Jokes Thread [3]

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Dog Gone Secret
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[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"[/FONT]
 

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Lenovo Z710 #59400485
OS
Windows 8.1.1 64bit
CPU
i7-4700MQ
Memory
8.0GB PC3-12800 DDR3L SDRAM 1600 MHz
Graphics Card(s)
Intel® HD Graphics 4600
Sound Card
on-board
Monitor(s) Displays
17.3"
Screen Resolution
1920x1080
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1TB 5400 RPM;(OS,programs)



Hitachi, 1Tb external,(B'up)
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4 Cell 41 Watt Hour Lithium-Ion
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Lenovo
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Air in, Air out.
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Logitech - Y-UY95 - Illuminated
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M$ - Arc Touch
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59 Mb down / 25 Mb up
Antivirus
Defender
Browser
Firefox (newest)
Other Info
MBAM Pro, SAS Pro, Revo Pro.

Ext. HP 2311 Monitor
Neigh!
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Custom Build
OS
Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
CPU
Intel i7-3930K
Motherboard
ASUS P9X79 WS
Memory
Kingston HyperX Genesis 32GB Kit (8x4GB Modules) 1600MHz DDR
Graphics Card(s)
MSI R7850 Twin Frozr 2GD5/OC Radeon HD 7850 2GB 256-bit GDDR
Sound Card
Asus Xonar Essence STX
Monitor(s) Displays
3x Asus VG248QE 24", Vizio 32" TV
Screen Resolution
1920 x 1080, ?
Hard Drives
Samsung 128GB 840 Pro SSD (1),
Samsung 4TB 850 EVO SSDs (4)
Samsung 4TB 850 EVO SSDs (16) external backup drives used in 2.5" hot swap bays in the computer.
PSU
Corsair HX750w
Case
Antec Two Hundred v2 (modified)
Cooling
Cooler Master GeminII S524 120mm (fan replaced with a 140mm)
Keyboard
Logitech G510s
Mouse
Logitech M525 (two in use)
Internet Speed
=< 32Mbps down, 8Mbps up
Antivirus
AVAST!, MBAM, SAS, Spybot S&D (all but MBAM free) Glary Util
Browser
IE11
Other Info
LSI 9211-8i HBA card (8 SATA III ports), 2.5" & 3.5" Hot Swap Bays, HooToo HT-CR001 PCI-E to USB 3.0 Internal Hub + 6 Slot Card Reader, and LG Model CH12LS28 BD-ROM Optical Drive. Also, ScanSnap S1500 ADF duplexing scanner, Canon 9000F flat bed scanner, Corsair SP2500 2.1 speakers, Samsung CLP 415nw laser color printer, Cyberpower PP2200SW UPS
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dell Hell oh Well
OS
Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
CPU
Intel Core 2 Duo 2.93GHz
Memory
Not much with my ADHD
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Radeon HD 4350
Monitor(s) Displays
24" HDTV/Monitor
Screen Resolution
Blurry after a Scotch or 2
Hard Drives
1 HDD 250 GB, 1 HDD 1 TB, 3 - 1 TB Externals
Case
Don't get on my case...man :D
Cooling
I have an Air Conditioner & Diet Pepsi
Keyboard
Saitek Cyborg
Mouse
10 yr old MS optical mouse that still works
Internet Speed
Never fast enough
Antivirus
Various
Browser
Various

Blond goes to the hairdressers to have her hair cut.

She sits down and the hairdresser asks, “How would you like it?”

The blond replies, “Oh as usual”

The hairdresser then notices that she is wearing headphones and says, “ Madam you will have to take the headphones off while I cut your hair”

The blond retorts, “Oh no I can’t take them I HAVE to have them on at all times!”

The hairdresser carries on and is doing her best when she accidentally knocks the headphones off.

The blond falls out of the chair and onto the floor.

So being very curious the hairdresser picked up the headphones to se what was so important that the blond could not take them off.

She puts on the headphones and listens and hears “Breath in – breath out – breath in – breath out – breath in -----“


 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Own build (new) Desk1 / Asus ROG Win 7 / Desk2 1st build
OS
Desk1 7 Home Prem / Desk2 10 Pro / Main lap Asus ROG 10 Pro 2 laptop Toshiba 7 Pro Asus P2520 7 & 10
CPU
Desk1 i5 3750K / Laptop i7 GTX 860M / Desk2 i5 2500
Motherboard
Desk1 Asus P877-V / Desk2 Gigabyte H67 UD3H / Laptop ?
Memory
Desk1 8GB (1866) / Desk2 16GB (1333) / Laptop 8Gb DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
Desk 1& 2NVidia GTX 650 & Laptops on board Intel
Sound Card
Desk 1 & 2 -XONAR DG Realtek High Def audio Laptop
Monitor(s) Displays
Desk 1 Benq HD 2450 / Desk2 Philips 24" / Laptop 17.5"
Screen Resolution
1920x1080 D1 & D2 & Laptop 1
Hard Drives
Desk1 Samsung 120GB 830 SSD
Asus ROG 256GB 850 Pro SSD
Desk2 Samsung 840 256 SSD
Toshiba 120GB EVO
PSU
Desk 1 Corsair HX 1050/ Laptop ? / Desk 2 Corsair HX 650
Case
Desk 1 Cooler HAF XM ? Toshiba laptop / Desk2 Coolermaster
Cooling
Fans on all Desk1 -2 Desk2 - all Coolermasters 5 Laptop ?
Keyboard
Desk 1 MS Sidewinder X6 Desk 2 MS Sidewinder X 4
Mouse
Desk 1&2 - Gigabyte MS 900 gamer - laptop - Logitec wireless
Internet Speed
ADSL2+
Other Info
One other Desktop (tester) and spare Toshba laptop both with SSD's
Running Kaspersky 2016 ISS on all machines config'd identically
Logitec audio stereo systems on each machine (x3)
Canon MG5250MFC
Router/modem TP-Link running WPA2SK
Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant
who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the
shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the
raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to
reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is
provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had
better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of
bread,
one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own
loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and
begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and
glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing
amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she
yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dell, inspiron one
OS
W-7 Home premium
Happy Thanksgiving!
[FONT=&quot]
0
[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome![/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Getting old is so much fun... !!![/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Remember: [/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Don't make old People mad. [/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Just remember.........[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]We don't like being old in the first place, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]so it doesn't take much to piss us off.[/FONT]
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dell, inspiron one
OS
W-7 Home premium
..... Ok.. I just laughed out LOUD and cried, I laughed so hard...
YOU made my day.
FallLPt.gif
 

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Gateway 17.3" LCD Intel Dual-Core, 8GB RAM 1TB HDD Windows 8 Laptop
OS
Windows 8 - 64-bit
CPU
2.2GHz Intel Pentium dual-core B960 processor with 2MB L3 ca
Memory
8GB DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
Intel HD Graphics with 128MB of dedicated system memory
Monitor(s) Displays
17.3" Ultrabright HD widescreen LED-backlit LCD
Screen Resolution
1280 X 1024
Hard Drives
1TB hard drive-1000 GB HDD
DVD-Super Multi DL drive
PSU
Intel B960 processor
Case
XXXXX
Cooling
XXXXX
Keyboard
Multi Gesture Touchpad
Mouse
USB - portable mouse... I added this
Antivirus
Avast
Browser
I E 10
Other Info
I see nothing about Motherboard info.
I'm not sure about Sound Card
Ports :(3) USB 2.0, (1) HDMI, (1) VGA, (1) Headphone out, (1) Microphone in, (1) Ethernet LAN

•Fast Wi-Fi wireless and wired Gigabit Ethernet networking
•HDMI output
•Kensington lock slot
I have no idea what all this actually means
Happy Thanksgiving!
[FONT=&quot]
0
[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome![/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Getting old is so much fun... !!![/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Remember: [/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Don't make old People mad. [/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]Just remember.........[/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]We don't like being old in the first place, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]so it doesn't take much to piss us off.[/FONT]

In West Virginia they would of just ask to see your hunting licenses and then wrap the turkey up for you.
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home made Desktop
OS
Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
CPU
Intel i7-6800K @ 4.3
Motherboard
ASUS X-99 Deluxe II
Memory
Corsair Platinum 16 gig @2400
Graphics Card(s)
EVGA GTX 1070 OC
Monitor(s) Displays
Asus 27" LED LCD/VE278Q
Screen Resolution
1920-1080 or 1280-720 HDMI
Hard Drives
INTEL SSD 730-240 Gb Sata 3.0/
PSU
EVGA Platium 1200W
Case
Phanteks Luxe Tempered Glass 8 fans/ one radiator
Cooling
XSPC/ Water Cooled CPU
Keyboard
Das 4 Professional
Mouse
Logitech M705/MX Anywhere 2-S
Internet Speed
100 mbits
Antivirus
Microsoft Security Essentials/ Malwarebytes Premium 3.0/ SAS
Browser
I.E. 11 default/Firefox/ ISP Time Warner Cable/Spectrum
Other Info
LG BluRay Burner/
Sound system-KLipsch-THX/
Icy Dock ssd Hot Swap bays.
Breaking news in Southern California...

Woman Shot in her own Driveway !
Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP M9077c
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
Intel(R)Core(TM)2 quad [email protected] 2.39GHz
Motherboard
ASUSeK
Memory
6GB DDR2 6400
Graphics Card(s)
GeForce 8500/512MB
Sound Card
Realtek High Def Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
HP w2408 LCD 24" widescreen
Screen Resolution
1920x1200
Cooling
6 pack of Bud
Keyboard
MS wireless Inteli
Mouse
MS wireless Inteli
Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant
who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the
shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the
raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to
reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is
provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had
better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of
bread,
one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own
loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and
begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and
glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing
amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she
yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
:roflmao::roflmao:
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home Built
OS
Windows `10 Professional 64bit
CPU
Intel i5 [email protected]
Motherboard
MSI P67A-GD55 (MS7681)
Memory
Corsair Vengeance DDR3 1600 16G
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce GT520 1GHz
Sound Card
Realtek High Definition Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
Haans G 241
Screen Resolution
1600X1024
Hard Drives
Crucial MX100 256GB SSD
PSU
OCZ ModXStream Modular High Performance 500 Watt
Case
Rosewill Challenger-U3
Cooling
Just Fans
Keyboard
Kensington K64338B
Mouse
Microsoft wheel mouse 1.1A
Internet Speed
240.0 Mbps
Antivirus
ESET Internet Security
Browser
Firefox
Other Info
SuperAntiSpyware-Pro
Malwarebytes (Premium)
Kerish Doctor
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Newlywed Cook[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, honey?" she asked when he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer, but on the whole, it was a good start!"
[/FONT]
 

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Lenovo Z710 #59400485
OS
Windows 8.1.1 64bit
CPU
i7-4700MQ
Memory
8.0GB PC3-12800 DDR3L SDRAM 1600 MHz
Graphics Card(s)
Intel® HD Graphics 4600
Sound Card
on-board
Monitor(s) Displays
17.3"
Screen Resolution
1920x1080
Hard Drives
1TB 5400 RPM;(OS,programs)



Hitachi, 1Tb external,(B'up)
PSU
4 Cell 41 Watt Hour Lithium-Ion
Case
Lenovo
Cooling
Air in, Air out.
Keyboard
Logitech - Y-UY95 - Illuminated
Mouse
M$ - Arc Touch
Internet Speed
59 Mb down / 25 Mb up
Antivirus
Defender
Browser
Firefox (newest)
Other Info
MBAM Pro, SAS Pro, Revo Pro.

Ext. HP 2311 Monitor
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


Paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
self build
OS
win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
CPU
amd phenom x4 9600
Motherboard
asus m2n32-sli deluxe
Memory
corsair twinxs 2x2gb
Graphics Card(s)
2x nvidia 1gb 8500gt
Sound Card
onboard
Monitor(s) Displays
23" PB Viseo 233d
Screen Resolution
1920x1080
Hard Drives
maxtor sata 500gb
maxtor sata 320gb
fujitsu sata200gb
PSU
oryxx tornado 750w
Case
thermaltake xaser lll
Cooling
artic freezer64 pro + 7 case fans
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


Paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'

Hey, being part Irish, I represent that! ;)
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Custom Build
OS
Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
CPU
Intel i7-3930K
Motherboard
ASUS P9X79 WS
Memory
Kingston HyperX Genesis 32GB Kit (8x4GB Modules) 1600MHz DDR
Graphics Card(s)
MSI R7850 Twin Frozr 2GD5/OC Radeon HD 7850 2GB 256-bit GDDR
Sound Card
Asus Xonar Essence STX
Monitor(s) Displays
3x Asus VG248QE 24", Vizio 32" TV
Screen Resolution
1920 x 1080, ?
Hard Drives
Samsung 128GB 840 Pro SSD (1),
Samsung 4TB 850 EVO SSDs (4)
Samsung 4TB 850 EVO SSDs (16) external backup drives used in 2.5" hot swap bays in the computer.
PSU
Corsair HX750w
Case
Antec Two Hundred v2 (modified)
Cooling
Cooler Master GeminII S524 120mm (fan replaced with a 140mm)
Keyboard
Logitech G510s
Mouse
Logitech M525 (two in use)
Internet Speed
=< 32Mbps down, 8Mbps up
Antivirus
AVAST!, MBAM, SAS, Spybot S&D (all but MBAM free) Glary Util
Browser
IE11
Other Info
LSI 9211-8i HBA card (8 SATA III ports), 2.5" & 3.5" Hot Swap Bays, HooToo HT-CR001 PCI-E to USB 3.0 Internal Hub + 6 Slot Card Reader, and LG Model CH12LS28 BD-ROM Optical Drive. Also, ScanSnap S1500 ADF duplexing scanner, Canon 9000F flat bed scanner, Corsair SP2500 2.1 speakers, Samsung CLP 415nw laser color printer, Cyberpower PP2200SW UPS
Being Irish Catholic I resemble that statement!
THW
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP M9077c
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
Intel(R)Core(TM)2 quad [email protected] 2.39GHz
Motherboard
ASUSeK
Memory
6GB DDR2 6400
Graphics Card(s)
GeForce 8500/512MB
Sound Card
Realtek High Def Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
HP w2408 LCD 24" widescreen
Screen Resolution
1920x1200
Cooling
6 pack of Bud
Keyboard
MS wireless Inteli
Mouse
MS wireless Inteli
Q: What have a pig's tail and six o'clock in the morning got in common?
A: They're both twirly..

:D
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
benchtec, built to personal specs
OS
Windows10 Pro - 64Bit vs.10547
CPU
i7-965 Extreme Edition (8 Cores) at 3.3GHz (no OC)
Motherboard
BloodRageX58 (Socket1366)
Memory
12G Corsair Dominator DDR3 - tripled
Graphics Card(s)
2xAMD SapphireNITRO R9 380(4G) crossfire
Sound Card
Sonar(SB)X-Fi onboard
Monitor(s) Displays
SyncMaster P2050 20"
Screen Resolution
1600x900 (widescreen)
Hard Drives
480G\OCZSolid3SSD, 64G\OCZVertex3SSD,60G\OCZVertex2SSD, 1TB\spinpointF1SATAHDD
PSU
1200w Power Station Gold
Case
ANTEC 900/2 all blue lights, etc..
Cooling
Noctua SE1366 NH-U12P - a tight fit, but a monster cooler!!
Keyboard
Logitech G19 (wired)
Mouse
Logitech G9 Laser (wired)
Internet Speed
150mb unlimited
Browser
IE11(RP)
Other Info
Xbox One, Nokia735 Windows10 mobile, LG HD/DVD/Blu-Ray r/w, CyberlinkPowerDVD15, LogitechZ5500-SS(5.1), LogitechG35Phones-SS(7.1),MSOffice 2007,CorelDrawX7,Painter2016, Wacom Intuos Pro-SE
Optimist vs. Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin..

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
 

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Lenovo Z710 #59400485
OS
Windows 8.1.1 64bit
CPU
i7-4700MQ
Memory
8.0GB PC3-12800 DDR3L SDRAM 1600 MHz
Graphics Card(s)
Intel® HD Graphics 4600
Sound Card
on-board
Monitor(s) Displays
17.3"
Screen Resolution
1920x1080
Hard Drives
1TB 5400 RPM;(OS,programs)



Hitachi, 1Tb external,(B'up)
PSU
4 Cell 41 Watt Hour Lithium-Ion
Case
Lenovo
Cooling
Air in, Air out.
Keyboard
Logitech - Y-UY95 - Illuminated
Mouse
M$ - Arc Touch
Internet Speed
59 Mb down / 25 Mb up
Antivirus
Defender
Browser
Firefox (newest)
Other Info
MBAM Pro, SAS Pro, Revo Pro.

Ext. HP 2311 Monitor
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old
grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan


After spending a great evening chatting the night
away, the next morning John's grandfather
prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his
plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal,
Sonny!

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.


Again, John was concerned about the
plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks
around the edge that looked like dried egg
and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are
as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't
you fret, I don't want to hear another word about
it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a
nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's
dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't
let me get to my car'.


Without diverting his attention from the football
game he was watching on TV, the old man
shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'


Meet Coldwater !










coldwater.jpg
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home Built Desktop By DataTech
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
CPU
Intel i5-2550K, Differing ~4.4-4.8GHz No built in GPU
Motherboard
ASUS P8Z68-V PRO/GEN3
Memory
16GB G.Skill Sniper 1866MHz @ 2133MHz 2x8GB
Graphics Card(s)
ASUS GTX650TIB-DC2OC-2GD5, (650TI Boost)
Sound Card
Onboard Realtek 5-1
Monitor(s) Displays
Samsung P2570HD
Screen Resolution
1920x1080
Hard Drives
Samsung 840 Pro 256GB SSD for OS, 500GB Seagate Constellation (Enterprise drive) for Data
PSU
Corsair HX650W
Case
Inwin Dragon Rider
Cooling
Hyper 212 EVO w/two Noctua fans, push-pull, @1300 RPM
Keyboard
E-Z Eyes, bright yellow keys with large characters
Mouse
steelseries SENSEI Laser Pro Gaming
Internet Speed
48-51Mbs Mbs down, 11 Mbs up Xfinity Cable
Antivirus
Norton Internet Security 2013
Browser
IE 10, Opera, Pale Moon if needed
Other Info
4 case fans, LG BluRay-RE, ASUS DVD-RW, Mr. Fusion power supply, 1.21 gigawatts.
Coldwater is a good boy!
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home Built
OS
Windows `10 Professional 64bit
CPU
Intel i5 [email protected]
Motherboard
MSI P67A-GD55 (MS7681)
Memory
Corsair Vengeance DDR3 1600 16G
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce GT520 1GHz
Sound Card
Realtek High Definition Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
Haans G 241
Screen Resolution
1600X1024
Hard Drives
Crucial MX100 256GB SSD
PSU
OCZ ModXStream Modular High Performance 500 Watt
Case
Rosewill Challenger-U3
Cooling
Just Fans
Keyboard
Kensington K64338B
Mouse
Microsoft wheel mouse 1.1A
Internet Speed
240.0 Mbps
Antivirus
ESET Internet Security
Browser
Firefox
Other Info
SuperAntiSpyware-Pro
Malwarebytes (Premium)
Kerish Doctor
The old man is still alive and well so Coldwater does work well.
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home made Desktop
OS
Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
CPU
Intel i7-6800K @ 4.3
Motherboard
ASUS X-99 Deluxe II
Memory
Corsair Platinum 16 gig @2400
Graphics Card(s)
EVGA GTX 1070 OC
Monitor(s) Displays
Asus 27" LED LCD/VE278Q
Screen Resolution
1920-1080 or 1280-720 HDMI
Hard Drives
INTEL SSD 730-240 Gb Sata 3.0/
PSU
EVGA Platium 1200W
Case
Phanteks Luxe Tempered Glass 8 fans/ one radiator
Cooling
XSPC/ Water Cooled CPU
Keyboard
Das 4 Professional
Mouse
Logitech M705/MX Anywhere 2-S
Internet Speed
100 mbits
Antivirus
Microsoft Security Essentials/ Malwarebytes Premium 3.0/ SAS
Browser
I.E. 11 default/Firefox/ ISP Time Warner Cable/Spectrum
Other Info
LG BluRay Burner/
Sound system-KLipsch-THX/
Icy Dock ssd Hot Swap bays.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


Paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'
Well being totally English and a pantheist I thought VERY funny I mean the Irish - you gotta love them are some of the funniest folks on the planet LOL!!
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Own build (new) Desk1 / Asus ROG Win 7 / Desk2 1st build
OS
Desk1 7 Home Prem / Desk2 10 Pro / Main lap Asus ROG 10 Pro 2 laptop Toshiba 7 Pro Asus P2520 7 & 10
CPU
Desk1 i5 3750K / Laptop i7 GTX 860M / Desk2 i5 2500
Motherboard
Desk1 Asus P877-V / Desk2 Gigabyte H67 UD3H / Laptop ?
Memory
Desk1 8GB (1866) / Desk2 16GB (1333) / Laptop 8Gb DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
Desk 1& 2NVidia GTX 650 & Laptops on board Intel
Sound Card
Desk 1 & 2 -XONAR DG Realtek High Def audio Laptop
Monitor(s) Displays
Desk 1 Benq HD 2450 / Desk2 Philips 24" / Laptop 17.5"
Screen Resolution
1920x1080 D1 & D2 & Laptop 1
Hard Drives
Desk1 Samsung 120GB 830 SSD
Asus ROG 256GB 850 Pro SSD
Desk2 Samsung 840 256 SSD
Toshiba 120GB EVO
PSU
Desk 1 Corsair HX 1050/ Laptop ? / Desk 2 Corsair HX 650
Case
Desk 1 Cooler HAF XM ? Toshiba laptop / Desk2 Coolermaster
Cooling
Fans on all Desk1 -2 Desk2 - all Coolermasters 5 Laptop ?
Keyboard
Desk 1 MS Sidewinder X6 Desk 2 MS Sidewinder X 4
Mouse
Desk 1&2 - Gigabyte MS 900 gamer - laptop - Logitec wireless
Internet Speed
ADSL2+
Other Info
One other Desktop (tester) and spare Toshba laptop both with SSD's
Running Kaspersky 2016 ISS on all machines config'd identically
Logitec audio stereo systems on each machine (x3)
Canon MG5250MFC
Router/modem TP-Link running WPA2SK
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