Jokes Thread

[Borg 386]

Mother Superior calls all the Nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

 

[derekimo]

Mother Superior calls all the Nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

:roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

How do crazy people go through the forest?


They take the psycho path.

 

[beauparc]

O.A.P s

Let's put the OAPs in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the OAPs would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.



They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Clothing & shoes would be free on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each OAP could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out. Justice for all we say.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this - You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.

 

[beauparc]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)


Only total thicko's will fail !!



1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?

2) Which country makes Panama hats ?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?

7) What was King George VI's first name ?

8) What color is a purple finch ?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?



Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.







ANSWERS





1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats ? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name ? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson

[FONT=Times
New Roman]9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?[/FONT] New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ? Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

[FONT=Times
New Roman]Me, too...!!![/FONT]

( And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie! )

 

[Borg 386]

sooo...he was a thief????

 

[CarlTR6]

O.A.P s

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this - You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.

Right on target!

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!

( And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie! )

Actually, I got five of them right.

sooo...he was a thief????

Or a politician. Wait, that is the same thing.

 

[Borg 386]

I guess cats really do get into everything.....

 

[Petey7]

Is that the same cat that is plotting your death?

 

[The Howling Wolves]

He was searching the net for his mouse!

 

[LittleMiss]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)


Only total thicko's will fail !!



1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?

2) Which country makes Panama hats ?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?

7) What was King George VI's first name ?

8) What color is a purple finch ?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?



Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.







ANSWERS





1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats ? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name ? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson

[FONT=Times
New Roman]9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?[/FONT] New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ? Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

[FONT=Times
New Roman]Me, too...!!![/FONT]

( And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie! )

I GOT 4,,, I Did!!!!!!!!!!!
#s 1,3,5,10
All that $ spent for College , it finally paid off (and watching the TV show jeopardy)

 

[LittleMiss]

Long ago when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

 

[johnwillyums]

Old people these days, they're just running wild

 

[CarlTR6]

Long ago when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

A very accurate description.

Old people these days, they're just running wild

 

[BrightBlessings]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

 

[Borg 386]

Is that the same cat that is plotting your death?

Nope...this one is. Her name is Semetary...since she looks like the one in Pet Semetary.

(I know, the cats name was Church...but in her case, Semetary fits)

Today's Bad Joke:

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?"

The baby seal says "Anything except a Canadian Club."

 

[CarlTR6]

Is that the same cat that is plotting your death?

Nope...this one is. Her name is Semetary...since she looks like the one in Pet Semetary.

(I know, the cats name was Church...but in her case, Semetary fits)

Today's Bad Joke:

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?"

The baby seal says "Anything except a Canadian Club."

Sick; but I love it!

 

[Kirsch]

I got 3

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ? 116 years

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ? November

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ? Orange (of course!)

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

We are interesting : Not a joke..... but an observation.


GOD

AND​

LAWN ​

CARE​

AUTHOR UNKNOWN​

​

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
​

 

[The Howling Wolves]

LPt.
How true this story is! We are the subordinates "Dumb and Dumer!"