Jokes Thread 2

[DreemWarrior]

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These taser guns are well worth the money".

:roflmao:

 

[xarden]

I commented the other day, "I was walking down a dark alleyway, and saw this beautiful young girl. My spidey senses tingled and I had a feeling something bad was going to happen to her. So I kept my distance. As we approached a T-section, I could hear some hoodrats down one of the sidealleys. I somehow knew something bad was going to happen to her, maybe abducted and abused, and all sorts of vile things done to the poor girl...
Luckily, I summed up the courage and prevented all this from happening."

"Wow", my audience said, "How'd you manage that?"

I replied, "I turned the corner and walked away."

 

[Hopalong X]

My spidey senses tingled and I had a feeling something bad was going to happen to her.....
...I replied, "I turned the corner and walked away."

Sounds like a low down Polecat to me!

 

[pebbly]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

 

[DreemWarrior]

"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

LOL

 

[DreemWarrior]

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

 

[pebbly]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Pebbly,
You have NOT lost your place in line...
Still Number One

But don't stop just because you have...
1. a headache
2. that time of the month
3. not in the mood
3. forgot to take the pill
4. JUST PURCHASE A GUN!
5.

 

[DreemWarrior]

There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

I have heard that Courtroom sex is the screwing you get for the screwing you got!
I am at the age I can't remember what it was and what are we talking about?

 

[diavol]

A Serious Computer Problem

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

[Hopalong X]

Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

That one has made the rounds in different variations but it always gives me a laugh. :roflmao:

 

[DreemWarrior]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[DreemWarrior]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me
up."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When
your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass
of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just
keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in
his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor
looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time
my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with
sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut
helps?"

 

[Pckicker]

Post your funny joke #1

!^.^! here mine:

Launch antivirus.... full scan..... clicked... scanning....
A: hey B, let go have some drink.
B: I can't rite now.
A: why? u can't do anything while your anti scanning. So let have some drink until it complete.
B: No! the antiV said "Please WAIT until the scan is complete"
A: Oh bummer.

 

[pillainp]

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"
So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."
He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."
He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?"

 

[DreemWarrior]

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra..." which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" ​

 

[Layback Bear]

I like it, I like it Dreem Warrior.

 

[A Guy]

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,he finally bought a talking centipede, (a 100 legged bug) which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

A Guy

 

[Devux]

Alright, have to throw some Confucius says jokes in here:

• Confucius says man who eat too many jelly beans fart in technicolor
• Confucius says man who eat too many prunes sit on toilet many moons
• Confucius says man who stand on toilet get high on pot
• Confucius says man who try to smoke pot choke on handle
• Confucius says man who sneeze in without hankey take matters into his own hands
• Confucius says man who walk sideways through airport door going to Bangkok
• Confucius says man who argue with wife all day get no piece at night
• Confucius says wise man give wife piano, wiser man give wife upright organ
• Confucius says piano falling down mineshaft makes tune of a flat minor
• Confucius says panties not best thing in the world, but next to it
• Confucius says man with hole in pocket feel little cocky all day
• Confucius says man with hole in pants feel foolish, man with hole in boxers feels nuts
• Confucius says man who drop watch in toilet bound to have sh*ty time