Jokes Thread [3]

[Layback Bear]

I have no idea how that happened. I shall change it.
---------------

Only a Farm Kid"...

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can
give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig,
but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[pebbly]

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.


All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers,



"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

[Layback Bear]

The Canadian is one of the good old boys now, for sure.

 

[jdXp610]

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.


All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers,



"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

The Canadian is one of the good old boys now, for sure.

EH!

 

[A Guy]

Hosers...

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Ol' Blue



A young cowboy from Regina goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Waterloo
that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see
him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading Shakespeare, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little blonde who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Ottawa as a senator.

 

[Layback Bear]

That's a great joke Lady. I sent it to my two friends that have email addresses.

 

[A Guy]

Good one M'Lady

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Some I can't share.. so when I can I love for you to see those too.
Thanks guys.

 

[Layback Bear]

John and Billy were coming back to Johns house from a fishing trip from the close by pond.
Billy notice the dog and the cat on the front porch were licking them selfs in that special place.
Billy said he wish he could do that.
John ask Billy if he remember a couple of week back when his face was all scratched up.
Yes I do and it looked bad.
Well Billy if you pet the dog you will have no problems but if you try it on the cat your face will look like mine did.

 

[Phone Man]

I was visiting my nephew last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you may borrow my iPad."

I can tell you this: That darn fly never knew what hit him.

 

[jdXp610]

John and Billy were coming back to Johns house from a fishing trip from the close by pond.
Billy notice the dog and the cat on the front porch were licking them selfs in that special place.
Billy said he wish he could do that.
John ask Billy if he remember a couple of week back when his face was all scratched up.
Yes I do and it looked bad.
Well Billy if you pet the dog you will have no problems but if you try it on the cat your face will look like mine did.

:shock:

I was visiting my nephew last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you may borrow my iPad."

I can tell you this: That darn fly never knew what hit him.

:roflmao:

 

[Phone Man]

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?


















Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn 't discovered yet. [ You 're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

 

[Kari]

Got 11 out of 11, what's the price?

 

[jdXp610]

My answers before reading the answers lol.

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child 's name? Don’t know

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?
Meat?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world?
Mt. Everest
4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
none
5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.....How is this possible?
Southern Hemisphere
7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?
Wooden legs are not usually cameras
8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?
Barak Obama
9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
3rd? oops
10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
neither
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Don’t know man oh man

 

[gladson1976]

Got 11 out of 11, what's the price?

Do you pay him, or does he pay you ???

 

[Phone Man]

Marriage is sharing everything

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?

She answered

THE TEETH!

 

[Britton30]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year
in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


NOT CONFIRMED BY SNOPES.

 

[jdXp610]

A comedian who was tired of the rat race decided to enter a monastery.

All the monks were in seclusion except for the morning meal and the evening.

The only words spoken were when the Father Abbot would chant:

Good Morning/Evening monks"

and the monks would chant back:

Good Morning/Evening.

After twenty two years the comedian finally got tired of this and at breakfast one day when
Father Abbot chanted:

Good Morning monks.

All the monks except for the comedian chanted "Good Morning" while the comedian chanted "Good Evening"

At this the Father Abbot stood up and chanted:

.

.

wait for it .....

.

.

"Some monk chanted evening" :shock:


and for the young uns who don't know what I am talking about

 

[Layback Bear]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year
in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


NOT CONFIRMED BY SNOPES.

By 2060 Boxer shorts are no longer legal.
They give to much freedom.