Jokes Thread

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Your one-stop-shop...apparently...
 

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My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dell Hell oh Well
OS
Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
CPU
Intel Core 2 Duo 2.93GHz
Memory
Not much with my ADHD
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Radeon HD 4350
Monitor(s) Displays
24" HDTV/Monitor
Screen Resolution
Blurry after a Scotch or 2
Hard Drives
1 HDD 250 GB, 1 HDD 1 TB, 3 - 1 TB Externals
Case
Don't get on my case...man :D
Cooling
I have an Air Conditioner & Diet Pepsi
Keyboard
Saitek Cyborg
Mouse
10 yr old MS optical mouse that still works
Internet Speed
Never fast enough
Antivirus
Various
Browser
Various
Everything but proof reading and spelling. :D
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home built
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
CPU
Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 3.00GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P4P800-VM Motherboard Chipset: Intel 865G + ICH5
Memory
2.50 GB RAM
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce 7600 GS
Sound Card
SoundMax Integrated Digital Audio (Chip)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VX 1962 wm
Screen Resolution
1680 X 1050
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda 7200.10 80 GB
ST380215A ATA Device 18.6 GB
Western Digital "My Book" external hard drive 750 GB
Cooling
Fan based
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000 v10 USB
Mouse
Logitec optic USB
Internet Speed
3.01 Mb/s download 0.64 Mb/s upload
Everything but proof reading and spelling. :D
Let me run that through my spell check... :p

Ehvwethingue buht prufe reedinng ahnnd spehlingue.
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dwarf Dwf/11/2012 r09/2013
OS
Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
CPU
Intel Core-i5-3570K 4-core @ 3.4GHz (Ivy Bridge) (OC 4.4GHz)
Motherboard
ASRock Z77 Extreme4-M
Memory
4 x 4GB DDR3-1600 Corsair Vengeance CMZ8GX3M2A1600C9B (16GB)
Graphics Card(s)
MSI GeForce GTX770 Gaming OC 2GB
Sound Card
Realtek High Definition on board solution (ALC 898)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VA1912w Widescreen (VGA)
Screen Resolution
1440x900
Hard Drives
OCZ Agility 3 SSD 120GB SATA III x2 (RAID 0)
Samsung HD501LJ 500GB SATA II x2
Hitachi HDS721010CLA332 1TB SATA II
Iomega 1.5TB Ext USB 2.0
WD 2.0TB Ext USB 3.0
PSU
XFX Pro Series 850W Semi-Modular
Case
Gigabyte IF233
Cooling
1 x 120mm Front Inlet 1 x 120mm Rear Exhaust
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 3000 (USB)
Mouse
Microsoft Comfort Mouse 3000 for Business (USB)
Internet Speed
NetGear DG834Gv3 ADSL Modem/Router (Ethernet) ~4.0 Mb/s (O2)
Antivirus
Avast! 8.0.1497
Browser
IE 11
Other Info
Optical Drive: HL-DT-ST BD-RE BH10LS30 SATA Bluray
Lexmark S305 Printer/Scanner/Copier (USB)
WEI Score: 8.1/8.1/8.5/8.5/8.25
Asus Eee PC 1011PX Netbook (Windows 7 x86 Starter)

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home built
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
CPU
Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 3.00GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P4P800-VM Motherboard Chipset: Intel 865G + ICH5
Memory
2.50 GB RAM
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce 7600 GS
Sound Card
SoundMax Integrated Digital Audio (Chip)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VX 1962 wm
Screen Resolution
1680 X 1050
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda 7200.10 80 GB
ST380215A ATA Device 18.6 GB
Western Digital "My Book" external hard drive 750 GB
Cooling
Fan based
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000 v10 USB
Mouse
Logitec optic USB
Internet Speed
3.01 Mb/s download 0.64 Mb/s upload

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP M9077c
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
Intel(R)Core(TM)2 quad [email protected] 2.39GHz
Motherboard
ASUSeK
Memory
6GB DDR2 6400
Graphics Card(s)
GeForce 8500/512MB
Sound Card
Realtek High Def Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
HP w2408 LCD 24" widescreen
Screen Resolution
1920x1200
Cooling
6 pack of Bud
Keyboard
MS wireless Inteli
Mouse
MS wireless Inteli
John hi ...Thanks.. I like sharing things that make me laugh..sure makes for a great day..
along with communicating with great friends.
 

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Gateway 17.3" LCD Intel Dual-Core, 8GB RAM 1TB HDD Windows 8 Laptop
OS
Windows 8 - 64-bit
CPU
2.2GHz Intel Pentium dual-core B960 processor with 2MB L3 ca
Memory
8GB DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
Intel HD Graphics with 128MB of dedicated system memory
Monitor(s) Displays
17.3" Ultrabright HD widescreen LED-backlit LCD
Screen Resolution
1280 X 1024
Hard Drives
1TB hard drive-1000 GB HDD
DVD-Super Multi DL drive
PSU
Intel B960 processor
Case
XXXXX
Cooling
XXXXX
Keyboard
Multi Gesture Touchpad
Mouse
USB - portable mouse... I added this
Antivirus
Avast
Browser
I E 10
Other Info
I see nothing about Motherboard info.
I'm not sure about Sound Card
Ports :(3) USB 2.0, (1) HDMI, (1) VGA, (1) Headphone out, (1) Microphone in, (1) Ethernet LAN

•Fast Wi-Fi wireless and wired Gigabit Ethernet networking
•HDMI output
•Kensington lock slot
I have no idea what all this actually means
Last edited:

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP M9077c
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
Intel(R)Core(TM)2 quad [email protected] 2.39GHz
Motherboard
ASUSeK
Memory
6GB DDR2 6400
Graphics Card(s)
GeForce 8500/512MB
Sound Card
Realtek High Def Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
HP w2408 LCD 24" widescreen
Screen Resolution
1920x1200
Cooling
6 pack of Bud
Keyboard
MS wireless Inteli
Mouse
MS wireless Inteli
Sorry THW.. the kitty..is much better looking than I am.. even with that pink headband.. lol:D
 

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Gateway 17.3" LCD Intel Dual-Core, 8GB RAM 1TB HDD Windows 8 Laptop
OS
Windows 8 - 64-bit
CPU
2.2GHz Intel Pentium dual-core B960 processor with 2MB L3 ca
Memory
8GB DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
Intel HD Graphics with 128MB of dedicated system memory
Monitor(s) Displays
17.3" Ultrabright HD widescreen LED-backlit LCD
Screen Resolution
1280 X 1024
Hard Drives
1TB hard drive-1000 GB HDD
DVD-Super Multi DL drive
PSU
Intel B960 processor
Case
XXXXX
Cooling
XXXXX
Keyboard
Multi Gesture Touchpad
Mouse
USB - portable mouse... I added this
Antivirus
Avast
Browser
I E 10
Other Info
I see nothing about Motherboard info.
I'm not sure about Sound Card
Ports :(3) USB 2.0, (1) HDMI, (1) VGA, (1) Headphone out, (1) Microphone in, (1) Ethernet LAN

•Fast Wi-Fi wireless and wired Gigabit Ethernet networking
•HDMI output
•Kensington lock slot
I have no idea what all this actually means
Yall are too funny.
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Gigabyte
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate
CPU
Intel Core(TM)2 Quad- Q9550, 2.83GHz
Motherboard
G31M-ES2L
Memory
4GB
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Radeon HD4600
Sound Card
On Board:
Monitor(s) Displays
Acer AL2223W, Acer AL1916
Screen Resolution
1680 x 1050, 1280 x 1024
Hard Drives
160GB
350GB
250GB
250GB
PSU
600W
Case
Cooler Master
Keyboard
Microsoft Laser 6000
Mouse
Logitech Optical Trackman
Internet Speed
1.5MB
Other Info
I am also running a quasar gamatron flux capacitor with twin pulse tronic phasers......jk, I have no such stuff.
Geez...is there anything you CAN'T rent nowadays???

Deliveries...anytime, anywhere!
 

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My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dell Hell oh Well
OS
Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
CPU
Intel Core 2 Duo 2.93GHz
Memory
Not much with my ADHD
Graphics Card(s)
ATI Radeon HD 4350
Monitor(s) Displays
24" HDTV/Monitor
Screen Resolution
Blurry after a Scotch or 2
Hard Drives
1 HDD 250 GB, 1 HDD 1 TB, 3 - 1 TB Externals
Case
Don't get on my case...man :D
Cooling
I have an Air Conditioner & Diet Pepsi
Keyboard
Saitek Cyborg
Mouse
10 yr old MS optical mouse that still works
Internet Speed
Never fast enough
Antivirus
Various
Browser
Various
:roflmao:
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Dwarf Dwf/11/2012 r09/2013
OS
Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
CPU
Intel Core-i5-3570K 4-core @ 3.4GHz (Ivy Bridge) (OC 4.4GHz)
Motherboard
ASRock Z77 Extreme4-M
Memory
4 x 4GB DDR3-1600 Corsair Vengeance CMZ8GX3M2A1600C9B (16GB)
Graphics Card(s)
MSI GeForce GTX770 Gaming OC 2GB
Sound Card
Realtek High Definition on board solution (ALC 898)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VA1912w Widescreen (VGA)
Screen Resolution
1440x900
Hard Drives
OCZ Agility 3 SSD 120GB SATA III x2 (RAID 0)
Samsung HD501LJ 500GB SATA II x2
Hitachi HDS721010CLA332 1TB SATA II
Iomega 1.5TB Ext USB 2.0
WD 2.0TB Ext USB 3.0
PSU
XFX Pro Series 850W Semi-Modular
Case
Gigabyte IF233
Cooling
1 x 120mm Front Inlet 1 x 120mm Rear Exhaust
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 3000 (USB)
Mouse
Microsoft Comfort Mouse 3000 for Business (USB)
Internet Speed
NetGear DG834Gv3 ADSL Modem/Router (Ethernet) ~4.0 Mb/s (O2)
Antivirus
Avast! 8.0.1497
Browser
IE 11
Other Info
Optical Drive: HL-DT-ST BD-RE BH10LS30 SATA Bluray
Lexmark S305 Printer/Scanner/Copier (USB)
WEI Score: 8.1/8.1/8.5/8.5/8.25
Asus Eee PC 1011PX Netbook (Windows 7 x86 Starter)
The Nun in Hooters.......

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the light would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand, said the puzzled nun.

"You see, laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

 

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Gateway 17.3" LCD Intel Dual-Core, 8GB RAM 1TB HDD Windows 8 Laptop
OS
Windows 8 - 64-bit
CPU
2.2GHz Intel Pentium dual-core B960 processor with 2MB L3 ca
Memory
8GB DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
Intel HD Graphics with 128MB of dedicated system memory
Monitor(s) Displays
17.3" Ultrabright HD widescreen LED-backlit LCD
Screen Resolution
1280 X 1024
Hard Drives
1TB hard drive-1000 GB HDD
DVD-Super Multi DL drive
PSU
Intel B960 processor
Case
XXXXX
Cooling
XXXXX
Keyboard
Multi Gesture Touchpad
Mouse
USB - portable mouse... I added this
Antivirus
Avast
Browser
I E 10
Other Info
I see nothing about Motherboard info.
I'm not sure about Sound Card
Ports :(3) USB 2.0, (1) HDMI, (1) VGA, (1) Headphone out, (1) Microphone in, (1) Ethernet LAN

•Fast Wi-Fi wireless and wired Gigabit Ethernet networking
•HDMI output
•Kensington lock slot
I have no idea what all this actually means
Great one LPt +1
I'll drink to that!!(d)(d)
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
HP M9077c
OS
Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
CPU
Intel(R)Core(TM)2 quad [email protected] 2.39GHz
Motherboard
ASUSeK
Memory
6GB DDR2 6400
Graphics Card(s)
GeForce 8500/512MB
Sound Card
Realtek High Def Audio
Monitor(s) Displays
HP w2408 LCD 24" widescreen
Screen Resolution
1920x1200
Cooling
6 pack of Bud
Keyboard
MS wireless Inteli
Mouse
MS wireless Inteli

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home built
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
CPU
Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 3.00GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P4P800-VM Motherboard Chipset: Intel 865G + ICH5
Memory
2.50 GB RAM
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce 7600 GS
Sound Card
SoundMax Integrated Digital Audio (Chip)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VX 1962 wm
Screen Resolution
1680 X 1050
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda 7200.10 80 GB
ST380215A ATA Device 18.6 GB
Western Digital "My Book" external hard drive 750 GB
Cooling
Fan based
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000 v10 USB
Mouse
Logitec optic USB
Internet Speed
3.01 Mb/s download 0.64 Mb/s upload
Thats superb LPT... thanks for the belly laugh... I needed it!! :roflmao:
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
LENOVO K450 @3.0GHZ
OS
64-bit Windows 8.1 Pro
CPU
Core(TM) i5 CPU 4330 Haswell @ 3.20GHz
Motherboard
LENOVO
Memory
12.00 GB
Graphics Card(s)
Intel(R) HD Graphics
Sound Card
Intel HD integtrated
Monitor(s) Displays
HP 25' ISP Monitor
Screen Resolution
1900/1020
Hard Drives
(1) ST1000DM003-1CH162 (2) Generic STORAGE DEVICE USB Device (3) Generic STORAGE DEVICE USB Device
Internet Speed
100mb down/10mb up
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground, time and time again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworths supermaket trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Put together
OS
Win7 Pro-64 Bit
CPU
i7-2600-3.4GHz
Motherboard
ASRock Z68M
Memory
8 GIG DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
onboard
Sound Card
onboard
Hard Drives
Seagate 1TB 7200RPM
PSU
680 W
Case
black
Cooling
stock fans
Keyboard
Microsoft
Mouse
Microsoft optical
^^:what::roflmao::roflmao:
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Home built
OS
Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
CPU
Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 3.00GHz
Motherboard
ASUS P4P800-VM Motherboard Chipset: Intel 865G + ICH5
Memory
2.50 GB RAM
Graphics Card(s)
NVIDIA GeForce 7600 GS
Sound Card
SoundMax Integrated Digital Audio (Chip)
Monitor(s) Displays
ViewSonic VX 1962 wm
Screen Resolution
1680 X 1050
Hard Drives
Seagate Barracuda 7200.10 80 GB
ST380215A ATA Device 18.6 GB
Western Digital "My Book" external hard drive 750 GB
Cooling
Fan based
Keyboard
Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000 v10 USB
Mouse
Logitec optic USB
Internet Speed
3.01 Mb/s download 0.64 Mb/s upload
TOM'S SCROTUM


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would
like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked
to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they
imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to
hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible
pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's
scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in
the
congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with
unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He
said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife the word is sternum.
 

My Computer

Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Put together
OS
Win7 Pro-64 Bit
CPU
i7-2600-3.4GHz
Motherboard
ASRock Z68M
Memory
8 GIG DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
onboard
Sound Card
onboard
Hard Drives
Seagate 1TB 7200RPM
PSU
680 W
Case
black
Cooling
stock fans
Keyboard
Microsoft
Mouse
Microsoft optical
hahahahahah.. ohh mercy me.. :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
 

My Computer

Computer type
Laptop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
Gateway 17.3" LCD Intel Dual-Core, 8GB RAM 1TB HDD Windows 8 Laptop
OS
Windows 8 - 64-bit
CPU
2.2GHz Intel Pentium dual-core B960 processor with 2MB L3 ca
Memory
8GB DDR3
Graphics Card(s)
Intel HD Graphics with 128MB of dedicated system memory
Monitor(s) Displays
17.3" Ultrabright HD widescreen LED-backlit LCD
Screen Resolution
1280 X 1024
Hard Drives
1TB hard drive-1000 GB HDD
DVD-Super Multi DL drive
PSU
Intel B960 processor
Case
XXXXX
Cooling
XXXXX
Keyboard
Multi Gesture Touchpad
Mouse
USB - portable mouse... I added this
Antivirus
Avast
Browser
I E 10
Other Info
I see nothing about Motherboard info.
I'm not sure about Sound Card
Ports :(3) USB 2.0, (1) HDMI, (1) VGA, (1) Headphone out, (1) Microphone in, (1) Ethernet LAN

•Fast Wi-Fi wireless and wired Gigabit Ethernet networking
•HDMI output
•Kensington lock slot
I have no idea what all this actually means
DISCLAIMER: The "Tom Smith" in said joke is not to be confused with me... Thank You!! :roflmao:
 

My Computer

Computer type
PC/Desktop
Computer Manufacturer/Model Number
LENOVO K450 @3.0GHZ
OS
64-bit Windows 8.1 Pro
CPU
Core(TM) i5 CPU 4330 Haswell @ 3.20GHz
Motherboard
LENOVO
Memory
12.00 GB
Graphics Card(s)
Intel(R) HD Graphics
Sound Card
Intel HD integtrated
Monitor(s) Displays
HP 25' ISP Monitor
Screen Resolution
1900/1020
Hard Drives
(1) ST1000DM003-1CH162 (2) Generic STORAGE DEVICE USB Device (3) Generic STORAGE DEVICE USB Device
Internet Speed
100mb down/10mb up
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