Jokes Thread

[The Howling Wolves]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under,
the surgeon popped into see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm!

I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man.
"I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon,
"I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side affects ?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!

 

[ryo]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under,
the surgeon popped into see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm!

I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man.
"I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon,
"I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side affects ?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Thorsen]

Just got this in email, don't know if its been posted, but it gave me a laugh....

Truths For Mature Humans

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

4. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. Was learning cursive really necessary?

6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

16. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

19. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

23. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

24. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

25. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

26. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

 

[CarlTR6]

Good ones, Thorsen!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

21. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

Being almost deaf, I love this one.

 

[Dwarf]

What did you say? I couldn't quite hear you, sorry.

 

[Dom]

What did you say? I couldn't quite hear you, sorry.

I can't see what you said! Sorry, I'm nearly blind, I've got a 10 by 100 metre giant keyboard in front of me so I can type and see the letters

 

[Kirsch]

6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

My three favorites!!! Nice ones

 

[Dwarf]

Update: Due to the budget cuts we can't even afford the light, so we can't turn off what we ain't got.

 

[Kirsch]

 

[BrightBlessings]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the erudite thinker who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend ... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap buttered toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
And (drum roll please)...
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

[Borg 386]

Where Spider Man "goes"

To the Spider Bathroom....

 

[CarlTR6]

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Aren't we killing and being killed for Peace now?

How many of those with the Noble Peace Prize are really deserving of it now?

 

[CarlTR6]

None; that is why I like it. The Nobel Peace Prize is a joke itself.

 

[WindowsStar]

None; that is why I like it. The Nobel Peace Prize is a joke itself.

:roflmao:

I couldn't agree more!!

 

[Borg 386]

Three elderly golfers were out for their weekly game.

The one golfer said "You know, every damn morning I get up, my back hurts like hell, my arms are stiff & it takes me 1/2 an hour to get out of bed!"

The other golfer said "Well, when I get up in the morning, my legs are all cramped and I have to rub them for about 15 minutes before I can even think about walking!"

The third guy looks at them and says:

"I think you two should shut up & be happy we're still on the right side of the green!"

(I heard this one in the cancer wing while getting my treatments & it's not only funny, but true )

 

[Kirsch]

"I think you two should shut up & be happy we're still on the right side of the green!"

I'm truly sorry, but I don't understand this joke. Can you please explain? And by the way I am dead serious lol

 

[Dwarf]

"I think you two should shut up & be happy we're still on the right side of the green!"

I'm truly sorry, but I don't understand this joke. Can you please explain? And by the way I am dead serious lol

What the 3rd chap means is that the grass is still below their feet, rather than above their heads.

 

[Kirsch]

What the 3rd chap means is that the grass is still below their feet, rather than above their heads.

AHHHH Thanks lol

I was thinking "right" as in "right and left" not "right" as in "correct"

Now it makes sense, and now I can laugh :roflmao: