Jokes Thread

[derekimo]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

:roflmao:

 

[valtonray]

yeah i've actually done a few of those things

What, Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy such as you :roflmao:

actually i still get in trouble for throwing things into the ceiling fan to see how far away it gets hit.

 

[BugMeister]

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

- a carrot!

 

[ChrisYoung]

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents!

A baby seal walks into a club...

 

[madtownidiot]

A father and his son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his father and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The father, who couldn't think of an answer, told his son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked: "Did your daddy tell you to ask me that?"

He nodded.

With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your daddy it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

 

[jfar]

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents!

A baby seal walks into a club...

Talking about Seals.

 

[valtonray]

A father and his son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his father and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The father, who couldn't think of an answer, told his son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked: "Did your daddy tell you to ask me that?"

He nodded.

With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your daddy it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

:roflmao:

 

[Coolness]

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents!

A baby seal walks into a club...

Talking about Seals.

Is that Barman's avatar?

 

[derekimo]

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents!

A baby seal walks into a club...

Talking about Seals.

Naw that's just some ice cream.:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[ChrisYoung]

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents!

A baby seal walks into a club...

Talking about Seals.

WUT. I don't get it... Halp?

 

[DocBrown]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around and I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying much attention where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif], too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy said, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"[/FONT]

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."



Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

 

[noobvious]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around and I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying much attention where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif], too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy said, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"[/FONT]

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."



Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

:roflmao:

 

[Coolness]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around and I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying much attention where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif], too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy said, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"[/FONT]

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."



Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

:roflmao:

:roflmao: :roflmao:

 

[derekimo]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around and I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying much attention where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif], too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy said, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"[/FONT]

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."



Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

Great One Doc! :roflmao:

 

[valtonray]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around and I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying much attention where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif], too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy said, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"[/FONT]

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."



Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

love it.

 

[patio]

Why Men Don't Write Abby

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. my wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was Checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

....

 

[D3ftOn3Z]

-Too Many Kids-

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

 

[D3ftOn3Z]

-Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee-

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

 

[Grimmjow]

mIRC
<blazemore> omg i love this song
<blazemore> Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps. (0:47/3:24)
<Javi> blazemore: yeah, that's a bad ass song
-------------------------------------------------------
<L0ne_W0lf> I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
------------------------------------------------------------
<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that
----------------------------------------------------------
<Nall> type /nick newname to fix your name
*** amit is now known as newname
--------------------------------------------------------

 

[derekimo]

-Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee-

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

Those are Great!:roflmao: