Jokes Thread

[steve-pressman]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!'

 

[Tews]

Hired Hand

The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'Mail Order Bride.' Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom 'How Old' the new bride to be was.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man.

Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker fan into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!"
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand."

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"

:roflmao::roflmao:

Are we referring to Tews here?

:roflmao:

 

[Dom]

:roflmao::roflmao:

Are we referring to Tews here?

:roflmao:

Are you admitting something Tom?

 

[Tews]

Who, Me?

 

[Dwarf]

Are we referring to Tews here?

:roflmao:

Are you admitting something Tom?

Who, Me?

I'm not saying. But don't worry, Tom. Your secret is safe with us.

 

[Dom]

:roflmao:

Are you admitting something Tom?

Who, Me?

I'm not saying. But don't worry, Tom. Your secret is safe with us.

Does 'us' include me?

 

[Borg 386]

21 Signs You've Been Spoiled Rotten by Technology

Do you complain loudly if the Wi-Fi on the airplane fizzles out?
Gripe if a YouTube stream falters? Own an HDTV bigger than your
couch? If so, you might be spoiled by technology. Read on for more
warning signs.
21 Signs You've Been Spoiled Rotten by Technology - PCWorld

 

[CarlTR6]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked...

:roflmao:

 

[Darician]

Funny customer service call a colleague of mine took once (they did support for general issues with computers). It started with a problem about heat on the computer but turned into a power supply issue. I've included the relevant part of the call:

Customer: My computer seems to have a problem.
Rep: What's wrong?
Customer: Well, there's smoke on the computer.
Rep: Smoke? Coming from where?
Customer: From the back, there seems to be smoke coming from back there where it's plugged in. I need you to fix it.
Rep: Sir, what you'll need to do is shut off that PC as smoke indicates a major problem with the power supply and it will need to be replaced.
Customer: No, just tell me how to fix it.
Rep: You'll need a new power supply. I would suggest you turn off the computer to prevent further damage.
Customer: No no, you need to tell me how to fix it right now. I know there's some trick you computer guys know that'll just make this smoke go away.
Rep: Sir, what needs to be done is that power supply needs to be replaced. There's no real trick that can be done to fix this problem.
Customer: You're just keeping it from me so the computer industry can make more money, come on, tell me!
Rep: Again sir, there is nothing that can be done with the computer other than turning it off and replacing the power supply to fix this issue. It's a hardware issue with a part that needs to be replaced, it's that simple.
Customer: You're lying to me, I know there is a command you computer guys know and you just won't tell me what it is. Come on, tell me how to fix it now!

(My colleague realizes this customer is being an idiot so he decides to play along since he's not going to listen to reason)

Rep: All right, you got me. What I need you to do, is to go to Start, click on Run. Then type in cmd and click "OK". After that, you should have a black terminal window, correct?
Customer: Yes.
Rep: OK. What I need you to do now, is type in there "no smoke.exe".
Customer: It says this is an invalid program.
Rep: Hmm...that sounds like an issue for Microsoft as it's their command prompt.
Customer: So I should call Microsoft then?
Rep: I would suggest so and see what they tell you.

The customer then hangs up and calls Microsoft. What he exactly said to Microsoft is unknown but the gist of it is that "no smoke.exe" does not exist. The reason I know this is because the guy called back complaining and got my colleague again on the phone.

(2nd call)
Customer: Yeah, Microsoft told me "no smoke.exe" doesn't exist.
Rep: Really? In that case, you will need to go ahead and replace that power supply as the smoke is not a good sign and could be a serious hazard.
Customer: You people just want us to spend more and more money. You know a trick to fix it but won't tell me.
Rep: Trust me, there's no trick, you just need to replace that part and the problem will be resolved.
Customer: I think I'll call a friend who's good with computers, I'm sure he'll be honest enough to tell me how to fix this.
Rep: All right.

The guy hangs and never calls back. Don't know exactly what happened after that but in all this time, about 75 minutes passed between the beginning of the first call and the second call with this guy's power supply spewing smoke the whole time and the guy doesn't see the problem. This is one of those cases where you just can't fix the PEBKAC.

 

[CarlTR6]

That is hilarious! I love it the idiot was referred to Microsoft.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Leather Dresses
Contributed by Bitty



Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?







It's because she smells like a new golf bag

Too bad I couldn't add the pictures..

 

[LittleMiss]

" if Knowledge is power I'm riding a moped"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A must read for Grandparents..
(Those who aren't will love it, too.)

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.

Do you understand all that?'

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass', is it?

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach.

'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'

Dennis that's a great one.. thanks

 

[steve-pressman]

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!









Actual crack in a US Airways Boeing 737 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a 737. I'll definitely think twice before flying again.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!









Actual crack in a US Airways Boeing 737 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a 737. I'll definitely think twice before flying again.

:roflmao:
​

 

[Dwarf]

Gives a totally different meaning to the phrase Fly me to the moon

 

[Dom]

Gives a totally different meaning to the phrase Fly me to the moon

:roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

" if Knowledge is power I'm riding a moped"

:roflmao::roflmao: I love it!

Gives a totally different meaning to the phrase Fly me to the moon

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Joan Archer]

I bet it was draughty

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLDER PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."