Jokes Thread

[Thorsen]

No way! You know about Techno Viking? awesome


btw... thats not me....

 

[steve-pressman]

Sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner or a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
*Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
*This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
*You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner or a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
*Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
*This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
*You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

LMAO!

 

[CarlTR6]

Sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
*This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

An attorney friend of mine put this another way...
It's the screwin you get for the screwin you got!
He's on his 3rd marriage so he can't be to bright.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

"EGO is the Anesthetic that DULLS the Pain of Stupidity "

 

[WindowsStar]

Why is my Internet explorer running slow?

View attachment 89847

This is not funny....I have seen this on too many computers. UGH!

Ok....it is kind of funny....but just not when you are the one having to fix it.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Florida Humor..
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her..
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

 

[Borg 386]

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Linda, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[Dinesh]

Question. What's the difference between boiling water and a woman?

Answer. You put a piece of meat in boiling water and it gets softer...

 

[xarden]

So where can I go to get more floppy disks? Mines full and I need some more...

(click to view)

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

So where can I go to get more floppy disks? Mines full and I need some more...
View attachment 90573
(click to view)

Hello xarden, that's a good one.

 

[PooMan UK]

The new iPhone

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The new iPhone

Hey Nick,
That's the new phone they are trying to smuggle into California's prisons.
The women bring them in saying they are ear rings.:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

So where can I go to get more floppy disks? Mines full and I need some more...
View attachment 90573
(click to view)

:roflmao:

 

[gladson1976]

From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:

Infinite Loop: n., see Loop, Infinite.
Loop, Infinite: n., see Infinite Loop.

 

[steve-pressman]

AVIATION RULES AND REMINDERS

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.

 

[Borg 386]

Woman Claims Dell Tech in India Stole Her Nude Photos, Ripped Her Off

"Sometimes, truth is stranger then fiction"

It's every woman's worst nightmare: not being able to find your nude self-portraits.

Tara Fitzgerald of Sacramento, Calif., says a Dell representative in a call center located in India snatched the photos from her laptop and then charged hundreds of dollars in purchases on her credit card.

The bizarre scenario began, according to Fitzgerald, way back in December of 2008, when the mother of a 14-year-old understandably feared her daughter would come across the nude photos. Unfortunately, she couldn't find and move them herself.

She called a Dell tech-support line and spoke with Riyaz Shaikh, who found the photos remotely and then allegedly exported them to a website he set up for the purpose of hosting the snaps.

Fitzgerald told the local news that once he had compromised her in this way, there was nothing stopping him from using her credit card to purchase a string of gifts for an Internet lover in Tennessee.

But even the ABC affiliate who interviewed her could not explain what possessed her to actually mail Shaikh her computer so he could inspect it personally for any problems.

"I sent it anyways because I really believed in this guy," she told KGO-TV. "I really had faith that he was protecting my dignity." He certainly was not, it seems, and now Fitzgerald is negotiating a deal with Dell over her humiliation and the $800 worth of computer equipment Shaikh's paramour received.

We should also note this is not even close to the first such case of a computer technician allegedly helping himself to a customer's nude photos. In June 2007, The Consumerist set up a sting in which the site planted sexy photos on an undercover model's "broken" desktop and waited for Geek Squad employees to help themselves to her pics.

 

[CarlTR6]

From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:

Infinite Loop: n., see Loop, Infinite.
Loop, Infinite: n., see Infinite Loop.

AVIATION RULES AND REMINDERS

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory...

Excellent - and true.

"Sometimes, truth is stranger then fiction"

It's every woman's worst nightmare: not being able to find your nude self-portraits...

:roflmao:

 

[Dom]

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling that it brings