Jokes Thread [4]

[Shimshom]

An old codger spends many frustrating hours building his computer and installing Windows when finally he gets to the point where he's asked to put in a password. In anger and frustration he writes Mydick, a message pops up informing him: Too short

 

[townsbg]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had
operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0
uninstalled many other "valuable" programs, such as romance 9.9, and
installed "undesirable" programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while
husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command
C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember,
overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such applications as Grumpy
Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly WAV files. DO NOT install
Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another boyfriend program. These are not
supported applications, and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also
potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2,
which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially
serious viruses into the Operating system.

In summary!

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and can't
learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional
software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food
3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old
standby... Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

 

[A Guy]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

“Where do you think you're going?” asked the man.

“I'm going to Las Vegas,” said the wife. “I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!”

The man said, “Wait a minute!” and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

“Where are you going?” asked the wife.

The man said, “I'm going with you. I want to see how you're going live on $800 a year!”

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Your joke is about right.......... $800.00 dollars a year ?, he sure was cheap...lol

 

[Phone Man]

A man comes home from work and his wife is packing his suitcase. He asks what is going on. She said I just won the Lottery for 4 Million dollars. He asks, where are we going. She said, I don't care where YOU go, just get out.

Jim

 

[Layback Bear]

The wife was questioning her husband why he cheater on her.
He replied that he just needed some strange stuff.
She replied, grow a little and you will find some strange stuff here at home.

 

[townsbg]

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned
out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the
California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never
knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business,
but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a
very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and
was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane
Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized
containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep
the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was
drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase*
'minding your 'P's and Q's'*.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Subject: Sad for the Christmas Season

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a live Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas Season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, in finding enough asses to fill the stable.

 

[A Guy]

Random Thoughts .….


Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet....

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree... that makes it a plant which means... chocolate is Salad!!!

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A Guy... I see you think like I've been thinking... I see no end to this GOOD Stuff...lol....
Happy New Year... my dear friend.

 

[A Guy]

Happy New Year to you M'Lady

A Guy

 

[DocBrown]

Irish Sawmill Accident

Now don’t blame me I only find them! Enjoy







PADDY AND MICK ARE IRISHMEN WORKING AT THE LOCAL SAWMILL.



ONE DAY, MICK SLIPS AND HIS ARM GETS CAUGHT AND SEVERED BY THE BIG BENCH SAW.

PADDY QUICKLY PUTS THE LIMB IN A PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES IT AND MICK TO THE LOCAL HOSPITAL .



NEXT DAY, PADDY GOES TO THE HOSPITAL AND ASKS AFTER MICK. THE NURSE SAYS, "OH HE'S OUT IN REHAB EXERCISING".



PADDY COULDN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT THERE'S MICK OUT THE BACK EXERCISING HIS NOW RE-ATTACHED ARM. THE VERY NEXT DAY HE'S BACK AT WORK IN THE SAW MILL.



A COUPLE OF DAYS GO BY, AND THEN MICK SLIPS AND SEVERS HIS LEG ON ANOTHER BLOODY BIG SAW.



SO PADDY PUTS THE LIMB IN A PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES IT AND MICK OFF TO HOSPITAL..



NEXT DAY HE CALLS IN TO SEE HIM AND ASKS THE NURSE HOW HE IS.

THE NURSE REPLIES, "HE'S OUT IN REHAB AGAIN EXERCISING".



AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE'S MICK OUT THERE DOING SOME SERIOUS WORK ON THE TREADMILL. AND VERY SOON MICK COMES BACK TO WORK.



BUT, AS USUAL, WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS HE HAS ANOTHER ACCIDENT AND SEVERS HIS HEAD.



WEARILY PADDY PUTS THE HEAD IN A PLASTIC BAG AND TRANSPORTS IT AND MICK TO HOSPITAL.



NEXT DAY HE GOES IN AND ASKS THE NURSE HOW MICK IS.

THE NURSE BREAKS DOWN AND CRIES AND SAYS, "HE'S DEAD."



PADDY IS SHOCKED, BUT NOT SURPRISED.

"I SUPPOSE THE SAW FINALLY DID HIM IN."



"NO" SAYS THE NURSE,



















"SOME IDIOT PUT HIS HEAD IN A PLASTIC BAG AND HE SUFFOCATED.

 

[Ranger4]

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Groan!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Jewish Joke

Rabbi and the KKK


The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, "Someone in
this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong
to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a
Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from
God and our Jewish community."

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to
face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you
will be forgiven and ! in your heart you will feel
relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body
that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head
was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I just told a couple of friends that you were a
wizard under the sheets."

:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

@ Doc...... Good one....:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Happy New Year to you M'Lady

A Guy

Thank you.... I hope your New Year is going great... hugs

 

[The Howling Wolves]

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'