Jokes Thread [3]

[Phone Man]

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop,
feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of
weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that
live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get
fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.


We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is
like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They
don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys
at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real
easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6"
and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

[Layback Bear]

Phone Man that is great. I will send that to a friend.

 

[BlackSparrow]

:roflmao: nice one Phone Man! xD

 

[A Guy]

The seven kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But, not enough to enjoy yourself.

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Indian Bank Robber

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=646039295421798

 

[derekimo]

Indian Bank Robber

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=646039295421798

Here you go LPt,

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Derek hi .....thanks for making me look lovely..hugs

 

[derekimo]

Derek hi .....thanks for making me look lovely..hugs

That didn't last long, they took the video I posted down.

Your link still works though.

 

[A Guy]

His official channel



A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Irish Mirror (I hope this brightens up your day)​

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.



In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'



He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his
wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing,
he would go there and look at it.



His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

'So that's the ugly b***h he's running around with.'

 

[BlackSparrow]

Irish Mirror (I hope this brightens up your day)​

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.



In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'



He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his
wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing,
he would go there and look at it.



His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

'So that's the ugly b***h he's running around with.'

:roflmao:

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Irish Mirror (I hope this brightens up your day)​

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.



In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'



He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his
wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing,
he would go there and look at it.



His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

'So that's the ugly b***h he's running around with.'

:roflmao:

Being part Irish, I represent that joke!

 

[Kari]

Good one, My Lady!

 

[Britton30]

Men Are Just Happier People​

​

NICKNAMES​

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.​

EATING OUT​

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.​

MONEY​

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.​

BATHROOMS​

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.​

ARGUMENTS​

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.​

FUTURE​

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.​

MARRIAGE​

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.​

DRESSING UP​

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.​

NATURAL​

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.​

OFFSPRING​

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.​

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY​

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!​

 

[Layback Bear]

Old Submarine Sailor

This courtesy of a real-life old Submarine Sailor:An old Submarine Sailor walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a drink. As he did so, a young woman entered and sat down next to him. She turned to the Submariner, saw his dolphins and asked, "Are you a real Submarine Sailor?"He said, "Well, my father, two brothers and a third cousin were on boats. I've spent my whole life riding boats. Snorkeling, deep dives, diesel boats, nuclear power, Med runs, Northern runs, FBM patrols, Arctic runs, SPECOPS, WESTPACs, runs to the Caribbean, Halifax, Faslane, Holy Loch, Rota, Guam, been on the Blue Crew, the Gold Crew, the other crew, done 90-day patrols, six-month deployments, two-a-days, been through the Ditch, across the Equator, under the ice, and up to the Pole, been to Pearl, Yokosuka, Guam, La Madd, Fort Lauderdale, San Juan, tracked Russkies, dodged P-3s, been depth-charged, torpedoed, tracked with active sonar, detected by SOSUS, I've built them, decommissioned them, overhauled them, re-commissioned them, I'm a Blue Nose and a Shellback, I've blown from test depth, gone Emergency Deep, rode Tridents, 688s, 637s, 594s, Skipjack and Franklin class, done drug runs, liquor runs, crazy Ivans, been in trail, used a Steinke hood, been through the tower, dodged Russian air power, fought flooding, fires, reactor scrams, stood watch on the BCP, SCP, EPCP, GDU and TDU. I got dolphins, a combat patrol pin, deterrent patrol pin and a DBF pin tattooed on my chest, got THRESHER on my left arm, SCORPION on the right, missiles on my back, and twin counter-rotating screws on my ass. I've drunk beer at the Horse and Cow, Scotch in Dunoon, wine in Naples, puked at Beamans, ate chili at SUBVETS and I ain't missed a SUBBALL since 1952, so yes: I guess I am a Submarine Sailor."The young woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women."The two sat sipping their drinks in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old Submariner, looked at his dolphins and asked, "Are you a real Submarine Sailor?"He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Old Submarine Sailor | The World is All That is the Case | Lawrence.com

Posted by Layback Bear RM3-SS

 

[The Howling Wolves]

I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) LOOK FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON,
EVERY YEAR. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........

Coincidence? Just wondering...................


Alabama beat Arkansas,
and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee,
and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn,
and Auburn fired their coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......


I wish the White House had a team!

 

[Layback Bear]

I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) LOOK FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON,
EVERY YEAR. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........

Coincidence? Just wondering...................


Alabama beat Arkansas,
and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee,
and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn,
and Auburn fired their coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......


I wish the White House had a team!

 

[aritra2116]

Chuck Norris and a man had a competition on who could spit further. The man spitted and it went quite far... Chuck Norris spitted and the next day, TV NEWS : WATER FOUND ON MARS!

There was a marathon which comprised of Chuck Norris, Light and Usain Bolt.
When the race finished, Einstein died immediately after. Ask why? Because light came second.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Blonde Pilot..


This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."




She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....


"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

 

[BlackSparrow]

Chuck Norris and a man had a competition on who could spit further. The man spitted and it went quite far... Chuck Norris spitted and the next day, TV NEWS : WATER FOUND ON MARS!

There was a marathon which comprised of Chuck Norris, Light and Usain Bolt.
When the race finished, Einstein died immediately after. Ask why? Because light came second.

xD Good old Chuck Norris jokes! Here's one for yah:

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants!