Jokes Thread [4]

[Lady Fitzgerald]

One Sunday, Father Flannigan decided to feign illness, let one of the other priests conduct Mass, and sneak of to play a round of golf. St. Peter was and God were watching from Heaven. St. Peter asked God if He was going to let the priest get away with playing hooky without getting punished. God said not to worry, He had everything under control. Right after that, Father Flannigan hit a hole in one. St. Peter was aghast! "I thought you were going to punish him for playing golf when he should have been conducting Mass." God replied, "Who is he going to be able to tell about that shot?"

 

[A Guy]

Men are Deep Thinkers


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

A Guy

 

[Layback Bear]

Good deep thinking Bill. You are absolutely correct.

 

[essenbe]

That's just simple logic, Bill. That in itself makes it true.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Spanish Computer

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,

but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know...... And to all the men that have a sense of humor.

 

[rossfingal]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.....Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" " You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog. ​​ AND THAT FOLKS ​IN A NUTSHELL,​ IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ​ TODAY. Sorry about the "format"!

 

[rossfingal]

Bumper Stickers from A A R P. I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's - New Large Type Alphabet Soup. I must be getting older . . . All the names in my phone book end with M.D. I am not old. I am chronologically gifted. Florida . . . God's Waiting Room. At my age flowers scare me. I am so old that . . . whenever I eat out, they ask me for money up front. I am so old that . . . all my friends in heaven will think I didn't make it. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. One good thing about Alzheimers, you get to meet new people everyday. Support BINGO! Keep Grandma off the streets. Any day above ground is a good one. Retirement - Twice as much husband, half as much money. My wife always gives me sound advice. 99% Sound . . . 1% Advice

 

[BrightBlessings]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

...Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live...

The longer you live, the sooner you die.

 

[cyclops]

[FONT=&quot]A .View attachment 375670man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".

She loView attachment 375669oked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"Tha[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot]A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and cle[/FONT][FONT=&quot]ash and iron all day long?"


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."[/FONT]
t's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."[/FONT]

 

[cyclops]

I honestly think I might resemble the following analogy,
[FONT=&quot]Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


[/FONT]View attachment 375817

 

[cyclops]

Much like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it runs out.

...Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live...

The longer you live, the sooner you die.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

If you keep doing what you've always done
you will get back what you've always gotten!

 

[Layback Bear]

Wisdom is free, yet so many don't reach out for it.

 

[thelma]

 

[whs]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202763511232620

 

[BrightBlessings]

A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?"
His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me the Treasury.

Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People.

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.


Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now!"


The father says, "That's great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."


The little boy replies:
"Well, while the Treasury is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep
the People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[Layback Bear]

The young lad learns quickly.

 

[spencer1]