Jokes Thread 2

[DocBrown]

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
turf across the street.

Excellent :roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

CONFUCIUS SAY...

Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Fly who rest on toilet seat, get pissed off!
Girl who douche with vinegar, walk around with sour puss.
He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Man who scratch ass, should not bite fingernails.
Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it.
House without toilet is uncanny.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who screw in pantry, have ass in jam.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Man who stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Secretary not permanent till screwed on desk.
Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
War never determine who right, just who's left.
A bird in hand make hard to blow nose.
It take square ass to shit brick.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girls' behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web - - lead to undoing of fly.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with penis in peanut butter jar is ****ing nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

 

[DreemWarrior]

LMAO Pebbly!!!:roflmao:

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.

 

[pebbly]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated
with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my
guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when
he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to
the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"

 

[profdlp]

CONFUCIUS SAY...

You know, I suspect there's more than meets the eye on a few of these. But then, I might be just a suspicious old geezer. :sarc:

 

[jfar]

LMAO Pebbly!!!:roflmao:

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.

Hahaa, you'll have to put that on the Show us your dog thread, when no one is watching, haha.

Nice ones there Pebbly, haha.

 

[DreemWarrior]

LMAO Pebbly!!!:roflmao:

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.

Hahaa, you'll have to put that on the Show us your dog thread, when no one is watching, haha.

Nice ones there Pebbly, haha.

LOL go for it

 

[Layback Bear]

Young blond lady came into bar and orders a Bud. A few minutes later she orders another one. The bartender watching her closely kept bringing more Buds, she was really pounding them down. After many beers she invited all the men in the bar to the back room and have their way with her and then she left. The next day about the same time she came back to the bar and ordered a Bud and went through the whole thing again with the men and then left. On the third day she came back to the same bar. The bartender happy to see her again, scrambled to get her a Bud and she refused it and asked for a Miller stating that Budweiser made her pussy hurt.

 

[A Guy]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

A Guy

 

[DreemWarrior]

"If light stay on more than four hours- call erectrician"

 

[Devux]

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket
on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

:huh: :shock:

and the punch line is?

 

[Thorsen]

:huh: :shock:

and the punch line is?

if the parse is too sparse you wont get the ANSI for what you ASCII

 

[The Howling Wolves]

:huh: :shock:

and the punch line is?

if the parse is too sparse you wont get the ANSII for what you ASCII

Thorsen,
Now I got it...
If dis is to dat den I got dem.....dat right?

 

[Thorsen]

:huh: :shock:

and the punch line is?

if the parse is too sparse you wont get the ANSII for what you ASCII

Thorsen,
Now I got it...
If dis is to dat den I got dem.....dat right?

Sounds like you got it sorted out from A to Z

 

[Devux]

Doesn't have a punchline. Its just funny =P

 

[xarden]

fo shizzle

 

[Thorsen]

Dont know if this is too dirty, but compared to the others in this thread it should be fine (not app. for youtube dump thread though)

 

[echrada]

Mother-in-law
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...
The Unreasonable Wife
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

The Humour-less Wife
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...

The Mis-informed Wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And that's when the fight started...
The Dangerous Wife
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

The Lazy Wife
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...

The Humourless Husband
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...
The well rounded Wife
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started...

The Soft Husband
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
The Masochistic Husband
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...

 

[BrightBlessings]

I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.



In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer