Jokes Thread [3]

[COMPUTIAC]

Dog Gone Secret
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"[/FONT]

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Neigh!

 

[Borg 386]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

 

[ICIT2LOL]

Blond goes to the hairdressers to have her hair cut.

She sits down and the hairdresser asks, “How would you like it?”

The blond replies, “Oh as usual”

The hairdresser then notices that she is wearing headphones and says, “ Madam you will have to take the headphones off while I cut your hair”

The blond retorts, “Oh no I can’t take them I HAVE to have them on at all times!”

The hairdresser carries on and is doing her best when she accidentally knocks the headphones off.

The blond falls out of the chair and onto the floor.

So being very curious the hairdresser picked up the headphones to se what was so important that the blond could not take them off.

She puts on the headphones and listens and hears “Breath in – breath out – breath in – breath out – breath in -----“

 

[thudpucker]

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant
who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the
shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the
raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to
reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is
provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had
better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of
bread,
one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own
loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and
begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and
glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing
amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she
yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

 

[thudpucker]

Happy Thanksgiving!

[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome![/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Getting old is so much fun... !!![/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Remember: [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Don't make old People mad. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Just remember.........[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]We don't like being old in the first place, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]so it doesn't take much to piss us off.[/FONT]

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

..... Ok.. I just laughed out LOUD and cried, I laughed so hard...
YOU made my day.

 

[Layback Bear]

Happy Thanksgiving!

[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome![/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Getting old is so much fun... !!![/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Remember: [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Don't make old People mad. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Just remember.........[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]We don't like being old in the first place, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]so it doesn't take much to piss us off.[/FONT]

In West Virginia they would of just ask to see your hunting licenses and then wrap the turkey up for you.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Breaking news in Southern California...

Woman Shot in her own Driveway !
Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

 

[jadinolf]

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant
who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the
shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the
raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to
reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is
provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had
better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of
bread,
one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own
loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and
begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and
glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing
amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she
yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[COMPUTIAC]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Newlywed Cook[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, honey?" she asked when he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer, but on the whole, it was a good start!" [/FONT]

 

[pebbly]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


Paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


Paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'

Hey, being part Irish, I represent that!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Being Irish Catholic I resemble that statement!
THW

 

[BugMeister]

Q: What have a pig's tail and six o'clock in the morning got in common?
A: They're both twirly..

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Optimist vs. Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin..

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

[Britton30]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old
grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan


After spending a great evening chatting the night
away, the next morning John's grandfather
prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his
plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal,
Sonny!

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.


Again, John was concerned about the
plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks
around the edge that looked like dried egg
and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are
as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't
you fret, I don't want to hear another word about
it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a
nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's
dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't
let me get to my car'.


Without diverting his attention from the football
game he was watching on TV, the old man
shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'


Meet Coldwater !

 

[jadinolf]

Coldwater is a good boy!

 

[Layback Bear]

The old man is still alive and well so Coldwater does work well.

 

[ICIT2LOL]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


Paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'

Well being totally English and a pantheist I thought VERY funny I mean the Irish - you gotta love them are some of the funniest folks on the planet LOL!!