Jokes Thread

[Kari]

Was picking my Australian friend from airport. We got taxi and asked driver to bring us to the city. My friend was tired after a long flight, so we just sat there in quiet. Halfway the driver broke the silence and asked if we wanted to hear a good joke about an Aussie in Europe. I told hime that my friend is an Aussie.

"It's OK. I can tell it very slowly."

 

[rsvr85]

go to google.com type in the search bar; Search Chuck Norris and hit the lucky button.
I'm sure this has been common knowledge for ages, it's the first time i seen it and it's funny as hell!!!!

 

[garysgold]

Hi Chris,

You can delete your own posts. Click on the edit button and delete is there.

Gary

 

[geeve420]

Kind of long but funny:

A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back
with a bad tooth. You have to remove
that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender...
'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the d@mn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where the hell is that old biddy
with the bad tooth?'

 

[masterB]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Good one!

 

[Zidane24]

Hi Chris,

You can delete your own posts. Click on the edit button and delete is there.

Gary

Yeah I don't know why I typed it...besides the fact that I was sleeposting last night

BTW I will officially copyright the word sleeposting now

 

[BeepBeep]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.' The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The

little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy **** ' thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

 

[BeepBeep]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila.................: Leave Shyness Behind!

 

[BeepBeep]

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

 

[Antman]

...I will officially copyright the word sleeposting now

sleeposting - Google Search

Better hurry.

 

[Zidane24]

sleeposting - Google Search

Better hurry.

lmao...you know I am kidding Antman

 

[masterB]

Good ones BeepBeep!

 

[masterB]

The Value of a Drink

[FONT=&quot]"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I feel shame.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Then I look into the glass and think[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]and dreams[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]of work and their dreams would be shattered. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~ Jack Handy[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]happened to your bra and panties.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]going to feel all day. "[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~Frank Sinatra[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]smarter, faster and better looking than most people. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~ Henny Youngman[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]WA RNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I think not."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~ Stephen Wright [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]get drunk and go to heaven!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~ Br ian O'Rourke[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~ Benjamin Franklin[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Without question, the greatest invention in the [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]not go nearly as well with pizza." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~ Dave Barry[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~Dave Howell[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]of Cheers.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Here's how it went:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo[/FONT][FONT=&quot]can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate a s fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not[/FONT]​

 

[masterB]

Bra Codes

-------Bra Codes------

Size A:

Size B:

Size C:

Size D:

Size DD:

Size E:

Size F:

Size G:

Size H:

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...



Hard to Find



Supportive



Comfortable



Always Lifts You Up



Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging



And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

 

[masterB]

[FONT=&quot]ONE OF THESE JUST HAS TO MAKE YOU LAUGH

[/FONT]

 

[masterB]

Generic Drug Names

[FONT=&quot]In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Pfizer Corp. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer .
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of : MOUNT & DO.
[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. [/FONT]

 

[masterB]

George W. Bush's Trip To Cancun

Top 10 Things Overheard During George W. Bush's Trip To Cancun:

10. "Feels great to get away after three straight weeks of work"
9. "As president of the United States, I pledge to do whatever's necessary to help the Cancunians!"
8. "Couldn't we have stayed home and gone to Chi-Chi's?"
7. "Cozumel? Isn't that the chick I made Secretary of State?"
6. "When do I get to meet Zorro?"
5. "Holy crap, how'd they move these pyramids from Egypt?"
4. "I'll have a non-alcoholic pina colada...just kidding, juice me up, Pepe!"
3. "NAFTA? Don't they make auto parts?"
2. "Secret service! He's choking on a nacho"

And the number 1 thing overheard during George W. Bush's trip to Cancun:

1. "Once you get a little buzz going, my poll numbers don't look so bad"

 

[masterB]

Letter

Dear Abby,[FONT=&quot]

I've never written to you before, but I really need your adviceon what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for sometime now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usualsigns...Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. Mywife has been going out with the girls a lot recently althoughwhen I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends fromwork, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out forher taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive,although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten outof the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? Ionce picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was andshe went berserk and screamed that I should never touch herphone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I havenever broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down Ijust didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went outagain and I decided to really check on her. I decided I wasgoing to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage andthen hide behind it so I could get a good view of the wholestreet when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouchingbehind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on myengine seem to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back tothe dealer?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Thanks,

HarleyMan[/FONT]

 

[Tews]

Math Problem:
There are 7 girls on a bus(no bus driver).
Each girl is carrying 7 backpacks.
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats.
For every big cat there are 7 little cats.

Question:
How many legs are there on the bus?

None ... a bus has wheels, not legs.... :devil2:

 

[masterB]

You don't know shyt

[FONT=&quot]A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh, “I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic.”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]She continues, “But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shyt?"[/FONT]