Jokes Thread

[The Howling Wolves]

LPt,
Are you still holding on to the chickens????:roflmao::roflmao:

Very funny story..

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

ssssshhhhhhh....... don't tell anyone.. lol:roflmao:

 

[derekimo]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLDER PEOPLE ...

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

That's a great one LPt. :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[noobvious]

LPt,
Are you still holding on to the chickens????:roflmao::roflmao:

Very funny story..

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[steve-pressman]

No Offence intended for my American Friends

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down here? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up and said to the Marine, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

 

[derekimo]

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up and said to the Marine, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[steve-pressman]

Economics of Divorce

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."


My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

 

[steve-pressman]

High School Reunions and why to avoid them

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live inJersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[CarlTR6]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLDER PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home... "

:roflmao: Cute!!

 

[CarlTR6]

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat..."

:roflmao::roflmao:

Economics of Divorce

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things..."

:roflmao:

 

[gladson1976]

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day.
He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn’t give the sermon.
The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.
The pastor drove to a golf course about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted.
As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, an angel leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, “Are You going to let him get away with this?”
God told the angel not to worry, he would handle it.
Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic.
The angel asked God, “Why would you let him do that?”
God said, “Because, he can never tell anyone about this great shot he just made. Now THAT is living hell!!”

 

[Jonathan_King]

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day.
He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn’t give the sermon.
The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.
The pastor drove to a golf course about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted.
As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, an angel leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, “Are You going to let him get away with this?”
God told the angel not to worry, he would handle it.
Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic.
The angel asked God, “Why would you let him do that?”
God said, “Because, he can never tell anyone about this great shot he just made. Now THAT is living hell!!”

 

[steve-pressman]

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day.
He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn’t give the sermon.
The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.
The pastor drove to a golf course about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted.
As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, an angel leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, “Are You going to let him get away with this?”
God told the angel not to worry, he would handle it.
Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic.
The angel asked God, “Why would you let him do that?”
God said, “Because, he can never tell anyone about this great shot he just made. Now THAT is living hell!!”

HA HA love that one



Steve

 

[steve-pressman]

Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK."
The waiter replied,"Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow?"

He said, "She'll have a Salad!"

 

[gladson1976]

Why girls don’t love software guys….?

 

[Kirsch]

The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole.

That's only a 150 yard hole..

 

[CarlTR6]

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day...”

:roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other

 

[derekimo]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Thorsen]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other

Besides that last one, I am doing good.