Jokes Thread

[derekimo]

10 Classic Cubicle Capers - Careers Articles

:roflmao:Those are great.

 

[CarlTR6]

10 Classic Cubicle Capers - Careers Articles

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Scotteq]

Social Security

A young South-East London girl went down to the Social Security office to get her family allowance.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten." she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne," she answered.

"They're all named Wayne?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'Wayne, come and eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their surname."

Follow on joke:


Definition of "Mass Confusion" in South London??






Father's Day :sarc:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Social Security

A young South-East London girl went down to the Social Security office to get her family allowance.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten." she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne," she answered.

"They're all named Wayne?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'Wayne, come and eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their surname."

Sounds like my first x-wife. :roflmao: I didn't know she moved to London.

 

[Arc]

Definition of "Mass Confusion" in South London??
Father's Day :sarc:

:roflmao:

 

[johnwillyums]

A wealthy farmer has 3 sons aged 18, 19 and 20.
The eldest is studious and caring whilst the middle son is a talented cook and makes most of the family meals since his mother passed away.
The youngest son, however, is feckless and lazy and spends most of his time playing video games in his bedroom.

One day the farmer receives bad news. The results of some tests have come and his Doctor tells him that he only has 6 months left to live.

He gathers his three sons together and tells them the bad news.
They are all upset but the farmer tells them to calm down and listen to him.
He says: "Your mother and I tried to do our best for you boys and give you a good start in life. Now I'm going to die soon I'd like to know that you all have a plan for your futures and I will try to help you in any way I can. Go away and decide your direction in life and come back and see me in an hour"

An hour later there is a knock on the study door and the eldest son comes in.
He tells his father that he has decided he would like to become a doctor and help people.
The farmer is very pleased with this and says: "This is what I had hoped for you. You have the ability and the temperament to do this. I will give you a couple of hundred thousand pounds to get you through medical school and maybe even start your own practice. I love you son, good luck"

Soon there is another knock and the middle son walks in. He tells his father that, after a lot of thought, he has decided that he should train as a chef and make glorious food for people to enjoy.
The farmer is again pleased and says "Son, that's a good ambition and you have a natural ability with food. Here's a couple of hundred thousand pounds to pay for your training and, maybe, eventually open your own restaurant."

At last the youngest son comes in. He has obviously had a difficult time thinking of what he wants to do in life and tells his father that he would like to carry on the family tradition and become a farmer.
The farmer takes a step back and kicks him as hard as he can between the legs.
As the boy is writhing on the floor the farmer says: "You always were an idle little s**t, here's a couple of acres to get you started."

 

[derekimo]

A wealthy farmer has 3 sons aged 18, 19 and 20.
The eldest is studious and caring whilst the middle son is a talented cook and makes most of the family meals since his mother passed away.
The youngest son, however, is feckless and lazy and spends most of his time playing video games in his bedroom.

One day the farmer receives bad news. The results of some tests have come and his Doctor tells him that he only has 6 months left to live.

He gathers his three sons together and tells them the bad news.
They are all upset but the farmer tells them to calm down and listen to him.
He says: "Your mother and I tried to do our best for you boys and give you a good start in life. Now I'm going to die soon I'd like to know that you all have a plan for your futures and I will try to help you in any way I can. Go away and decide your direction in life and come back and see me in an hour"

An hour later there is a knock on the study door and the eldest son comes in.
He tells his father that he has decided he would like to become a doctor and help people.
The farmer is very pleased with this and says: "This is what I had hoped for you. You have the ability and the temperament to do this. I will give you a couple of hundred thousand pounds to get you through medical school and maybe even start your own practice. I love you son, good luck"

Soon there is another knock and the middle son walks in. He tells his father that, after a lot of thought, he has decided that he should train as a chef and make glorious food for people to enjoy.
The farmer is again pleased and says "Son, that's a good ambition and you have a natural ability with food. Here's a couple of hundred thousand pounds to pay for your training and, maybe, eventually open your own restaurant."

At last the youngest son comes in. He has obviously had a difficult time thinking of what he wants to do in life and tells his father that he would like to carry on the family tradition and become a farmer.
The farmer takes a step back and kicks him as hard as he can between the legs.
As the boy is writhing on the floor the farmer says: "You always were an idle little s**t, here's a couple of acres to get you started."

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Arc]

Nice Story, John ! It's an ideal joke . You have to go to last to get in the anti-climax

 

[starwolf1336]

i dont get it , what does getting kicked in the balls have to do with acres of land?

 

[MattRainier]

Think "ache".

 

[arkhi]

I'm not sure either. But I am thinking that a couple of acres of land is worth more than a few hundred thousand pounds. So he gets the kick and the insult, yet has the most.

Just speaking theoretically, of course.

 

[starwolf1336]

Think "ache".

ohhh, ha, not sure why i didnt see it the first time

 

[johnwillyums]

Old joke.A couple of acres of agricultural land never used to be worth much whereas a couple of hundred thousand was worth a lot. glad you you enjoyed it

 

[steve-pressman]

AN Oldie but Gold

 

[WindowsStar]

This is a reword on one of the other jokes here:

A man wants to go to Hawaii but is afraid to fly and gets terribly seasick. One day he is on the beach thinking about his wish to go to Hawaii and begins to pray. God appears and asks the man how he can help him get to Hawaii. The man says “Build a bridge from California to Hawaii”. God says “Wow that is a huge undertaking; what about the ramifications on the environment and all the people who will hate the bridge being there, what about all the ships that need to go by being forced to around or go though drawbridges.” God says “I can surely make the bridge but I think I will make a lot of people unhappy and it will harm the environment”, “How about I do something else for you?” The man thinks for a moment and says “Ok, then let me and every man completely understand women”, God says “Do you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes?”

 

[arkhi]

 

[Arc]

:roflmao:

This is a reword on one of the other jokes here:

A man wants to go to Hawaii but is afraid to fly and gets terribly seasick. One day he is on the beach thinking about his wish to go to Hawaii and begins to pray. God appears and asks the man how he can help him get to Hawaii. The man says “Build a bridge from California to Hawaii”. God says “Wow that is a huge undertaking; what about the ramifications on the environment and all the people who will hate the bridge being there, what about all the ships that need to go by being forced to around or go though drawbridges.” God says “I can surely make the bridge but I think I will make a lot of people unhappy and it will harm the environment”, “How about I do something else for you?” The man thinks for a moment and says “Ok, then let me and every man completely understand women”, God says “Do you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes?”

:roflmao:
Four lanes ... if God asks me the same question

 

[johnwillyums]

Guy meets girl in a bar. They get on really well, laughing and talking, joking with each other.
It get's later and the drink is flowing and the couple become very friendly indeed.
It's obvious from the way they are talking and touching that they are very attracted to each other.
Eventually the guy says: "look, why don't we get out of here and go back to your place and make mad passionate love all night long?"
The girl replies "well, I am very attracted to you and ordinairily I'd jump at the idea but I'm afraid I'm on my menstrual cycle tonight"

Guy says "That's no problem, I'll follow you home on my Honda"

 

[Arc]

Guy meets girl in a bar. They get on really well, laughing and talking, joking with each other.
It get's later and the drink is flowing and the couple become very friendly indeed.
It's obvious from the way they are talking and touching that they are very attracted to each other.
Eventually the guy says: "look, why don't we get out of here and go back to your place and make mad passionate love all night long?"
The girl replies "well, I am very attracted to you and ordinairily I'd jump at the idea but I'm afraid I'm on my menstrual cycle tonight"

Guy says "That's no problem, I'll follow you home on my Honda"

Oh ! Help me ! I can't breath :roflmao:

 

[arkhi]