

She was so happy she exclaimed to her husband that she would do anything he wanted for sacrificing himself for her.

"I don't want anything.", he answered. "My reward is every time I see your mother kiss your cheek".

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

haha........ YOU are sooo bad !!!!!:roflmao:

 

[Trevers1987]

haha........ YOU are sooo bad !!!!!:roflmao:

I'm from Essex what you expect and have all that English charm.
So you wanna be careful it not me dong the tricking lol I kid.
Also love the new Sig you just added i'll take the treat.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Dating ads for Seniors

My favorite....
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some
hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in
running condition, but walks well.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

More Senior jokes....

ROMANCE....SENIOR-STYLE


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was almost asleep, but the wife

was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.


She siad, 'You used o hold my hand when we were courting.'


Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a moment and tried to get back to sleep.


A few moments later, she said, 'Then you used to kiss me.'


Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to

sleep.


Thirty seconds later she said, Then you used to bited my neck.'


Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed.


'Where are you going,' she asked.


'TO GET MY TEETH!

 

[pincushion]

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are really pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? The saurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Velcro. What a rip off!

A Guy

Nice collection! (d)

 

[Joan Archer]

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t that he really was."

 

[pebbly]

A priest and a Hindu are having breakfast when the priest says "I can see an image of Jesus in the margarine on my toast."The Hindu says "I can't believe it's not Buddha."



I'll get my coat ..........

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Catholic hairdryer


In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.

However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the
Truth differently without lying.



Getting a Hairdryer through Customs.
So here is how that's done:



An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.


Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'


'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'


Roaring with laughter, the official said, � Go ahead, Father.
Next please!'

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t that he really was."

Joan that's a great one !!!!... more power to women.

:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

haha........ YOU are sooo bad !!!!!:roflmao:

I'm from Essex what you expect and have all that English charm.
So you wanna be careful it not me dong the tricking lol I kid.
Also love the new Sig you just added i'll take the treat.

Glad you like the Sig.. a friend in another group made that for me. I won't wear it much longer.
OK a bag of HOT red hots for you.... ( those are candies in case you didn't know )