Jokes Thread 2

[jfar]

Oh I always have a jack in the pack.

 

[Tews]

Oh I always have a jack in the pack.

Can you get it up with your jack?? :roflmao:

 

[jfar]

Now do you see what you have started.

 

[Tews]

Now do you see what you have started.

 

[pebbly]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to it's tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up

 

[Hopalong X]

:banghead:

Pebbly

Two slaps on the forehead and a head bang on the wall!

Crying is not for the duck!

 

[pebbly]

:banghead:

Pebbly

Two slaps on the forehead and a head bang on the wall!

Crying is not for the duck!

I know , I'll get my coat

 

[jfar]

Now do you see what you have started.

Not You, lol, the other Howler.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Oh I always have a jack in the pack.

Can you get it up with your jack?? :roflmao:

Don't be concerned, what can't get up can't get out.

 

[Hopalong X]

Those wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
----------- ---------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
--------------------------
These two seemed to be connected in some special way.
----------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 

[Hopalong X]

Part II

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

 

[jfar]

 

[jfar]

Duck bumps into his mate the Chicken, and asks where he's going.


Chicken says, I'm just nipping across the road, I wont be long.


The Duck says, I wouldn't do that if I was you, if you do, You'll never hear the f......king end of it.

 

[beauparc]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

 

[CarlTR6]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'...

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Fantail]

Brett Favre today, was told his sister was arrested on Meth charges.
He replied he didn't know because since he left the NFL, his junk mail wasn't working.

 

[DocBrown]

Sad News

This is very sad news ... you all know this person.​

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.​

​

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 71.​

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.​

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota,
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his
dough on half-baked schemes.​

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was
considered a positive roll model for millions.​

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough,
Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.​

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.​

​

rb:
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that
may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.​

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'...

:roflmao::roflmao:

This is a hoot !!!!!.. I'm still laughing out loud.
:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Zen Teachings .....


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.


3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
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[profdlp]

Zen Teachings .....[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
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That's a keeper! :roflmao: