Jokes Thread [3]

[Joan Archer]

I have a little SatNav
It sits there in my car
A SatNav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little SatNav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My SatNav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
and - keeps me warm in bed!

(author unknown)

 

[BlackSparrow]

Nice one Joan Archer! Lemme find that Robin Williams joke... found it!

 

[Trucidation]

"I'm the good kind of bill!"

 

[pebbly]

The Traffic Warden's Funeral.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice from inside the coffin screamed “Im not dead, Im not dead, Let me out !”


The vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, “ Too effing late pal, the paperwork's already done"

 

[seavixen32]

That's dead good Pebbly!

 

[seavixen32]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Monaghan's flat in Dublin when Sean O'Toole loses all his money on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'OK, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.

Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants.

Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost all his money and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.'

'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao:

 

[Hopalong X]

 

[BlackSparrow]

:roflmao:

 

[A Guy]

Facebook is like prison

You sit around staring at walls, killing time. And getting hugs from people you don't know.

A Guy

 

[Dinesh]

Facebook is like prison

You sit around staring at walls, killing time. And getting hugs from people you don't know.

A Guy

 

[BlackSparrow]

Facebook is like prison

You sit around staring at walls, killing time. And getting hugs from people you don't know.

A Guy

Agreed!

 

[Hopalong X]

Facebook is like prison

You sit around staring at walls, killing time. And getting hugs from people you don't know.

A Guy

... and other unwanted attention. :shock:

 

[Hopalong X]

True or not this is funny.

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

 

[seavixen32]

As an ex-Fleet Air Arm aircraft maintainer I can identify with every entry in your list.

How about these gems:

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 

[BlackSparrow]

The manly sport of golf where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. Where even the blind gay men will go 'OH DEAR CHRIST! Those are allowed this isn't carnival what the **** are you on?' Even the alligators are going A-hole

 

[pebbly]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao:Are you sitting on the naughty step Kathryn.

 

[Hopalong X]

Joan

Anywhere Kathryn sits is the naughty step. She is a permanent resident with Dennis.
:roflmao:

 

[Joan Archer]

I know but I thought I'd just check. :roflmao: