Jokes Thread [3]

[jdXp610]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY WELSH GIRL!!

He still has some difficulty when he urinates..

LOL Joan perhaps he should away from the ocean

 

[DocBrown]

I'm driving down the highway when a radio station asks the caller
" what do 1/3 of all males do while driving"?



Her answer is
Pick there Nose




Right You are says the Radio Announcer
You win $25




I was so MAD $%^&^%



I just flipped my booger out the window , well a little on the window too!!!




And changed the damn station



my finger was a bit slimy slippery butt I did move on to a better state of mindlessness

 

[jdXp610]

A Tale of Two Prawns

I found this years ago when I was still wondering why my Tandy would not connect to the internet ....



Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and beholdJustin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close tothem. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force would change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strike twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punchline does not involve prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again". Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked".

Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me.

I've changed...








... I'm a prawn again Christian!!!"

 

[Layback Bear]

That is sure a long way to get there.

... I'm a prawn again Christian!!!"

 

[Layback Bear]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY WELSH GIRL!!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... the first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed a...nd put away. ...
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from WALES. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal........
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates..

American Indian girl + Jack Danniels = Welsh girl.
It was my right eye and leg.

 

[Kari]

He still has some difficulty when he urinates..

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[kbronski]

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR
REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my end, pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and
self-respect.

I almost lost my vision from how hard I was laughing... I barely finished it!

 

[kbronski]

Or, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt" Voltaire, I think.

Solomon, actually, wins the first written record of this concept. I think.

 

[Britton30]

Or, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt" Voltaire, I think.

Solomon, actually, wins the first written record of this concept. I think.

I was soundly corrected in the post after that.
Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt |

 

[kbronski]

I was soundly corrected in the post after that.
Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt |

I saw that webpage too. Still, 965-925 BC...

 

[jdXp610]

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen

OM* thank goodness it's at least another 6 months until the next snow fall giving me time to forget, because the next time I see a snowman, they are going to wonder who the lunatic is :roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

This came today from one of my Jewish friends in Canada

" Problem Solved "

The nice Jewish mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious, and packing his suitcase

What happened?? She asks.

Eli screamed, "What happened? I'll tell you what happened!

I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today.


I got home and guess what I found?


My wife, yes my Rachel, your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed!


This is the end of our marriage. I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There's something odd about this story.


Rachel would never do such a thing!


Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.


"You see, I said that there must be a simple explanation.


Rachel never received your email"!

*********************************

LOL..... now they have another problem !!!!!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A CROWDED LIBRARY

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl sitting alone at a table, 'Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied in a very loud voice, 'I don't want to spend the night with
you!'
All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was truly
embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said
with a laugh, 'I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess
you felt embarrassed, right?'
The guy then responded with a loud voice, '$500 for one night? ... That's too
much!'

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear, 'I study law, and I know how to screw people!'

 

[A Guy]

A CROWDED LIBRARY

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

I honestly don't remember being in that library!

A Guy

 

[BlackSparrow]

A CROWDED LIBRARY

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

I honestly don't remember being in that library!

A Guy

Maybe because it's been ages for you actually being in that library?

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A CROWDED LIBRARY

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

I honestly don't remember being in that library!

A Guy

Bill.. go take a quick nap... maybe things will clear up for ya....lol

 

[Britton30]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 

[BlackSparrow]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Ouch xD

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt,

tsunamis to devastate,

hurricanes to swirl around

& no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

 

[BlackSparrow]

xD Nice one LPt :roflmao: