Jokes Thread

[CarlTR6]

65 Poorly Designed and Totally Impractical Gadgets

:roflmao: Another great post!

 

[arkhi]

I heard this on the other day (It is a bit long but here it goes):

01010110101000010101010111011010101


Hahahaha!!! What a punch line!

Get it!
;‚ŒtV¡UÚ¢«ÕRݨ·¥T.ªºª”ªUUBªª¾ª¥T*U‘(+‡GÏ

lol you crack me up

THAT IS A ONE HECK OF A PUNCHLINE! I LoL'd iRL :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[kucing13]

65 Poorly Designed and Totally Impractical Gadgets

LOL.Good one Jon

 

[Venths]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary...



One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying *******! You've been playing golf!'

 

[CarlTR6]

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[kucing13]

LOL

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits as yoga!!!
​

Savasana
Position of total relaxation.



Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.




Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.



Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.



Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia.



Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.







Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massagi ng the hip area.



Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.


Pigeon
Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'.

 

[CarlTR6]

I'll drink to that!

 

[xarden]

I got that in an email no more than two days ago... I wonder if we're on the same mailing list??

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

I got that in an email no more than two days ago... I wonder if we're on the same mailing list??

Well that's a chance

 

[kucing13]

How about drinking while doing yoga?

 

[arkhi]

The Power of a Badge.....

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in South Dakota , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


" Your badge! Show him your BADGE ! "

 

[kucing13]

Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

The Power of a Badge.....

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in South Dakota , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


" Your badge! Show him your BADGE ! "

LMAO!

 

[Pieloi]

(full stop means end of joke)
A man walks into a bar, second man ducks.

A seal walks into a club.

An Irishman walks out of a pub.

 

[kucing13]

Pass Gass

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Pass Gass

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

That's a good one!

 

[arkhi]

 

[Kari]

A Finnish website, but the joke is in English so you will understand it. An iPad ad...
http://www.riemurasia.net/jylppy/media.php?id=71511

 

[wallyinnc]

OMG, that is how the gravity gun will come to be...
well, at least they are using a torque wrench to tighten the bolts on the LHC